I never knew how much motherhood would be a game changer until I became a mom myself. Once becoming pregnant for the very first time and giving birth to a child, not only did my perspective on life change – but so did my entire world.
It made me think about what I really wanted out of life.
It made me look deeper into myself and define what is really important.
It made me honor my values.
It made me have an undeniable respect for my own mother.
It made me appreciate my childhood and the way I was raised.
It made me think about my actions in a way I never thought about before.
And it certainly made me make some tough choices about what *I* was going to do with the rest of my life.
You see, when my husband stood by my side at the hospital, having a baby wasn’t nearly as much of a game changer for him.
He returned to work upon Day #5 after the birth.
His professional work clothes fit him without an issue.
He didn’t have to diet, workout or worry about his physique.
His hormones remained completely intact.
His relationships with his friends and co-workers were seamlessly easy to maintain.
He did not have to make the tough career choices surrounding the birth of this baby. He still had a job, a pay check and a rewarding career. My husband simply had to get up, shower, eat a little breakfast and return to work, life as he knew it prior to the baby.
But for me, I held onto this precious soul who napped over my shoulder, wondering where my life would lead.
I was confused about the feelings I was having – not knowing if a return to my previous full-time job would be the “right” answer for me.
For us.
I agonized over the blood, sweat and tears it took to obtain a graduate degree and I didn’t want to throw that all away – yet, I wanted nothing more than to hold that baby every second of every hour of every day.
I worried about money – about maternity leave, about insurance, about my job, about getting back into my pre-preggers clothes, about how I was still somewhat confused about this new sisterhood I was just inducted into.
Having a baby was certainly a game changer for me.
My only hope is that with time, women will have many more opportunities to make solid career choices and decisions surrounding the work/life balance of motherhood that makes sense for them without feeling like they are giving up on a part of themselves. I’m hoping women will have more chances to find a way to make it all work.
If only my blog was around 6 years ago – having YOU here reading with me, offering some words of encouragement and letting us all know that WE ARE NOT ALONE. If only I knew back then that I was one of millions of women who felt the same exact way.
If only.
Yup, I am totally there with you. Looking back on that day for me I still remember the sudden realization that I was actually living life for someone other than myself. Now when I sit here and think about it, I can clearly see how much of a child I truly was before I gave birth, and how I almost instantly turned into an adult after the birth.
The first day after my eldest’s birth I actually grew a resentment toward my husband that took a very long time to get over. I was bitter at his indifference and how little he had to change or even wanted to change his life with our new addition. You were lucky to get 5 days, I got a day and a half. I had to call and remind mine to come pick us up from the hospital.
Fantastic post! I was discussing this exact point with a friend yesterday.
Professional + Motherhood = what?
It is an important topic that I think more women are finding a balance for. And for those who struggle to find that balance, they will have communities such as the Theta Mom to help guide the way.
Thank you for another insightful and important post.
This will resonate with so many. I have a dusty Master’s degree too and it took me a long time to reconcile my new life with the one I thought I wanted before baby(ies). It’s funny though, now that I’ve made my peace with the choices I’ve made, I couldn’t be happier.
Thanks for sharing.
I have written an entire chapter of my book on this very topic. It’s titled, “The epiphany.” I guess you could say I get what you are saying.
It’s so true. When I became a mother, I changed instantly in so many ways. It was frightening and exciting all at the same time. It’s still frightening. But it’s still exciting and I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the entire world.
Ain’t that the truth sista!! I thought before I had kids life would go along the same as usual but with kids, boy was I in for an awakening. Wouldn’t change it for anything
So very true. I had no idea the impact that little baby would have on my life and career. He forced me to take a leap of faith I never would have taken otherwise. 10 years later, my life is very different from what I expected, but I love where I am and the things I’m doing that I never would have done. (And I have to LOL because my husband’s career is pretty much exactly where he thought it would be at this point.)
