The other night I was out to eat with some good friends who happen to be awesome Theta Moms. Sometimes, the stress of motherhood is so overwhelming that I grab my girlfriends for a night out and we whine together over some good grub. And somehow after dinner, several cocktails and commiserating together, it makes us feel better.
I love our {I wish it was monthly} whine fest because these women actually listen when I talk. And they certainly don’t mind listening to me complain about it all because they’re doing the exact same thing! On our recent whine fest about motherhood, we were talking about the ridiculous stress levels that we seem to endure as mothers.
We were talking about ways we try to cope with it all, but we also were trying to understand what has really changed since our own moms were moms – because, really, were they this stressed out?
We think not.
When I was a little girl, my Nana lived with us so when my mom ended up returning to work, guess who didn’t have to worry having dinner on the table each night? Guess who didn’t have to worry about endless piles of laundry and the day-to-day cleaning of the house? Guess who didn’t have to worry about homework getting done? My mother didn’t have to worry because she had my grandmother doing it for her.
The bottom line is we can’t do it all gang, not all at once. And perhaps, are we overextending ourselves in the process?
When whining to my girlfriends, it turns out their moms had help, too. In all instances, our moms had their own moms (our grandmothers) right by their side as they raised us. And let me tell you if I had that kind of help, it would make all the difference in the world.
Today, my kids ALWAYS seem to be up my butt.
Every single minute.
Every little second, I am being asked to play with them and especially when we are out, I need to watch them like a hawk…but when I was a kid, I came home from school at 3pm and I was gone from the house until 6pm. I was out playing the entire time so that meant my mom had her own time. She could have been watching Oprah for all I know – she had at least three hours a day with no nagging or drama from us because we were out of her hair.
As for me as a mom today? I can’t even go to the bathroom without being followed.
I’m not going to say my mother never had any stress raising us because I’m sure she had her fair share. Financially, my parents struggled most of my childhood and I can’t imagine that huge burden but when you look at the day-to-day living and raising a family, my mom had help – the kind of help I truly envy.
Unfortunately, today, it’s much different. Many of us are struggling to do this motherhood thing without assistance and in many cases, we’re all trying to give our kids everything we didn’t have – perhaps even too much.
Nina Restieri recently blogged about the stress of moms today that really hit close to home for me. She distinctly asks in a recent post, “As a mom, are you overgiving?” She raises some wonderful points in that piece leaving you with tons to think about. She writes,
“My mom loved me to pieces, but I don’t know if she ever got stressed out over a PTA bake sale. I don’t think our moms worried about things like teachers who weren’t the right fit, or that we weren’t involved in enough extracurricular activities, or whether we spent too many hours in front of the tv.”
My head kept nodding and nodding as I continued to read her post because that’s totally me.
I *do* stress over if the teacher is a good fit for my kid.
I *do* stress over finding time to actually bake something from scratch for the bake sale, because I would be considered a slacker mom if I purchased something pre-made from the supermarket.
And I *do* stress about being the taxi cab mom running the kids to their activities and the nine million other things on my to-do list. And let’s not forget about the need to keep up with technology since my kids always seem to talk about what they’re friends are “playing” with and wondering why they don’t have the same.
It’s the never-ending cycle of trying to give our kids the best childhood that we can, trying to give them the things that we didn’t have growing up – but at what point does this become too much?
Maybe if I had constant help (the way my own mother did) none of this would feel as overwhelming. I don’t hear stories about my mom grabbing a beer after the kids were in bed because the day was stressful. But as for me or my whine fest friends? We gladly click our beers together.
We are a new breed of moms – the generation of parenting I think still needs tons of sorting out because we have way too much on our plates.
Until then, feel free to join us at whine fest, the door is always open – and stressed out Theta Moms are always welcome.
I love this. That is all
I’m SO glad. That is all
I’ve often wondered why I find this so hard. My mom had 4 kids, a husband who wasn’t very hands on at that time, and she seemed way more competent than I ever feel. And I have ONE kid (well, 1 1/2) and my husband is a SAHD. Honestly, I think I suck. Or at least need a good whine.
Same here mama. My mom had three and although she had my Nana with her, I’m sure there were days she didn’t even know how she did it. I remember watching Kate Gosselin and thinking if that girl can do it with 8, I sure as hell better get my act together with 2.
