My guest blogger is Missy Bedell, author of The Literal Mom. She loves helping parents through a comprehensive improvement plan that gets parents to think about their own parenting. She raises some good points in her piece today regarding the benefits of giving back, both in our personal lives as well as in the blogging community.
The happiest people I meet are the ones who have found a way to give back. People who understand that in order to feel good about yourself, it’s not what you GET from others, it’s what you GIVE to others.
When I was a brand new mom back in early 2002, I didn’t have a blog yet. I actually didn’t even have a computer in my home. The horror! And I was lonely and so confused about my new life. Heather recently wrote a beautiful post about this very issue.
I spent the first year of my oldest daughter’s life wondering what had happened to me. Why was I miserable when I had the very thing I’d always wanted – a baby?
Eventually I learned the reason…I wasn’t giving back yet.
I left a very public service job. It didn’t pay much, but I helped people who very rarely get noticed in life. And I was tired of it. I was exhausted by their demands, by the pressures of never being “finished” with the job. I thought that having a baby would change all of that.
And is it no surprise that my “new life” as a mom was exactly like the old one? Except, I wasn’t getting paid for this new life. I was exhausted all the time. She never stopped crying unless I held her, yes, 24 hours a day. I felt completely cut off from “the world.” I would sit in the 3am dark and look out the window thinking everyone’s lives were going on and mine was in limbo. I felt that my life had become an endless loop that I didn’t like. All of this despite my love of my baby.
I wasn’t giving back yet.
Fast forward 8 or 10 months and I received an invitation to join a volunteer organization. Yes, it was the invitation-only kind and I know some people don’t believe in those. But I leapt at the chance.
Why?
First, because I was so lonely I could hardly breathe. I needed people and meaningful human contact in the world’s worst way.
Second, because I believe giving back tops the list of important things we do with our lives.
And I found over the next 4 years that the more I gave to this organization, the more I got out of it. When I put myself out there to become a leader, I began to regain my confidence as a woman. And bonus – I started getting more confidence as a mother. That organization became a stepping stone for me to another organization and another and another.
Today, I’m the President of a Board of Trustees, a Treasurer of a Home and School Association, and an event coordinator for a statewide parent day.
And NOW I’m advancing my writing career, what I always wanted, and one might think my rubber band could snap from the stretching I do.
But you know what?
It doesn’t, because all of my giving pays me and my family back; in confidence, in leadership skills, in community building, and in the knowledge that I helped someone. Everything I do for my own children, I try to do on some level for the educational organizations I lead. I am a better person because of what I give back to others.
Blogging is the same for me.
It would be easy to say “this blog needs my attention more than anything else. I don’t have time to meet other bloggers, reach out, comment, join groups, jump into Twitter conversations, guest blog or help other bloggers spread the word about their blog. I only have time to write my posts and wait for comments to come in.”
But, like my life 10 years ago, that would lead to loneliness, the feeling that the blogging world swirls all around me without me.
So I give back in the blogging world. And the more I give, the more I receive. When I take the time to meaningfully connect with people’s posts, when I help a new blogger, when I offer to guest post for someone to ease their burden, I am giving to them.
But I’m also building a community. A community that helps each other, makes each other stronger, stands behind each other on hard days/weeks/months – much like the Theta Mom® Community.
I encourage you to give back in all that you do. Life is much, much larger than your own role in it. Volunteer at your child’s school, find a cause that means something to you and give your time, talent or treasure to it.
With blogging, make the effort to connect with people. Hold a new blogger’s hand. Reach out to help a busy blogger. Think in terms of “how can I help someone,” rather than “what can this person do for me?” You will be a better person for it. You’ll be happier, for you will have made someone else’s life easier for a time. And in the process, you’ll find what you are looking for without even trying.
And that is what life is all about.
Missy, wonderful post. I think it’s great that you are so accomplished, and all based on the simple principle of giving back. I try to do that with blogging. The opportunity to help someone out, be there for someone, there’s nothing like it. Now, I just need to work on that a bit more in my real life as a stay-at-home mom
Alison – when I thought of bloggers who give back really well in the blogging community, you were at the top of the list. I am learning a lot from you and your selfless giving to your fellow bloggers.
I totally agree with this post! It is so important that blog not just be for you, but for your readers.
I agree. I understand the philosophy “write for yourself, not for your audience.” But I also strongly feel how important connecting with your readers is. And you do a great job!
Missy, you are great! I totally appreciate your comments and your kindness. Thank you for the reminder that it does take a conscious effort to help other people & sometimes we don’t want to do it! (that’s me anyway.) I also echo your conclusion–I have found exactly what I had been looking for by taking this blogging thing seriously, and a step at a time. not perfectly. just the best I can do. thanks Missy!!
Wendy – I’m so glad to hear that. I agree with you – it is amazing how much more fulfilling blogging is when I’m using a chunk of my time to reach out and connect with others. We are all in this together and supporting each other makes it so much more fun!