I consider myself blessed to be surrounded by so many women, you included, who can give me a look into the life I’m working for. I’m privileged to have a support system in the wings, if you will. 😉 You provide so much support and wisdom to so many women through this blog and network – so thanks in advance.
The differences you describe between a new mother and a new father? So true. My husband even said his life wouldn’t have to change with a child in it. And to an extent, it hasn’t. It hasn’t because I changed MY life so he wouldn’t have to.
I don’t regret my decision one bit though.
Preach sista! =) I think about this daily. I look at my medical degrees gathering dust, my clothes covered in drool, crumbs from snacks, I spend a majority of my scheduled day doing UNscheduled things like “treasure hunting” various items out of obscure hiding places to relocate them back “home” where they belong….I wonder if I did the right thing…then what happens??? My son comes and finds me for no good reason at all…hugs my knees, looks up into my eyes and says “Mom mmmmmmmm” and nothing else matters and it is all worth it. When I gained my degree, I gained the discipline and dedication to earn it simultaneously…everything leading up to the moment I heard “yep…he’s still a boy!” the day he was born prepared me for the MOST important role I’ll ever have. “Mother” Thanks for posting this….I forget that it isn’t just a job, it is a privilege with perks you just can’t buy….
I have managed to finally find a balance, working from home, seeing my babies grow and still running conference calls. Sometimes i have to step away from family breakfast to answer an email. And sometimes i have a baby gurgling in the background when i am on a client call. I sweat both scenarios equally. Not easy, but so worth it. Great post.
Beautiful and true! I am still wrestling with decisions and motherhood is certainly a life changer. I love it! Thank you for sharing, for voicing the thoughts and feelings that we all have.
This is one of the things I LOVE about blogging and writing in general. Reading something and knowing exactly what that person means. Relationships bind us together as humans and mothers and this is a perfect example of that. Thanks again!
So true. I just had Baby #2, and I am currently wrestling with a lot of the same feelings. Women who take care of their kids full time AND women who have a full-time office job all make sacrifices. It’s so difficult to determine which sacrifices are the right ones for you and your family.
This is such a relevant post for so many of us, especially as we’re all wearing so many hats!
Even little things really show the different mindset between men & women with this, at least with my husband (who I do consider to be a wonderful husband AND father.)
He will walk out of the house to work on the lawn for an hour or so without even thinking about it. When I want to do something without the kids, I make sure to talk to him, make sure it works with his schedule, etc.
Maybe this is presumptuous, but would you consider linking this up for the Just Be Enough link-up this week? I think it’s a post to which many of the JBE readers would relate, and the links ARE for a lovely cause.
Would love to Angela! Should I just link up the post?
Yes, just linking up is fine! If you wanted to add a note about being part of the link-up (or the badge) that would be great, too, but I think it’s very obvious that your post fits perfectly with the concept, so if you don’t feel like editing, just a link is perfect!
http://www.justbeenough.com/asking-for-help/
Well said, indeed! indeed!
Oh it really is. And until you’re in it, I mean really in it, with the squishy newborn in your arms, you just don’t understand. And your wish is my wish. I wish workplaces were more flexible. I wish daycare, insurance, college wasn’t so expensive. I wish that being a mom and being an employee weren’t SO VERY HARD to balance.
SIGH. Maybe someday.
Oh man! You hit the nail on the head about how our lives as mothers changes and fathers…not so much. I mean they do. They become fathers and they have this great love then never knew they had. But their day to day lives don’t change.
I used to go to and conduct meetings all the time. Last night I went to my first Preschool Board Meeting and I found myself getting nervous! I’ve been out of the loop for so long, have given myself over to motherhood for so long, that I was worried I wouldn’t know how to act, or how to contribute.
Motherhood has gobbled me up! I love it, I truly do. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life except that I wish I had more of me in it. I’m working on that. My first step is my blog, and I’m loving it!
Great post!
