There’s been so much talk of women trying to “have it all” these days. Articles have been published recently encouraging us to even teach our girls at a young age to “have it all.” I may be in the minority when I say this, but I actually disagree. I don’t want to teach my daughter to have it all – I want to teach her that she CAN have it all, just not at the same time. And that the “having it all” ideal should be one that is created be HER, it should not be based on attaining an ideal of what society thinks it should be.
There’s so much pressure on girls as it is these days, far more things to think about than when I was growing up.
And as women and mothers, there’s so much pressure put on us, too.
We freak out if our kid isn’t hitting certain milestones when the experts say they should. We feel inferior if we don’t bake homemade goodies for the PTA bake sale and we agonize over our kids’ education. We have pressure from society – as if there’s some magical timeline of when we should get married, when we should start a family and when we should be chasing after that career…
I’m sick and tired of living in a world where society has defined what “having it all” means for us. It’s about time that we started to define it for ourselves and let our daughters figure out what that means for them, too because “having at all” should be completely subjective. THAT is the kind of encouragement we should be fostering with our children.
For some women, having it all means simply being lucky enough to stay at home and raise her children. For others, having it all is attaining that dream career and for some others, it’s staying single and traveling the world. And the list goes on…
I know I don’t want to teach my daughter to look for the perfect house, the perfect spouse, the dream career AND the dream kids. She should be thinking about what makes her whole as a person, what makes her happy and THAT is what she should strive toward. Of course I hope she gets married, raises a family and goes after that career – she CAN have those things and I WANT her to have those things, but she just probably won’t get them all AT THE SAME TIME.
And honestly, THAT is the other message I want for my daughter.
I WANT her to chase her dreams, no matter how big or small. I want her to make her own decisions and follow her heart – it’s the value system I was raised on. My parents let me chase the dream of being a professional dancer in NYC and paid for my college education (entering as a Dance Major knowing full well how challenging life may be with juggling a husband and children). But, they supported me every step of the way and I plan to give that support and encouragement to my daughter, no matter how lofty her dreams may seem or how unrealistic they may be at the time.
But what I won’t give my daughter is the illusion that she can “have it all” the way society has defined it – I want her to create her OWN definition of “having it all” and generate her own timeline.
I want my daughter to chase after her dreams with full abandon and remind her that she CAN have it all – whatever that means for her.
I agree entirely with this … and have been writing about similar themes lately. I think “it all” looks different for all of us and the place we should be focusing our energy actually is on teaching our children (and ourselves) to learn to listen to that small still voice inside which helps us figure out what it is for US. xox
Amen! Awesome!
I couldn’t agree more with this post!
If there was a standing ovation emoticon, I’d put it here.
I have three daughters- I can’t imagine what the world will look like to them when they are my age. But man do I hope they have the courage and that I’ve given them the tools to decide for themselves. I don’t want the same things as my mother, my friends, my neighbour– and yet I think we’re all very happy.
So- yes to all of this. I hope this is the sentiment that’s passed on to my daughters as well, thanks!
I agree that there is too much pressure on our children (and let’s be honest, on ourselves) to be these superhuman people, taking on too much and trying to please everyone. While I don’t have daughters, I want to instill those some values into my sons, teaching them that it’s okay to dream big, but you don’t have to everything all at once, right now.
I LOVE this sentiment, that we should be able to define “having it all” for ourselves! Personally, I “have it all” as a stay-at-home mom. I could have continued in my career as a teacher, but I WANTED to be at home raising my daughter, and I’m happy here. I know that’s difficult for some women to believe, but it’s true. This is what I aspired to do. I don’t see my choice as a setback for feminism, because that movement ultimately gave me the ability to make this very choice.
I think that we all need to define for ourselves and situation what having it all is or what We want it to be. I’ve never been one to let society define my life or success.
Well said, Heather.
I’m an example of someone who has it all – just not at the same time. I had the awesome career, which I was happy to give up to start a family. Now I have my boys, I couldn’t be happier or ask for more. Who’s society to tell me I’m lacking anything?
I love this, and I hope I can help Abbey see all this and more. I want her to have everything she ever wants in life, and I hope I can help her figure out how and where each of those pieces fit together.
I love this post! Being happy on your own terms and being confident enough to follow your heart instead of these messages for society – hell, i’m trying to do that now! And I hope by doing so that my daughter is learning that it’s not about having it all RIGHT NOW, it’s about being happy.
Thanks for writing this great post!
I agree with you completely. And it is especially important to emphasize this to our daughters because the world is already giving them so much pressure. Just last night my own daughter was fretting over the fact that she thinks she’s not as good as the other kids in her drama class. She doesn’t have the experience to realize that it’s one drama class and there are so many ways to teach it, learn it and excel in it. So I felt the pressure to try and explain to her that she should do the best that she can and enjoy it in her own way. It was an interesting conversation because I must admit there was a small part of me that wondered if she might not be very good at it. I felt like a traitor. She loves acting and drama and I am there to encourage her to do what she loves. (Maybe not to audition for American Idol or anything…) Thanks for your post.
Preach!!! So right and so true! A most valuable lesson even us grown up girls should take to heart, I say!
Completely agree. I think that teaching children to live presently and to define themselves by what is important to them, is not easy but ultimatley the key in feeling complete and successful in life as they face adversity and real life challanges.
Amen, sister. Showing our girls that they have choices, and that we have their backs whatever those choices might be, is so where it’s at!
{Love this one, girl!}
xo