While my feet are in stirrups and I am flat on my back waiting for my Gyno to do his thing (which by the way, mine is a man and I had a conversation with a friend recently who only swears by a woman OB –which actually makes for the perfect blog fodder for a future post) he starts to rattle off some questions and goes through my history since my last yearly exam.
And then asks me about pregnancy and birth control {quite the hot topic in politics these days}.
Anyhoo, as I stared at the ceiling my response was the same as it was the day before.
And the month before.
And the year before.
And even the year before that.
And that response is, “I am done.”
I mean, really done – done as put-a-fork-in-it DONE.
I come from the camp that believes women just know when baby blankets and bottles are no longer in their future. The kind of camp that believes women have an innate ability to know *just *when that desire to reproduce expires.
I believe a woman just knows.
I think every woman retains that magical number which she knows whole-heartedly would put her over the edge. When my husband and I had our first baby, I wasn’t even sure about a second. I felt blessed enough to bring one healthy life into this world, so having another was possibly up for discussion at some point but three was completely out of the question.
Even at that time, I knew I was done at two.
If you’re reading this post and not sure if in fact YOU are indeed done, I can tell you that – you’re probably not. If you are unsure whether another baby would really put you over the edge, having another (for you) may still be in the cards.
If you get baby fever from time to time (not just holding a friend’s newborn for five minutes and then handing it back – I mean, the kind of fever in which you also recall a gazillion sleepness nights, terrible twos and nightmarish toddler tantrums and STILL have an inkling to want another), then you are certainly not done my friend.
As for me and the answer to my Gyno which he continues to ask me yearly?
Put-a-fork-in-it gang.
I am done.
It’s good to know, right?
I know once I have this second baby in May, I’m done too. Put-a-fork-in-it-done.
Your pregnancy is going so fast Alison! I know, it’s always much quicker for those of us who are watching from the sideline. 😉
That’s so wonderful to know when to say you’re done. For me, since I’m now a single mom I am done-for-now because of the obvious but I would love to have one more before I hit 40 😉
See? My theory still works – because you *technically* aren’t done, yet! 😉
This is so true. I know I am done too but there are some days when I change my mind for a quick second but that doesn’t last long.
So funny you say that because about 2 years ago (my daughter couldn’t have been more than 12 months at the time) I wrote a post with this same exact title and even though I felt done at that time, too – I was actually a bit sad thinking about how FINAL it all felt…it was the realization that every milestone my baby was making, would be the last.
Now – two years later?
Girl, I had a MASSIVE garage sale a few months ago with all of the baby things.
Trust me, I know it’s final and I’m ok with that!! I think we go through stages of “being done.” Maybe that should be a perfect follow-up post. 😉
I am done, done, done. Four kids is my limit. Heck, I was only supposed to have three but number three was twins, LOL! For the first time in my mothering life, I do not have baby belly envy AT ALL. That’s how I know I’m done as done can be.
And I was going to blog about this later this week… now I’ve got to come up with a new topic, LOL!
After my second son was born, I was finished. I even asked the doctor to tie my tubes. He refused b/c I was still a baby & only 19. I’m glad b/c 6 years later, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.
And while I’m pretty sure we’re finished, I still feel urges to have JUST ONE MORE. I’m not sure if it’s as much wanting another baby, but being sad over knowing I’ll never feel someone kick me from the inside again.
UGH. This has been on my mind so much lately. Probably because when I was pregnant I was done, Done, DONE. I even asked my OB to tie my tubes since she’d be in there for the c-section anyway. She hesitated because I was making the decision while pregnant and with a somewhat complicated pregnancy. But I was SURE. 100% sure.
Now, that Cole is a year… I’m not so sure. I have twinges that last a little longer than they used to when I see pregnant women, when I see itty bitties and even when I see my two playing together. But, man, I was SO sure a year ago.
See, I am so confused about this. Logically, the best thing to do would just be done with two. But my heart. OH, my heart. It wants a third. It’s not practical at all. But I still can’t get it out of my head.
I feel like – I would be DONE at three. I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s just a gut feeling.
Haha, so true. I knew I was done about mid-way through my second pregnancy. I was so sure that the hubs got the big ole snip not long after kidlet #2 was born. Sure, I’d love to have more children, but I have enough trouble trying to juggle the two of them, the Hubs, the dog, life and a career!
So true! That was me when I was pregnant with my third and found out he needed to be born via c-section. Had everything done right after he was born.
I’m done, but by necessity rather than desire perhaps. 42 yrs old, 3 kids and expensive trips to the States. It’s just not possible.