You are not alone. I don’t know if there really is a perfect balance. I just know what is most important and that is my family.
It is great to know so many others have the same types of thoughts that cross their minds. Many of us have trouble admitting this stuff to family and friends, or anyone in person. However, I find a lot of support in here.
You are most definitely not alone (as I’m sure you can tell by all of the other moms commenting here). I think it’s unfortunate that, although women have made a huge leap from where we used to be, there is still a stigma in our society that a mom will never do it the “right” way. If she stays at home, she’s lazy and doesn’t have ambition. If she works and pursues a career, she’s ignoring her children. We all struggle to find this balance. I’m still working on it….
What a great post! So very true. I think we all struggle with these decisions and how the whole world changes the moment you have that little baby. Very well said.
Hit the nail on the head with me. We struggle with so much. Part of that struggle is what we allow to get to us. I am fortunate I found the blogging world and fortunate to have support. I’ve never felt pressured to stay home or go back to work outside of my own inner thoughts which tormented me at times. I finally realized that what I am doing is what my family needs at this time and things fell perfectly in place to allow all of that to happen. Sure at times it is still hard, but all I have to do is express how I’m feeling about it all and get nothing but support in return.
Oh yes. Complete game changer that motherhood thing. If I could go back five years and have a conversation with myself about what my life would be like in five years? I’m sure my gut would have bust from the laughter.
Funny thing is, I like myself much more now than I did when I was 28 and kidless =)
So very true. A game changer in ways I never anticipated. I’m struggling with that this week, because I’m back to work after a period of leave and I don’t want to be here, which was never an issue for me before. Life needs more intermissions.
Such a great post Heather. This is so true, my life has changed completely and there are often times I wonder who I will be when I am not needed every moment by my children. The beauty of blogging has been to know that I am not alone. Great post.
I love your line “if only”. I think that every day I post or blog or connect to the brilliant woman across the online world. I felt so alone 7 years ago. My only solace is to know that I can share with those who are going through the same feelings I felt so many many moons ago.
Indeed these are the things no one does — or possibly can — prepare you for. These feelings all rush back to me thinking about my own venture into motherhood, but also when I see women with newborns. I wonder if they are struggling like I did. Like I do. Thanks for the great post.
Thank you for such a wonderful post – well written and emotionally felt. That is exactly how I felt during son one and two. I wish so much that there were more flexible career choices for women who love to work but don’t want to give up precious time with their family. It’s amazing what we can do when given an opportunity. I was fortunate enough to have a female boss who allowed me to do my job two days from home. She had children too and said one day, my job was to pass on the kindness. After she left, I got a male boss who took away my laptop and told me I was not allowed to work from home anymore, though I had done it successfully. I ended up leaving a great career. If only we all passed on the kindness, the world would be a better place!
and this is my constant struggle these days.my priorities have shifted in a way that has me pondering my life in a way i never have before. my son changed everything – in the best way. this post hit so close to home today. thank you.
Fantastic post! ..it is my struggle to. …a daily struggle I face about where my life is going. I don’t know. I always had a plan and the plan changed and in my plan the plan never changed. How do we move forward as an individual, woman, professional, spouse, while our mom heart strings are yanking at us so strongly. When there’s pressure to need to work for survival but knowing that working won’t make you more whole. I don’t know. I simply don’t know. At times it brings me to tears because of the strong unknown. Letting life direct my path brings angst and uneasiness but all the while I feel like I am missing my own life’s subtleties and precious moments with my daughter. I wished I wrote in my plan of life the “what ifs” because maybe I wouldn’t be struggling about where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing but enjoying time with my one and only child.
Oh, don’t I know the feeling! Sigh…
Hey Theta, haven’t been here in a while. Good to be back!
It was a game changer in ways I never knew were possible. I never regret a single change I made or turn we took.