What a great post! It really is so true, the more you give the more you receive. Thank you for reminding us!
Kristin – thank you. And many times it’s me reminding myself too!
Such a great post Missy! I have to admit that I am not the best at giving back but I try to do as much as I can within the community. I also wish that my son will learn and do this in his own life one day!!
Thanks Barbara! At the school where I do the majority of my volunteering, I always ask parents to give what they can. Whether it’s 1 hour a month or 5 hours a week, it makes a difference – to the organization and to the person volunteering. So doing as much as you can is wonderful – keep it up!
This is SO true! I totally feel at my best when I am looking outside myself to help others! And I too started my blog partially out of loneliness…but it was loneliness for MYSELF. I have spent WAY too much time in my life living for others and over the years lost a lot of my creativity and self awareness. Now that I am flogging (food blogging) I make more of an effort to get out of the house, take time to bake (it relaxes me and makes me happy) and cook at home and when I flog about it all, my photography and writing skills are revived again. An outlet times THREE for me, and it has been SO important. Can’t wait to see your blog Melissa! =) Here I go! =)
I couldn’t have said it better myself! You are so right – the payback is immense. The more we give, the more we receive. And I love the term flogging! Creative!
Oh Missy… This post resonates deeply with me (and I have tears welling up as proof). It’s a beautiful post. Thank you for being supportive, giving you.
Thanks Heather for Missy’s guest spot today!
Kelli – thank you so much! I have tears because you have tears. It means so much to me that this post connected with you so deeply.
Heather – thank YOU from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to guest post at Theta Mom about something that means so much to me. You have set the bar for many of us in the blogging world on the importance of giving back and why being a part of the blogging community is so important. I’ve learned many of my best lessons from reading your words.
So thank you for all that YOU do to give back. We are all better because of it. I am proud to be a member of TMC.
Wow, thank you so much for the kind words Missy – the pleasure to have you here is all mine!
The beauty of blogging is that we ARE part of something bigger than ourselves – that when we connect on issues and experiences that are relevant to us, it brings this process to a whole new level. The saying “you get out of something is what you put into it” – holds true in life but it’s also a testament to blogging as well.
Stay passionate about your writing and continue to connect with others – thanks for being supportive of TMC! 😉
Love love love this post! Giving back in all areas of life is so important! Yay Missy!
Rachel – thanks so much!
Well look at you!! I’m SO excited that you have your Theta Mom Day! Congratulations my friend!!!
And you are so spot on about giving back!! Life really isn’t all the fun without it!!
Thank you for all the supportive comments you’ve given me over the last few months! I really appreciate every single one of them!
Thank YOU! You have been supporting me with comments just as much. Which is part of what this post is all about – how much we can support each other online. It makes me so happy.
So nice to see you over here, Missy. And I loved this post. You’ve really made me think about the importance of community, both locally and in the blogosphere. My transition to motherhood was similar to yours: I went from a very giving professional life to a life at home, which was also all about giving, but in a very different way. I had never made the connection between supporting the blogging community and public service, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks, Missy!
Kristen – I’m so glad this post was helpful to you! I’ve been thinking about this idea and the connection for awhile and when Heather offered me the slot today, I knew Theta was the perfect location to share it.
Good points! The connections are so important. Important to the growth of both the writer and the blog. AMEN.
Krista – you are exactly right about the growth of the writer and the blog. I love how much I’ve personally grown since starting my blog and that doesn’t have a lot to do with the writing – that’s all about the community.
I seriously wish I could reach out and hug you right now. You are the kind of person I love to encounter in the blogging world. You’re out there and honest and sharing the stuff that works for you and makes you feel good so that others may benefit in the same way.
You also are a wonderful reminder to so many of us who have felt that blogging world swirling around them wondering when we’d be a part of the action. Who knew the “action” could begin with me?
Thanks for sharing!
Wow, you just gave me chills. Thank you so much for these kind words. I think we can {{{hug}}} virtually, can’t we?
Sage advice, Missy. When I first started blogging, it was all about just writing and memory-keeping for my daughter’s sake and then I stumbled onto a great blogging community and was amazed at how open and warm they were to newbies like me. Now some of my closest friends come from the blogosphere and had I not reached out, no one would have known to reach back to me.
Exactly, Justine, about the when I reach out, others reach back. And I am developing some really close friends through blogging too. It’s an amazing community and I am so happy/proud to be part of it.
I am the Executive Director at the school where Missy is the Board of Trustees President and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that this is a give it back, pay it forward person! Thanks for the great posting, Missy, and always reminding everyone you come in contact with that giving of yourself is so important. And I love how you’re passing that along to your children. You’re a great role model for all women.
Awwww, thanks Lenn! What a lovely surprise to find a comment from you here today!
Blogging is definitely a give and take community. You only get out of it what you are willing to give and blogging is all about karma. Great post!
Courtney – I agree! And it’s fun to build community with so many wonderful people.
