Pool parties should be nothing but a place where you can float on a raft with a large cocktail in your hand, a place where there is no splashing nearby and no kids screaming. The perfect pool parties were meant for you to float alone during this sunbathing and drink-fest crusade – drifting along in your own little universe. Pool party invites that include my two kids should be illegal because there is absolutely nothing F-U-N about it. If you are a Theta Mom® to-be or a mama of a newborn, you probably haven’t experienced the pool-party-from-hell-with-your-toddlers just yet.
But fear not, I’m sure you will – and you’ll remember this post.
I’m attempting to shield you from some of the pool party agony, so here are some tips for surviving that dreadful day.
- Wear a comfortable bathing suit and get ready to flash the guests. Why? Because your boobs will be hanging out all over the place as you bend down 1,000,000 times to pick up the crap that you’ll need for your kids from your overloaded-full-of-so-much-crap-you-can’t-find-a-goddamn-thing pool bag. Your butt will be in everyone’s face as you bend down to attend to your annoying, screaming toddler who either just got splashed or isn’t sure if she’s ready to go into the pool.
- Bring earplugs. No, this isn’t for you as you swim or go underwater, they are actually for your own sanity. You will hear the harsh screams from not only your annoying child but from those around you. They will be everywhere. There will be so much noise you will want to drown out, so be sure to put the earplugs in securely and leave them in for the duration of the party.
- Forget the flip-flops, lace up your running shoes. You will be in and out of the pool 1,000 times and in and out of the house to use the bathroom 1,000 times. No matter how much you try to avoid the drama or how prepared you think you are, it will happen. And just when you lotion them all up and finally think you’ll have a few moments to sit and relax, your kid will be in the pool no less than five minutes before you hear the words, “I have to pee.”
- Be ready to perspire. A lot. I’ve never attended a pool party when it wasn’t blazing hot outside. I’m talking about the kind of summer weather that makes you sweat just standing there. Well, the beads of sweat will drip down your face and along your back and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it so don’t even think about sporting your expensive makeup. There will be times you’ll actually want to drown yourself in that pool to cool off, but your indecisive child will make you hold her hand for the entire time as you just dip your toe in.
- Prepare for your Oscar winning role. Yes, you’ll be putting on a happy face throughout the duration of this party. You will have to fake a smile to everyone you meet, letting them think you’re having a wonderful time. Meanwhile, you want to choke your kids and just b-line it straight for the bar. You will be so envious of the women who are childless at the party who continue to sip their cocktails at leisure who are enjoying some quality adult conversation. At that very moment, you will actually question why the hell you said yes to attend this pool party.
That’s right – YOU are the Theta Mom® chasing your three year-old around the entire length of the pool, trying to keep your cool as you fake a smile and call her name, hoping she doesn’t fall in and drown as your boobs are flying out of your bathing suit and sweat is dripping down your face…and all you really want is five measly minutes alone, at the bar with a beer.
But that won’t ever happen.
Take it from me – say NO to that pool party and instead, turn on the sprinkler in your backyard for the kids, pull up a lawn chair and pour yourself an extra large cocktail as you soak up some sun.
You’ll have a much better time, I guarantee it.
You’re welcome.
LOL! Went to the pool with a friend yesterday while she was babysitting a 2-year-old. We all pile out for the adult swim whistle and she and I are fussing around with out towels about to sit down and I hear the lifeguard say, “You have to get out. It’s adult swim!” I turn around and there is the two-year-old, back in the pool…two adults and neither one of us saw her! Thank goodness she was in the kiddie pool and had her floaties on!
It’s WORK at the pool with a toddler! My son is older now and he loves to swim and swims well so it’s such a joy to go to the pool with him. But, when he was younger (and now with my daughter), it’s a different ball game. I would rather be at the beach with the kids – so much easier to manage!
Haha! Love this, my friend. I made that mistake once…will never go to one again
Haha!! I know just what you mean! 😉
Haha! Thanks for the advice, Heather
I usually don’t write tons of sarcastic posts, but I couldn’t resist this one! 😉 Hope it made you laugh
Yeah, nothing about a pool party with my 3-year old and 10-month old sounds fun or relaxing. It sounds hectic to downright dangerous. The pool we go to has a large children’s wading pool and water playground, and it is still hard to chase around the 3-year old while toting around the baby!
I know, right?! It’s so hard when they’re little and until they can really swim on their own -and WANT to swim in the pool for that matter 😉
I know, right?! It’s absurd- what about all the complaining ‘she splashed me!’ and all the various pieces of gear to avoid the water…why are we even going to a pool if you need 98% of your body to be contained in a flotation device and/or wrapped in rubber?! I’m familiar with this because we go twice a week.
I know! My daughter’s vest is so bulky on her, yet the swimmies for her arms alone (without the vest) just don’t give her enough coverage (or maybe I just don’t feel confident about them) – until they can really swim and want to be there, it’s hard for us mamas. 😉
This is why I have my own pool and do not attend other’s pool parties. True Story. No one needs to see what ‘hangs out’ of my suit. Or if I’m wearing one or not under my cover up :p
haha!! Yes, we have our own pool as well and I stopped attending those pool parties when all of the above happened – that was the end of that mama! lol
I absolutely loved, adored and soaked up the wisdom from this post! Even though my twins are now on the verge of adulthood, lemme tell ya, I can relate! It gets better though ladies. As your kids tip the scales of older, you’ll have plenty of time to relax with an adult beverage, and you will actually be able to tell them to buzz off and make their own friends.
Till then, hang in! 😀
I’m trying mama! Thanks for sharing that at some point, this whole pool thing will get easier 😉
so far “pool party” = just our family at Granny’s pool. Thank goodness.
however next weekend we have a pool party birthday party to go to. maybe we will “forget” our suits and leave after cake.
Oooooh girl, you’ll have to fill me in – let me know how it goes!!
Thanks for the tips..they were hilarious to read!
Thank you for the reminder… I knew that there were reasons that I didn’t go to those things!
It’s better that I stay home at my own pool that way I don’t scar anyone for life by flashing them…. I simply can’t afford the therapy they’ll need!