Heather, it’s like you crawled into my brain and peered out into my soul. This is why I love you so. We share so many of the same philosophies and outlooks on motherhood.I wish I could have anticipated the sisterhood that I would crave through motherhood before I had children because I would have out that into place before giving birth:) XO Great post!
I read blogs of new moms and kind of envy them that they have blogs to read and find support in, just like you say. If only I had that back then, I many have been so much neurotic about all of the changes in my life.
Great, thought provoking post.
Let me try that sentence again. I may have been so much LESS neurotic about all of the changes in my life. Woops!
Having a child certainly IS a life changer, isn’t it?? While our husbands don’t have to carry any children, birth them or diet to fit into pre-preggo clothes…I think it would be silly of us, as women, to trivialize their role. Now do they not only have to provide for a wife, they now have to provide for a child as well – financially, emotionally and mentally. My husband was able to take off 5 weeks when both of our children were born and he was right there next to me – waking up and feeding them both, drying tears and making bottles. It has definitely a process for both of us. <3 you!!!
WM
I’ve had this same conversation with my husband a thousand times in the past three years. How he gets to go back to his pre-child life every time he walks out the door, without worrying about where they are or who is watching them because I am! I told him I often wish that I wanted to find a nanny or day care for them so I could do the same thing, but I don’t want that. Or it would be great if he would be home with them part-time and I’d be home with them the rest so we could each have that work time knowing they were with a parent. Alas, it won’t happen. I do think that fatherhood has been a game changer for him, too, but definitely not in the area of career! As more and more fathers take on the stay-at-home role, I think things may start to balance out, but not yet. And they will never have the not-fitting-into-my-clothes problem that we do!!
Sigh. How come none of THAT is in the pregnancy and baby books???
My thoughts exactly!!! This is why I love blogging! 😉
Ah, this post sure resonates with me! I still have those thoughts every single day, (except for the fitting into the clothes part, I got there eventually). 2.5 yrs after my youngest was born, I am still constantly trying to reinvent myself and define my role as a player in this new game. Everything is status quo for the hubs. While most times I feel I am faced with tougher choices, I still wouldn’t have it any other way. I love being the Mama!
I feel the same!!! So much more changes for us women, and it took many long conversations to get my husband and I on the same page. (Will we really ever get there?)
For example, we were both packing for a family beach day. I packed lunch, change of clothes for my daughters, towels, sand toys and restocked the diaper bag.
He packed a movie magazine for himself (did he really think he’d have a moment to read???) and the paddle ball game that we used to play pre-kids (really??? Who’s going to watch our 4 year old and 5 month old while we play???).
I still love him, but our ideas of reality have changed…a bit. Lol
Jen
Oh yeah. TOTAL game changer for me. I went from jet-setting career woman to sitting on my couch wondering what the hell had just happened. LOL.
So true. I tell my friends having first babies that they really have no idea how hard it will be, or how great it will be. Being a mom has changed my life in every possible way. From career woman to SAHM, from city living to rural living…so many many things and most of all my heart.
Oh, how nice it would have been to have this community back when I first had kids! To feel like I wasn’t so alone.
Heather you have hit the nail on the head. I started missing work while holding my baby in my arms and when I went back I thought I could make it all work but I couldn’t. My years of working 80 hours a week as an investment banker were finally paying off. I thought I could handle it all but it turned out I was too devoted to both my career and my child. I could not take my hours down to 40 and I worked my ass off throughout nights. Finally, I had to leave my job. My husband and I could not both travel. We didn’t want to be leaving our baby home at night with someone and I did not want to risk losing our breastfeeding. So, when Sophia was almost a year old, I quit. I never got to see how far I could go, and some days it still makes me sad.
I would have loved this community because I felt like I was an awful person for missing my job, missing the moolah, and missing my freedom.
Now, I have come to realize that I will succeed in making my own career and it will take more time than I ever thought. Because most of my time is spent with my kids. I will have to be patient and take things slowly, something I am not good at doing.
