Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me – maybe I’m just the crazy one. There’s no cookie cutter way to parent, nor is there any “right” way and if I knew the most effective way to parent then I would write the book. And be uber rich right now.
But, I don’t have all of the answers. I didn’t write the book. And I’m not uber rich.
All I can do is try to conjure up some ideas that appear to work for me in the process. Yet, I am constantly left wondering if the job I’m doing is good enough while preventing mistakes along the way. I am also trying hard to curb the constant worry that erupts inside me.
My son will be six and I *still* cut up his hotdog into 5,000 little pieces. To this day, he has never eaten a hotdog without it being cut BOTH vertically and horizontally. Maybe all of my years teaching in an elementary school have taken its toll on me, knowing that hotdogs are one of the most common ways that children choke. Not only do I continue to cut hotdogs (and grapes for my daughter), both of my kids have NEVER eaten any kind of hard, round candy – and I don’t think I will let them until they are 18 and out of my house.
Choking, it’s one of my constant worries.
My daughter will be three and I *still* cannot lay poolside with a magazine and watch her from afar. Even though she wears a secure life vest as she swims, I must always be in the pool within an arm’s reach of her. You know, just in case…I watch in awe of other parents (of children who CANNOT swim) that don’t seem to mind the fact that their child (who does NOT wear a life vest) can roll over in the water at any moment and be in major trouble within seconds.
Drowning, it’s one of my constant worries.
My son has a life-threatening nut allergy which takes my worry-ness to a whole level. Did I just make up that word? Worryness – it would be defined with my photo next to it. I take every precaution known to man with this allergy but we do not live in a bubble and there will come a time when my son will have to handle these situations on his own. Even though I never leave home without an Epi-Pen and a bottle of Benadryl, I still have a hard time being relaxed any time we are faced in an environment containing nuts.
Anaphylactic Shock, it’s one of my constant worries.
I could actually make this list go on and on because when I think about it, I am without a doubt a Theta Mom who constantly “worries.”
Yes, I am THAT mom.
In fact, I fear that I am royally screwing up my kids because I may appear to be a bit overprotective, when my “worryness” takes over.
Royally screwing up my kids, it’s one of my constant worries.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me, maybe I’m just the crazy one. Perhaps I should just write the book on Protective Parenting – because I certainly have infinite experience on the subject.
Thank you for letting me know that I am NOT the ONLY one! Choking is a worry that has never left me, and drowning has become a new worry as they become more exposed to the water. I can only imagine what other worries will be coming our way.
So you’re writing the chapters on choking, drowning and allergies… I’ll write the worry-driven chapter on sexual abuse.
What chapters are other paranoid moms penning?
My chapter would be on pollen allergies that keep you inside in the spring or you get covered with a rash.
We all have our parenting quirks. While I don’t worry about the issues you list, I am obsessive about still holding my nearly 8-year-old’s hand in parking lots. I terrified of all those distracted drivers texting while at the wheel of a mammoth SUV.
Life would be pretty boring if we didn’t have a few worries.
My DD is 11 – and I still hold her hand – or try to – when walking through a parking lot…crossing the street…or I TRY to despite her eye-rolling! Still..I agree that we all have our parenting quirks based on life experience.
I think we all feel this way about something or another. Something hits close to home, something scares us, we know someone or read a story about something. These things (and a lot of others) are no joke. Actually, you call it worry. I call it careful parenting. (Now if you’re still cutting your child’s hot dog when he gets married, i’ll amend my statement.)
I’ll write the chapter about eating disorders and addiction. Good times.
Are you inside my head? I cut my kids’ hotdogs up so small that I try to just not get them. Whenever someone asks me if my toddler can have something I examine it for about a minute before giving them sizing instructions. Drowning is always a fear, even when she’s wearing her vest and arm floats (at the same time). Once I put her in a tube float, on top of the vest and water wings, and my sister said, “She looks uncomfortable, I think you’ve overdone it.” She was right. My kids don’t have allergies and I still worry about fatal allergic reactions, even to foods I know they’ve tried before. And yes, I constantly wonder how I’m doing and how my daily actions will affect them in 1 or 5 or 25 years. I think some of us are just more prone to worry than others. Who’d want anything preventable to happen to their little baby? I know it does, but that’s what I’m always thinking.
I worry about everything, ack! Aside from the ones you mention, I worry about him falling off high places which he loves to climb onto (he’s only 19 months), running onto the road and in car parks, and ingesting something he’s not meant to.
And when he’s older, I’m pretty sure I’ll worry about him being abducted, getting into trouble at school, hanging out with the wrong people, oh gosh, I think I should stop before I drive myself nuts.
My husband? Only worries about his education, socialization, nutrition and entertainment. I think I need to be more like him
The swimming thing, I hear you. I am now at the point where I can sit at the edge of the pool while the kids swim. But I watch them like a hawk and I’m a one-second swim stroke away from them. Eeeee. So scary.
I am often the same way, and I started nodding along when I got to the section about the pool. My daughter doesn’t even like me to touch her half the time we’re in there but you can bet I could at any second! It’s hard to want to protect them so much, but knowing there’s only so much we can do..
