They called her name.
She walked toward the podium and stepped up onto the stairs. She grabbed the preschool principal’s hand and walked alongside her. Once she reached the end of the pathway, her new principal – the Kindergarten principal was there waiting for her.
Without delay, the preschool principal placed my daughter’s hand into the hands of the Kindergarten principal. At that symbolic moment, my heart ached. I knew this would be the last time I would ever be visiting this school. It would be the last time I would ever have a child in preschool.
All of those days are over.
I started to cry as I emphatically watched this man gently walk with my daughter along a new path – the path toward Kindergarten. She turned toward the audience and everyone applauded.
It was official. She “graduated” from preschool. My daughter was beaming. And I? Well, I was motionless trying desperately to keep this fleeting moment from passing me by…and just like that, it did.
I wanted time to stand still.
I wanted to freeze this very moment.
I wanted the last five years back.
I wanted her to wait for me.
But the reality is, I don’t think I would ever be ready to let her go…because she is my last baby.
I will miss the days I heard her feet pitter pattering through the house all day long, her laughter echoing through the halls and those moments of sharing smiles during snack time. I’ll miss her silly little games, her endless need to say my name over and over, and the many adventures we shared together.
And I know I have so many new adventures to look forward to – many new milestones and graduations await us. But this one is different somehow. It’s all just so, final.
I don’t want another baby – this feeling is NOT about yearning to have another child; it’s the reality that my baby has left the nest and that there are no more children in my future.
It’s the reality that this chapter in my life will forever be closed.
In November of 2010, I wrote On Knowing When You’re Done and I stand by my words, I believe a woman just knows when she’s done.
But just because you’re done doesn’t mean that “being done” is easy. And at times like these, especially since she’s my last child, I can attest to that.
I am struggling with my new reality of having an empty nest in September and I’m having a hard time letting go – because I just wanted to her to wait for me.
My mom raised 5 & when my youngest brother went to college I thought my mom would never come out of it. She had the hardest time! She loves being a mom so much!!
Just think of all the fun you have to look forward to!
I know, mama. Thanks for your comment. It’s all just so bittersweet…
Heather, I know exactly how you feel. My youngest is going to pre-k in the fall but until now she’s been home with me. Our first adventure on a new path will start on Monday… this mom is going back to work, as a summer camp counselor and all three of my kids will go to camp. It will be very different…
Oh Susi, it’s all so bittersweet. We are excited to watch them reach new milestones, but we are also saying good-bye to that stage in our lives. It’s hard. xo
Reading this makes me want to cry for you. I can’t imagine the day it’s my turn to watch my son walk across the stage to graduate preschool. It’s all so surreal with filled with many emotions.
Girl, I’ve been crying! lol Yes, that day will come faster than you’ll ever imagine and I hope you remember this post – and remember that you are not alone. xo
I remember the day my daughter, my youngest, graduated from preschool and I felt much the same way as you. It is a sobering day! So proud of your little one but aware of the passage of time. It goes lightening fast. Today, this same daughter completed her junior year in high school and I am facing a real empty nest in a little more than a year. Hard to imagine!
High school, I can’t even imagine!! That post will need tissues by the truckload for sure! It’s amazing how we are so proud of them growing up, but it’s hard when it’s our last – knowing, all of these memories are not going to come around again…
I feel exactly this… congratulations on continuing to do a great job.
Wendy, I wish we had a time machine… thanks for reading & commenting. xo
What a beautiful post. My youngest graduated Pre-K this year, too, so I totally relate.
Thank you Bridgette – it’s nice to know that in this struggle, I am not alone. 😉
I totally understand I am going thru this myself. It is such a strange dynamic. You want them to grow and be healthy and do all the things possible but that means them growing up and leaving :S
Thanks for sharing.
You got it. Growing up and leaving – that’s what they are supposed to do, but it doesn’t seem so easy right now. Thanks for your comment.
This post brought up so many of my own emotions. Today I watched my youngest run wildly around the house, giggling, and I realized, I don’t have any more babies. She is a toddler. And although I decided definitively to be done after my twins were born, I often regret the decision of having my tubes tied. Especially since one of our girls didn’t survive. And now I am the mother of 4 but I only have 3 and I WANT FOUR. But I don’t want to go through all of that again either!
I hate that they grow up so fast.
Oh yeah, I couldn’t go through all of that again, either! And that’s the whole thing – I don’t yearn to have another baby and start ALL over again, it’s just the struggle of knowing EVERY big milestone from here on out – is going to be final.
Oh….I can so relate, as millions of moms can. The finality of the preschool phase ending breaks my heart. Although I’m not there yet, I have recently decided that my youngest is my last and I have watched my oldest move confidently through the past year of preschool and venture further into the world – further away from me. There’s an ache in my heart, scared to find myself at the moment you discuss today. I know it will eventually come and I know I will feel the panic and loss that you feel. I am packing up baby stuff as we prepare to move homes and I felt this sense of fear and life’s movement as I pulled out tiny little onesies from the back of my daughter’s closet. We know life will give many more memories, but they’ll be different memories. We just need to allow ourselves to take the time to grieve the loss of one stage and prepare ourselves to move into the next. Here’s my post where I dwell on this thought: http://rocksnosaltmommy.com/2013/05/13/packing-up/
You’ll make it through. But we all understand the uneasy, sad feeling you feel right now. And it’s perfectly okay to feel that way. You’re not alone in that.
Just read your post – “So I fold these shirts and say goodbye to a time we will never have again…” Exactly. I moved last summer and I did the SAME exact thing. I knew I wasn’t having any more children so to move all of that baby stuff would have been silly. So we sold and donated many of the baby items and toys. In that process, I had that moment you had when I watched the crib be carried out of my home into the hands of another family….it was really hard. Of course I blogged about it.
Writing is my therapy in these times – it’s connecting with other women like you who get it and it also helps me to voice my own struggles and in the process, I hope another mom on the other side of the computer can take something away from it – that to me is the true beauty of blogging.
Maybe it’s a dad thing, but I couldn’t wait for my youngest to be old enough to get big-girl Happy Meal toys. Play on big-girl soccer fields. Sit in a forward-facing car seat. Now, I can’t wait for her to be big enough to sit next to me in my car.
I love the memories of how all three of my girls would ride on my shoulders and hold my hand and kiss me when I dropped them off to school.
But what they can do next? That keeps me busy enough.
Beautiful post!