I am often still jealous of my husband and his seemingly unchanged life. But I do know that life changed for him too. He lost a part of us that we treasured. He lost time with me. We lost a lot of travel and a lot of sleep and a lot of cuddling alone in our bed. While he did get to keep his job, babies are a game changer for both man and woman.
I am so glad to have this community now and friends like you. I actually find it more difficult to make friends with other SAHM’s than I thought, because so many really wanted to be SAHMs and I actually want to work, badly. Sometimes I feel like a loner…and then I come online and know I am one of many.
Great post!
This is so perfectly true Heather!!
Even though I went back to work I struggle with paying daycare and with feelings of guilt.
It’s a hard balance.
When I was pregnant, I was “warned” of the sleep deprivation, the diaper blowouts, the Terrible 2’s, and so many other things surrounding parenthood. But no one ever told me about the guilt.
I feel guilty for being a working mom; For leaving her in the care of others for eight hours a day, five days a week; Every time she says or does something at home that makes me think, “Huh… she must’ve learned that at daycare.”; And especially for not wanting to spend every free moment with her in the evenings and on weekends to “make up for” all the time I miss with her during the week because, dear God, I also want some time for just me. I second-guess every maternal decision I make as a result.
At the same time, I feel guilty each time I wish desperately to be a SAHM. I feel like something is wrong with me for neither particularly wanting to work nor feeling fulfilled by my chosen career path. I feel lazy, even though I know SAHMs are anything but.
And then I dream about being a WAHM and feel guilt surrounding that. I feel selfish and entitled for wanting to pursue a more flexible freelance writing career that would allow me to work from home and be near my daughter, when I know that I’m extremely lucky to be exactly where I am in a perfectly good, stable position. I feel naive for thinking that a writing career would somehow be “easier” in the sense that it would at least fulfill me more than my current admin job.
Motherhood is so joyful and fulfilling to me, despite its trials and tribulations. I just wish I’d known about the guilt. The ubiquitous guilt.
Having a baby/Becoming a mother changes everything!!
Finding balance is difficult and the emotions run so so deep.
I love this post!
I know I’m so late to the party! I’ve had this saved in my email for days – finally catching up to read.
Motherhood does rock your world. And finding people who are open and honest with you makes all the difference. I love what you say here: “If only I knew back then that I was one of millions of women who felt the same exact way.” I’m so glad we all know that now, and just hope that someone is able to reach those women who are still feeling isolated…
I completely agree! The realization that one phase of your life ends while another begins sets in quick. Great post!
It’s amazing how fast mother’s guilt sets in, isn’t it? I’d heard of it but I never knew it would hit me like a truck about 10 minutes after giving birth. Now 3 years and 2 kids later, I’m an old pro! I feel guilty for loving my job because that must mean I don’t love my kids enough. I feel guilty for missing my kids while they’re at daycare because I’m obviously not concentrating enough on my work. I feel guilty for serving mac and cheese even though they love it and it’s accompanied by fruit and vegetables because it’s not as healthy as what my mom made for us kids.
I just read the book “I Don’t Know How She Does It!” and it was spot on. The movie is coming out soon and I can’t wait to see it. The book made me laugh out loud and had me sobbing. It was fantastic. There was one part where she realized that we are set up to fail as mothers in this day and age. If you look back at the generation before us, where gender lines were clearer with the man bringing home the bacon and the woman raising the children. So any father now who can actually change a diaper or make a meal is a saint while women who work are made to feel like we are less than the women in previous generations because we don’t spend as much time on household things, like cooking and cleaning and sewing.
That really made me think. Here’s what it boils down to for me. I love my kids and I’m a good mom even though I couldn’t darn a sock if I tried or decorate the coolest birthday cake. I’m a good employee even though that now that I’m a mother, I’m a bit more scattered and I do find myself daydreaming about my kids sometimes. I can sleep well at night and usually shut the mother’s guilt down by telling myself that I gave everything I had to my family and my job that day.