It all started when my son was about 18 months-old. He was playing with a Nerf ball with my husband in the family room. Within moments of playing with the ball my son’s face began to swell and he had hives along his mouth and cheeks. Especially as first time parents, my husband and I were stricken with sheer panic because we had no idea what was happening to our son.
We rushed him to the doctor and after a blood test confirmed it, we found out our son had a severe allergy to nuts – every kind of nut. While hearing this news we were still really confused with the diagnosis because our son never ingested a nut.
We retraced our steps from that day and realized my husband was eating peanuts prior to playing with my son and holding that ball. So the oil from the peanuts (perhaps found its way onto the front of his shirt) and the residue on his hands (from touching the peanuts and then touching the ball – and then the ball touching my son’s face) was all it took. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if my son actually ate a peanut that day.
We weren’t equipped with Benadryl.
We didn’t have an Epi-Pen.
We had no idea this whole food allergy world existed until it reached our home which is why I wanted to publish this post.
I know there are many families out there that don’t truly understand the size and scope of this allergy. We are not talking about the kind of allergy that shows up as an irritating runny nose or a cough that lingers for weeks and doesn’t seem to go away.
We are talking about the kind of allergy that is the difference between LIFE and DEATH.
I know we don’t live in a bubble and I can’t protect my child from every aspect of this environment. But I am in total control of our reaction to what happens in this space and it is my job as a mother to be an advocate for my child.
I didn’t tell you about the time I witnessed my own son’s lip and face blowing up because a friend’s dog licked him (we later found out the dog food that the dog ate that morning contained traces of nuts).
I didn’t tell you about the time we were in Disney World about to watch a show when a boy who happened to sit down next to my son whipped out some peanut butter crackers. This forced us to immediately get up and move our seats and as we were packing up our things THOSE parents mumbled under their breath that we “over-reacted.” Maybe we should have continued to sit next to them and then they could have watched in horror as our son went into ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK.
I actually have shared the time my son put his lips to a Blue Bunny Ice-Cream cone and the time he mysteriously broke out in hives at Rockefeller Center. But somehow, it’s still hard for me to come up with the right words to explain to those that don’t deal with this daily how serious this allergy truly is.
Yes, I was THAT mom on the second day of school calling the Principal and requesting another reminder that we are now a nut-free school. A nut-free school means that you don’t send your child in with a peanut butter sandwich.
I actually liked it better last year when the school was nut-friendly because everyone was extremely cognizant of children who suffer from this allergy. Teachers diligently made sure children washed their hands after every meal and my son sat with other “allergy kids” at a completely separate table. Since food containing nuts were being allowed in school, this actually gave me peace of mind that teachers, parents and administrators were on top of the situation at every waking moment because they had to be. However, now that we are a nut-free school there is a sense of complacency and it makes me worry because teachers and administrators are assuming that parents are following this nut-free rule but the peanut butter sandwiches keep rolling in.
I know I can’t expect every parent to be as diligent as we are since other parents are not obsessing over labels like we have to but I know damn well if it was YOUR kid, you would want ME to think twice before sending my kid in with a peanut butter sandwich.
So you think I obsess over food labels and I continue to be THAT mom?
You’re damn right I am.
If there’s anything you take away from this post, let it be this; please have a little more compassion, empathy and understanding for moms like me, moms who are just trying to ensure that their child is safe. If it was YOUR child, you would be doing the EXACT same thing.
So the next time you see me on the ball field, in your child’s classroom or in the parking lot at school, cut me some slack. I’m just doing the best I can as a mother to protect my child who suffers from a life threatening allergy – because it’s a matter of LIFE and DEATH. Period.
Heather, you SHOULD be that kind of mom. Good for you! We are a very allergic family. I have a life threatening allergy to scallops, not that people around me are eating scallop sandwiches, but I have been known to spit out (violently- with my husband yelling “spit it out, spit it out!!!) appetizers at weddings (happened 2x!). Here in California most schools and camps are nut-free. I have no tolerance for parents who grumble about it, saying all their kids will eat are pb sandwiches. It is a life and death issue and we all need to play our part and be THAT mom that protects all kids, not just our own. Thanks for posting!