I think we all have our own battles and we’re just doing the best job we can the only way we know how. And you’re a GREAT mom – who probably needs a whine fest from time to time.
xoxo
My mom unfortunately lost her mom when I was only 4 and my brother 1. So she basically did it without help. Sure, my dad’s mom would help on occasion i.e. when they went on vacations, or a date night here and there. But as far as day to day help. She did it by herself.
When I’ve called her up to ask how she did it when I was little, she usually jokes and says to me “why do you think we would have a drink every now and then?” LOL!
I am so sorry to hear that – my hat is off to your mom and the many out there who do it on their own. Motherhood is and continues to be the toughest job I’ve ever had – cheers to us mamas, just doing the best job we can 😉
Girl, does this resonate with me! And no, I don’t think my mom was as stressed. Although my dad did travel a lot for his job, so she was basically a single parent much of the time. But, she had help. And I don’t think she worried about the same things I worry about.
I don’t like to whine, and I try not to. But I do enjoy commiserating with other mamas who understand. OK, it’s basically whining. And if it’s done over a glass of wine, all the better!
I don’t like to whine either, but it just happens especially when I with other moms who *get* me. Nothing wrong with a little whine and wine from time to time. 😉
It’s like kismet that I should read this post tonight because I just got off the phone with my mom (or more accurately, hung up on her) after she told me that I complain too much about my 2YO – who these days seems to live to push my buttons and stretch her boundaries. I am up to my eyeballs in the Terrible Two’s while also working full-time (my mom didn’t go back to work until I was 10 years old) AND I’m single mom-ing it in the morning since my husband leaves for work at 6am AND I also to the daycare pick-up in the afternoon AND I then come home and cook dinner each night. I also love my daughter dearly, chronicle my most cherished memories of her in my blog, and tell friends and family how she makes me laugh every day. And yet despite all this, I’m not entitled to occasionally complain about the rigors of motherhood – even good-naturedly? Who the hell does she think I am – Supermom?
I can only assume she either doesn’t recall the challenges of the toddlerhood or she was far better at this mom thing than I am.
And now I’m crying.
I question that myself daily – that maybe I was not truly cut out for this, that my mom just seemed SO much better at this gig than I am. I don’t know, I think a lot of it has to do with the added pressures we face in sociaty today, things our own mothers never had to deal with.
I don’t have the answers, just thankful I have a platform to share my ideas and feel support from other moms who feel the same way.
My mom had 4 of us and she was sort of working, but she also had my grandmother, aunt and 2 live-in domestic helpers in the early years. Not to undermine her parenting, because she did have a lot of driving us around to do! And I’m sure dealing with 2 boys, 2 girls can’t have been easy, even with all the help. BUT, I do feel like there is more for us mothers to worry about these days – I don’t even want to go into it!
Agreed – we have far more things to worry about than they did. It really is a different world!!
AMEN sista!! My mom had my grandmother too!!! My grandmother lived with us growing up. Excellent points brought up in this post.
AMEN SISTA!!!
Great post Heather! Thanks for the mention! Obviously I agree with EVERYTHING you said. Parenting is harder for us than it was for our moms. My mom was a single, working mom for years, but her mom lived 5 minutes away and so did her sister. What happened to those “villages” we used to have growing up, those communities that provided help and support to moms, and why do so few of us have them now?
This is why I think I fell in love woth blogging – I found my “village” of women and support online. I just wish I had it IRL, too.
And thanks again for the inspiration – so much food for thought…
It’s true, all of it. We buy so very many more worries today. Out of necessity and knowledge and habit, maybe?
(Love this, you. We all need to step back and reflect on what we’re doing every once in awhile!)
We do have so many more worries today – which is why I enjoy some good whine fest from time to time 😉
This… this is the story of my life. And I am so thankful to know that I am not alone.
There’s a saying that it takes a village to raise a child. We don’t do that anymore… we don’t have the help or support system. Times have changed but I’m wondering if they need to change back.
I have been there and barely survived the preschool birthday pool party at a fancy club. What were they thinking? I don’t do birthday parties any longer. Really! The preschool and kindergarten birthday party scene is NOT where it is at. My hubby and I were so burnt out on them we let our dd pick her fav eating out place and a day at her fav place. We have been to the zoo, art museum, park, and a wonderful natural science museum. No parties, no tantrums, no headaches. I don allow her to have one Halloween party each year with about 5-7 friends her own age. It works and the other parents don’t have to stay or bring a thing.