Can you hear me clapping and yelling “bravo!”? I’m giving you a standing O here in NY. This is simply the best advice for blogging and for life in general. The more you give, the more you get. Amen!
Jen, thank you so much! I am so thankful and happy about what a positive response this post has had today. And it’s been so nice to meet so many wonderful new friends here today!
You nailed this one, Missy. Words to live by beyond the blogosphere. xo
Thanks, Sue. So glad you feel the same way, though I’m not surprised!
This is such an interesting, thoughtful post. And a wonderful lesson and reminder. Thank you- and lovely to see you here!
Thanks, Galit! I appreciate your kind words.
This is an amazing post. As a psychotherapist who helps families and as a parenting expert who blogs to help other parents on their journeys, I have always felt good about helping people. But sometimes it’s the little things too. Today I made dinner for a friend who just got back from a week in the hospital with her one month old baby…she needed a break and I was able to give it to her. She would do the same for me. The world is a better place when people take the time to do something nice.
Katie – you are exactly right. It doesn’t ever have to be something “huge” to give back. Sometimes giving back in a small way means just as much to a person in need. Love the dinner example because that king of gesture is so appreciated by the receiver!
Wonderful post Missy!!! I love that you have made your life about service. What a great example you are for your children and others. And I’ve noticed how you reach out in blogging too. Your kindness has been appreciated!
Thank you so much! That means a lot to me to hear you say that. Sometimes I feel like I am reaching out, but that there could always be more (the perfectionist in me), so I am glad to know what I can do is appreciated. YOU are great at reaching out too. So thank you.
You’re amazing Missy! Sometimes the lack of time that a mother has can keep her from giving back to the community. But I think that you can also give back in small, little ways. There is a website called 6 Billion Paths To Peace. It talks about all the little ways to make a difference in people’s lives. That time just after having a baby can be very lonely. It’s wonderful the way you reach out!
PS Glad we’re blogging friends…it does make life less lonely, doesn’t it?
Betsy – I love that you always have an awesome website to access when we talk about these things. I’ve told you before – that you are a huge inspiration to me. I’m glad we’re blogging friends too.
I can SO relate to this.
After having my daughter I felt isolated, alone, and swallowed up by PPD.
Blogging and going back to work really brought me back.
Fantastic post.
Leighann – I totally understand. Those first several months as a mom were some of the hardest in my life. I’m so glad you had blogging and work to help you through it. Thanks so much
A very inspiring post! It’s wonderful to give back or help a newbie in need – this is an area in my life that I would like to work at improving. In the blog world, I receive so many wonderful comments but am unable to respond due to the formatting of my site. I need to make a better effort to get back to those who are giving back to me me. Thanks for the inspiration!
It is really frustrating when you can’t respond properly to your comments! That’s one reason I ended up moving to a new site several months ago! Glad to meet you!
Great post! It’s so true about building community; whether it be through a blog on the internet or friendships in “real life”. I think paying it forward goes a long way and karma will get you–good and bad.
Good point about karma, my friend! Thanks for the comment!
I love this post, Missy! I love how you regained your sense of self by giving back. It’s so important. I sometimes feel overwhelmed with everything that I commit to, but I truly enjoy most of the things that I don’t get paid for.
Leigh Ann –
I agree! That’s why it’s hard for me to give up some of the things I do! But, I have to keep in mind that the more I do, the less of me there is to do things well. It’s a hard balance sometimes, but I’m getting better at it.
This: “Life is much, much more than your own role in it” about sums it up for me. I often say to others that I was put here for a reason and to serve a purpose. And I feel as though it is to help others in some way. I’m blessed to be a blessing. The saying never gets old and giving back never goes out of style.
I wondered if that line would alienate some people – I wholeheartedly believe it, but I was worried that some would feel I was minimizing the importance we all play in our own lives – to our families, etc. Glad it resonated with you!
I love this post. I feel better when I am involved and see myself as a cog in the overall wheel of life
Making connections is important to me, and helping people is a good way to find like-minded people to spend time with.
Angela – totally agree that helping people is a way to find other like-minded people. I’ve volunteered at some places where it WASN’T a good fit for me. I was happy to recognize that and find places where I have a true passion and can work toward positive change – sounds the same for you.
I just read this post, made me think of a young man I recently met in Buenos Aires. He told me that he had just returned from having traveled around Mexico for 2 years. Prior to his journey, he was leading a group of boy scouts working with the homeless…At some point, the people in his neighbourhood gathered in their church community to recognize all these boys had done by holding a type of ceremony with gifts and ribbons for the boys. This man led his group and reminded them of all they had gained from being with these people. Before they joined the boy scouts, they were lost…they gained confidence, wisdom, courage and found meaning…This was their reward, instead, they gave back a very special gift to the people….what they got in return was absolutely phenomenal! I am currently writing about this story for one of my future posts…It will surely inspire others as much as it has inspired me!!!! Loved this post!!! It is so true!!