Well darn, I had no idea this was that freaking serious. I am a first time Mom to a 9-month old and I can’t even fathom this fully but I am definitely more aware and understanding of food allergies.
Good for you for being THAT mom! Abbey tested allergic to peanuts, but it doesn’t seem to be that serious (we haven’t had cross-contamination issues or anything like that.) It is SCARY, though. My friend in my dorm had to be rushed to the emergency room twice because of things that should have been peanut/peanut oil free in our dorm that were not. The allergy is becoming so prevelant, and it is scary how lax schools can be about the issue (I used to be a teacher.) I know PB & J is an easy standby, but there are alternatives, such as sunflower seed butter, that don’t affect (most) allergenic kids
I’m THAT mom too. I completely understand. Good post!!
I would do the same damn thing as you.
I would protect my child and spread awareness. Great post!
Great post, my daughter has a food allergy but it is not life threatening, your take on peanut free vs. friendly was really interesting. Never thought about “friendly” have its advantages.
It is such a terrifying allergy. Any allergy, disease, injury… anything that could result in extreme danger – or death – for your child? Those things instantly earn you the right to be THAT mom.
I realize that life is unpredictable, and we can’t protect our kids from everything (nor should we), BUT when there’s something we can control, something from which we can protect them, it is our job to do so.
As a mom I have nothing but respect for parents who live with severe allergies. I’m sure it’s very scary!
Loved the post! My children do not have an allergy, but they have a rare metabolic disorder where they can’t break down proteins in food. If they ingest too much it will cause irreversible brain damage. So, I am freaked out about sending them to school with foods available.
Since no one has heard about PKU, many folks think I overreact to food being available. I hate birthday parties where I have seen people leave plates of pizza on the floor, or offer children food without asking. My kiddos can’t eat meat, dairy, grains, legumes or nuts. They have special food and medical drink we buy from the Children’s hospital (and will for life!) I am right there with you and being “that” kind of Mom. I love my children and have to be their protector until they are old enough to do it themselves.
Again, thanks for the share. It is another reason to be sensitive to different food needs, ask before offering anyone food, and try to find activities that don’t center around eating.
I guess I have not really truly understood just how dangerous this can be. My kids had a few mild allergies to a few things, and eating raw nuts makes one daughter’s mouth itch. Nothing life threatening. Scary. I can see why you would be THAT mom, I would be too!
Bernice
We don’t have any allergies but a lot of the kids’ friends do have them. One friend of my son has such severe fish allergies he can’t touch a table or surface where fish has been prepared even if it has been washed down. If he does he could die. Whenever we have a guest visit I make sure to ask if they have any allergies, especially peanut because those can be the most severe. Allergies are a funny thing, one day your kid doesn’t have any and the next day they can develop them. You can never be sure so if there are moms or dads or just regular people our there who give your crap for your diligence remember, it can hit them at any time.
And we’re considered SUCH a pain, aren’t we? Our kids don’t get as many playdates, we get ‘that look’ when we start to establish boundaries. I get so tired of the attitudes of other people but they wouldn’t if it their child’s face that blew up so that s/he looks like s/he’s gone fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson. And lost.
I have shown some parents pictures of my son’s face after an allergic reaction – his is to poison oak – it usually shocks them. I don’t have trouble with them after that.
Bravo to you! You have to be that diligent. I personally believe that is the responsibility of the school and the other parents to keep your child safe. Especially if your child attends a nut free school. My son attends one and he LOVES peanut butter and jelly – and won’t eat anything else in a packed lunch. So, we have made the decision to let him buy his lunch it is better than the daily argument. I will let him eat pb&j for breakfast but you can rest assured he gets a thorough hand washing and teethbrushing before getting on the bus. I would hate my son’s breakfast to affect someone’s life.
I pray your little one continues to be safe.
Great reminder for educators (myself included) about the severity of allergies, and the importance of enforcing the rules. We must be diligent and never let our guard down when students are away from their parents and in our care. Thanks for the great post – I will forward it to our teachers.