I think that worrying and protectiveness is just part of the parenthood package, and I choose to believe that the magazine reading poolside parents must have some sort of protectiveness that perhaps you haven’t even thought of either. Amber
I’m right there with you. It’s the basis behind my whole blog! Trying to manage the worry, always thinking about how we are parenting and doing the best we can every (ok, most) days.
It’s so natural to feel like the only parent out there who has fears that bring you to your knees. But we all worry, we all wonder about the future, we all lose sleep at night. That’s parenting.
It makes me feel SO much better to connect with bloggers who feel the same way I do, even if about different things. Together, we are stronger.
Great post, Heather. Thanks for it.
I’d like to pitch in on the chapters about teens. The other day I heard ambulance sirens while I was driving. I pulled off the road and first called my 18 year old. He assured me he was alive and had all his digits. When I told him I was next calling his sister he told me he had seen her five minutes prior to the call. I informed him it takes far less time than that to drown or get hit by a car. Then I called her, and got an what I suspect was an eye roll. After that I called their dad to make sure he and our 6 year old were fine.
The above is not uncommon or at all out of character for me. Sometimes worrying is all I can phyically do. I’m so glad to know I’m not the only nutball because sometimes it feels sort of lonely up here on Mt Crazy.
I don’t have the same concerns as you, although I can’t imagine reading at the pool. But I do have issues which I know make me seem oddly over-protective – I think we all do. Though as a child of a mom who was extremely over-protective (especially for the ’70’s and ’80’s), I try to give my children more freedom and independent skills than I had. Because my worry is that they’ll feel insecure because I don’t “trust” them to handle things, that’s how I always felt as a kid.
Oh my goodness…I thought there was hope for me. I worry over every single little thing! Looks like I will always be that worry wart. My latest is with my newborn and monkey man. I worry that if monkey gets near her (without me there), hes gonna smother her (he loves to hug her). Then I worry about me holding him back…worrying that I am causing him to hate her because I wont let him touch her without me. Sigh…its a circle of worry.
Ohhh…this is soooooo me!!! My kids are 4 and 17 months and yes, I still cut up the hot dogs for the 4 year old…and the waffles, and the chicken, and the pasta. I have just started allowing hard candy, IF, I can stare at her the entire time she’s eating it.
And the pool? Don’t even get me started.
And yes, I so envy the parents that don’t seem to worry as much. We went out with some friends who have 3 kids…5, 3 and 8 months. The older two were eating hot dogs on buns. FULL hot dogs on buns?!?!?!? And there I was slicing and dicing away.
Ugh…just my nature I guess.
HA! I laugh because I was that hot-dog-cutting Mom, but it was years ago. Now I still worry — once a mom, always a mom! At some point, though, I begin to realize there’s nothing I can do about it anyway, so then I just pray!
I’m THAT mom too! But let me tell you- my mom was super protective of me & I can honestly say, nothing super traumatic ever happened to me. My hubs on the other hand- his mom barely cared. He ended up having things happen to him that are my worst nightmare as a mom. So given that I have seen first hand the differences between being over protective & not protective at all- I am not changing how I parent. My largest responsibility as a mom is to keep them safe & protect them from as much as I can- I plan on doing everything I can to ensure that they grow up not only to be productive members of society- but that they make it as far as they can in life without having their safety, security or innocence robbed from them.
Oh, I empathize completely with you! I’m also a protective, paranoid mother. I believe there are more of us these days than there used to be and I blame it all on an overabundance of fear-mongering (yet well meaning) child rearing books. As parents, we’re knowledgeable of all the dangers out there than our parents were. How can we not worry?
When it comes to kids I think it’s always better to be overly careful vs. inattentive. I’m sure your kids will turn out just fine.
I’m crazy paranoid about drowning, for some reason. So I do worry a lot when my boys are in the pool or the ocean.
Now you’ve got me wondering about hotdogs. My boys are 6 and 7…maybe I should still cut ’em up…
You are not the only one. My daughter actually choked on a twizzler at my SiL’s house when I was at work. She had to stick her fingers down her throat to get it out! I was horrified. The poor kid was congested anyways so having her eat something like that which could get stuck in her throat freaked me out. No twizzlers in my house ever! Those things are so dangerous.
Also I am so terrified of my kids getting kidnapped that we just started letting our 10 year old ride his bike around the block. I make him check in every 30-45 minutes. When I don’t hear from him I grab my phone and keys and run around like a crazy person looking for him. The world is way too dangerous right now. Not to say that I am a helicopter parent but I do hover sometimes.
If you ever write that book on protective parenting make sure to save me a section because I have a lot of experiences to share. BTW, my is 3 and only recently has he eaten peanuts. And I insist on feeding him them one by one. Just in case you know
I cannot sit back when my kids are in the pool. Even though I make them stay on the side of the rope where all three can stand and the youngest wears a floatie. I HAVE to sit on the edge or be in the water b/c they could drown so easily.
We’re moms- we worry.