When my husband & I met 3 years ago-we were done!!! He even asked me to make an appointment to get snipped. We were both married before and brought 2 sons each into the relationship 11,13,14,&14; that’s a lot of testosterone. I never expected to fall so head over heels in love. We discussed it one night in the throws of passion & it turns out both of us really wanted to have a child together. A month later I was pregnant. Almost a year ago this month our little girl was born. Upon her arrival I looked at my husband (true story) and said, “I SO want another one!” We are currently trying. I have no clue if I am done, jokingly he says he’d like 2 more. He is one of seven and he is a twin. To be continued….
We are definitely not done. Now if life would just cooperate…
I go back and forth depending on the day, and how well my boys have behaved. So Im probably not done. While it would be nice to just stay a family of four, I think we will become a family of 5 sooner rather than later. At least, as long as everything goes according to our plans.
Yes, this. I know exactly this.
I’m done, too.
I get pangs ALL the time.
But nonetheless, I’m done.
I have five-year-old twins, and ever since they were born I’ve pretty much known I was done (although I did have the occasional pang when they were in that prime cuteness and relative easiness between 8 and 14 months).
I can’t imagine giving up the freedom I have now that my girls are about to head into Kindergarten. But as I see them transitioning into “big kid”ness, and as I approach 40, I sometimes feel a pang of sadness about the fact that I won’t have a baby again. But I think that’s different from actually wanting one….
I have two, also, and a couple of years ago I started having pangs like … oh, do I want another? I spent some time really thinking about it, though, and I realized that what I wanted was for this phase not to be over. That’s of course delayed but not fixed by having another child. And I don’t, ultimately, at least for me, think that is the right reason to have another. So we’re sticking with two. And I still don’t want it to be over. xox
This is such an interesting post and a topic that has been on my mind A LOT. We only have one, and he’s two. Everybody, including myself, thought I would have more. But I had an extremely difficult pregnancy, delivery and recovery experience with him and I have no desire to go through any of it again. I don’t want another one. But there is so much expectation for another child from my husband and our families, and really anyone who sees you have a toddler and then asks, “so when’s the next one?” Because of this pressure, I feel guilty for not wanting another one. How do you justify only wanting one and then being done?
Julia — this is hard. You shouldn’t have to justify your decision or feelings but I get what you’re saying; everyone expects you have “at least” one more. It’s the same for me although the opposite. Everyone seems to want us to stop at #3 and outside of saying kiss my…mind your business, I don’t know how to respond. I think if you simply respond with “we’re happy the way we are” or “we’re content with one” or explain the pregnancy, delivery, and recovery it should be enough (as I laugh b/c I know full well that won’t stop people from asking).
Thank you!! I will definitely try something along the lines of “we’re happy the way we are.” And I totally agree with you; it is not anyone’s business!!
I believe women have that deep intuitive knowledge too. I never felt fork-done until after baby #5, but now it’s definitely 100% true. I want him to be the baby of our family. I never want to potty-train (or talk about it) ever again. I actually like the bittersweet feeling of knowing this is the last time I will do certain things. I like remembering my very young children as they move into elementary school and young adulthood. I trust women. It drives me insane that our culture does not seem to. Women know. It all. The rest of the world needs to trust us. Erin
Baby #4 is four months old today. And I KNOW FOR SURE that this is IT.
My husband claims to be done. I, however, am not. There is a fourth in our future (as I’ve explained to him by way of “please don’t make me sneak it in there.”) After our third which wound up in an emergency c-section, I said no, I’m done. I don’t want the fourth; I can’t take the fright of something going wrong. No more than 3 months later I had changed my tune. I don’t think I’d ever fully accepted that he’d be our last. And now, I don’t want finances to be the only reason why we don’t have our fourth. Yet, in all honesty, I may just have to suffer with the pangs and resign myself to wanting but not having.
I agree. You just know.
I had always thought I would have 4 kids when I was younger.
Then as life happened and each child came along, I knew I was done after the 3rd. It’s like the clock stops ticking and you can hear the silence and you LIKE it. lol
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no… I checked/replied/nodded yes to all of those examples about not being done. But i have FOUR and really who has FIVE anymore and lives to tell about it. oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no
Sigh. I don’t feel done. But I have a weird feeling that there ISN’T a done feeling in my future, no matter what. I really think I would always want “just one more.”
Now my husband? Done the second I pee’d on the stick with our second. And to get undone would involve a giant failure of modern medicine
You could definitely see your enthusiasm in the article you write.
The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe.
All the time go after your heart.