I could go on for days about this. I agree with you 100% you have to be THAT mom, because you ARE. I think the thing that irks me the most (really wanted to use other words there..) about those parents that “complain” about inconveniencing them or their children don’t have the first clue what they are talking about. It’s like we have a choice. They compare it to someone who is vegetarian. We didn’t choose this for our children, we don’t have a choice. My response to them is what would you do if you found out I fed poison to your child? What’s that? Sue me? Kill me? Yeah…well, that’s how I feel about you and your stupid sandwhich! Like I said…I could talk for days. On the flip side, there is something to the increase in this epidemic and it drives me crazy that we somehow caused his allergy since no one in our families has it and how many people did you know have it when we were little and now it seems everbody knows somebody. But, that’s a story for another day. I’ve got a few posts about it on my blog too. Great post!
I couldn’t agree with you more. I would go to any lengths to protect my girls from anything that I know ahead of time that would harm them. Overreacting? Not at all. Good for you and anyone that doesn’t understand that is not worth one second of your time. Really.
Sadie at heyMamas
Heck yea!!! You should never have to apologize for protecting your child in a life or death situation. You need to be his advocate. You need to be his voice. And you are doing just that.
Great post. My son inherited my allergy to citrus. It’s not life threatening- as far as we know. It started out mild with just oranges. We soon found as he got older that it now includes majority of citrus & interestingly enough- lima beans. Now- I know he’s lucky for that one- but after several attempts with them we realized he had the same allergic reaction as the other citrus foods. Go figure.
But this allergy is one reason we chose to homeschool. Before he was school age we had already experienced trying to watch each juice box that was passed out as an after game snack on the soccer field and eating out anywhere but home. It became too hard to try to alter the behavior of each person we came in contact with. I would never dream of making hundreds of families alter their behaviors or eating habits around my one kid. It’s too hard & far too much added stress on me. They are each focused on their own kids. It’s my job to watch what my son eats & what he is exposed to. No one else cares the way a parent does. Not even the grandparents- as I found out when we had this last Thanksgiving meal & the turkey and many other fixings were prepared with oranges & lemons. Interestingly my son had a peanut butter sandwich instead. We made our traditional meal when we came home so that the kids could have what they missed out on.
What I have found is that it is much easier to just remove the threat as much as possible- instead of hoping others remember that my child is allergic to something. It keeps me sane- I worry far less of something getting through the cracks and finding out the hard way that the allergy has progressed for the worse. I know that this isn’t possible for some- but it has really helped from letting it take over our lives.
I wanted to cry reading this post. I had no idea. If I had been that family, I would have taken away the crackers from my child as soon as I understood why you were leaving (even if I didn’t fully understand).
I think that you HAVE to be THAT mom. What other choice do you have? Screw anyone who looks down on you for it or thinks you are overreacting. That is your child, and protecting your child is innate.
My son doesn’t have an allergy, but I will NEVER send him to school with a peanut butter sandwich. I will admit I am up shit creek though because he doesn’t eat too much else…been sending jelly sandwiches!
Good for you Heather. I can only imagine that feeling and the fear. Knowing that it is ulitmately up to you to protect your son. Thank you for posting this.
I’m glad schools are nut free these days, honestly, it’s the least we can do. I hope more and more parents become aware and start looking out for each other’s children. You are absolutely right…any mother would be doing the same thing for their own child. No one should judge especially if they have not walked in your shoes.
I cannot imagine living with such a dire allergy in our house- we deal with allergies, but not on this level.
I have a girlfriend who has a child with the same allergy to peanuts…can’t even smell it; I always washed down every single surface in my house when they would come for playdates- I wanted them to feel comfortable and safe in our home as they did in theirs. I always checked with her first when it came to what snacks to have on hand…
And sorry to say, in this day and age, you do have to be THAT PARENT to ensure the safety of your child…I’m sorry you deal with parents that brush off the seriousness of this.