Dude—I am soooo with you. That was very well put and very related to! In the book I did write (NOT rich and famous from it—has more questions than answers!) I have a chapter “from worrier to warrior” which was basically me worrying about my worrying and wanting to get past it…but can we ever truly get over it? I had that thought just like yesterday that I have never given him hard candy and sat up in bed wondering f they would give it to him in kindergarten this year. UGH! Thanks for letting us know we are not alone in our worry! And, I truly think it is better to be overprotective than underprotective!
I had to smile at the pool comment. My seven year old is in his first year on our swim team and just swam 28 lengths in the pool for a fundraiser and I STILL go into panic mode if I can’t see him.
Why?
Because he’s tiny and a bigger kid might accidentally jump on him or kick him in the water, causing him to panic, inhale water and drown in the blink of an eye. Psycho-mom, that’s me, but I need to have my eyes on him!
You are certainly not alone! I think three is too young to be alone in the water anyway.
If you didnt worry you wouldn’t care.
Heather – I know that most moms worry over the exact list you wrote about above. I certainly did! As your children get older you will mellow out a little – just in time for them to get their drivers license! My daughter just passed her test a couple of weeks ago and my worry-ness factor just soared up about 2,000 notches!
Definitely not alone! I think the worry (for me at least) stems from the lack of control, and lack of knowing what will happen and the combination of the two putting my children in harms way. I’m no psychic but I can’t tell you how many times I wished I was where my boys are concerned.
My current freak out issue is letting my 8 year old son use the public mens restroom. GAH! It freaks me out that he’s in there by himself with only God knows who! Okay, I have to stop or I will be dragging him in the women’s restroom with me until he’s 15!
You’re in my head! No, seriously, I could have written this post exactly as you did! Never being a worrier has turned into constant worry! Two hours ago I asked my husband if this worry was normal…I won’t worry less but feel reassured that there are lots of me’s out there worrying and loving our kids so much! I worry about being the over protective parent and not giving my little one room to breathe but it is all out of love because we all know that it only takes a tenth of a second for the unthinkable to happen (drowning, abduction, choking, falling, etc.) and as loving mom’s we want to prevent the scary in our kids lives!
Thank you…Thank you…Thank you for this post! I mean it…Thank YOU!
Well. I worry about some things. But not all. I don’t know that I could let my kids run around the neighborhood til dark (like I used to do) or even ride their bike to the park that’s half-mile away (like I used to do) but the eating, pool stuff – well – I’m not as worrisome. Maybe I should be???
I think all mothers have their worry space. It’s part of our job. My worry is freak accidents – something totally beyond my control. Our worries also seem to be part of our generation of mothers. With all the freedoms I had as a child – subway alone at 7, park alone at 4, local swimming pool at 5 – my parents clearly didn’t worry as much as I do!
I’m so glad I found your blog this morning! I’m at the stage of parenting where I hope that my sons are carefully cutting up their own hotdogs, but I can totally relate to your post and all these comments. I felt vindicated recently when people started writing about the dangers of window blind cords. For years, I was the only mother I knew who knotted all the cords in my house. Life is a constant struggle between letting go and living carefully. Thanks for providing a place for people to speak and share thoughts honestly…
I definitely fall into the overprotective parent category. I can’t help it because of my own childhood experience. I’m also a single mom and I feel it is my duty to keep my child safe from harm. I was molested by my dad and when I told my mom she didn’t believe me. I am very cautious about everyone who I bring into my daughter’s life for the fear of what happened to me happening to her. I am her protector and she will always be able to count on me. I wrote a short blog about this, please read if you get the chance. http://www.peoplesinsight.com/articles/1-parenting/267-overprotective
We must be twins!! I have the same concerns, and I could write a book. My son is just 4 and I worry about many, many things. I still go in his room at night to make sure he is laying in an optimal breathing position. Yes, I’m that bad!
Want to come over for a hot dog and grapes party? Because we’re *exactly* the same. Just don’t bring any popcorn — because that’s my other point of choking neurosis.
You so rock for writing this down and de-crazying the rest of us. At least a little
I still try to keep my kids as safe as possible – they don’t leave the house without sunscreen, they don’t touch their bikes without a helmet on. But I’ve become much more laid back about most things. Do I still worry all the time? Yes. But I’m working on redirecting my worries. Someone commented that my kids were running around with lollipops in their mouths, and wasn’t I worried about them tripping with those child hazards in their mouths? No, I wasn’t. I’m trying to let go of my constant worries, so that my children can grow up unlimited by my own fears.
Oh I could write this book too and probably be the spokesperson as well. I am beyond over protective and I know it is not always the best way to be but there are definitely worse things we could do than worry about our kids too much!
I am not like this with my kids. I am like this with my husband. He has type 1 diabetes and is on dialysis and less than a year ago had double bypass surgery. I worry about all the worst things happening to HIM. I guess that means you could call me an over-protective wife, but I feel have a real reason to worry.
He implores me not to live in fear and I try so very hard – every day. And most of the time I can do it. But I’m still worried.
I’m definitely “that mom” too! People try to make me feel guilty about it..like I’m some psycho but I’d rather be called that than have something happen to my child. I’ll be crazy over my daughter any day of the week. Glad to know i’m not alone. Great post!