SO scary. We are having our daughter tested for tree nut allergies in the next couple of weeks. She kept breaking out in hives after eating blueberry bread from Trader Joe’s a few days in a row…turns out the bread is made with almond meal. I get completely insane at parties…chasing her down before she eats to double check with the moms. And people will respond “it doesn’t have peanuts”, which then opens up the discussion of tree nuts vs peanuts…ugh. It’s really scary. I hear you!
I remember the post about Rockefeller Center last year. As I started reading your post I thought about that and then there was your link!
Some people don’t realize how serious it is. I remember a friend telling me a story about a kid dying from kissing a girl who had eaten peanut butter and I laughed her off (ok, so she was known for telling tall tales). But then I saw it with my own eyes while babysitting. A kid who came over to play, with his mom AND her epi pen, thank goodness, blew up and stopped breathing because we had eaten Chinese food hours earlier. The peanut oil must have been on our hands and someone touched him and it was terrible.
You HAVE to be that mom- what choice do you have? Such a scary position to be in.
Your post shocked me a little, because when I lived in the US you never really heard about food allergies and in Italy, where I live now, even less so. So it’s shocking and scary to hear that children’s lives can be threatened by something so simple as food. It also makes me wonder why you hear so much about nut allergies in the US and not at all (or very little) in Europe. I’m off to go research! So thanks for an interesting post, and honestly fudge all those people that judge through their ignorance, your job is to keep your kid safe (and alive…) with whatever means you have at your disposal, so really, being considered THAT mom is actually a compliment,, it means you’re doing your job well. Good luck!
I do understand where you are coming from, I am quite certain that I would be the same way if my child was allergic to peanuts or anything else that could cause him and myself so much distress.
But I have a question… what about those kids who only like peanut butter sandwiches? What if that is the only thing they will eat? What are those parents suppose to do?
I do not want to cause any child harm but I am just curious about the other kids and what they are suppose to do?
I normally wouldn’t say anything like this, I am stepping way out of my comfort zone here but I wanted to give my little opinion and ask what your thoughts would be on ways to help those of us whose kids don’t have this allergy be able to respect this allergy and the kids that live with it.
I appreciate the comment Niki and the chance to respond.
As I mentioned, I actually liked it better when we were nut friendly and in this instance, pb&j could be allowed in school and the reason I liked it better was because everyone was on top of their A game, ensuring my son was completely seperate from the kids with the pb. Now that were are nut-free, there is a real sense of complacency and not all parents are sticking to the peanut free rule (which is my biggest gripe) but there are other options. Soups, pasta, chicken fingers, bologna, those would work, no?
Niki –
As a teacher of young students who have some severe food allergies, I have learned a lot this year about what struggles many families have to deal with on a daily basis to keep their children safe and healthy.
When we made our classroom allergen free, we heard the same concerns from other parents in the class about how we were limiting their child’s diet (for daily snack and lunch once per week, eaten in the classroom). In doing my own research, I found that there are several peanut butter and butter alternatives available today that the children are totally fine with, even if the parents are not. I’ve tried them and they are close enough to peanut butter in texture and taste to do for one meal a week. It’s a small “inconvenience” (not my words) in exchange for keeping our children safe and for peace of mind for the teachers entrusted in caring for them.
I have never heard you so full of fire! And I LOVE it!
This is a great post – my nephew has anaphalxis to nuts as well and people often don’t understand what that really means. And you’re right, its so important that you as a parent is on top of things. Every year my sil has to go to the school and demand that they train the noon hour teachers how to use epi-pens immediatley…apparently the school administration thinks teaching them sometime in November will be sufficient… kudos momma – keep up the good work!
Amber
Oh my goodness…this post so reminds me of my current situation with my 15 month old son. In November, on my birthday, we were at a restaurant and they brought be a birthday sundae. I didn’t see any nuts on it at the time, but I have my son a bite and he quickly broke out in hives on his face and we were all in shock over it. My husband, who is an EMT new exactly what it was and we rushed out to get Benadryl. THEN another time recently we went to a big family gathering and their dog got into the house and ran up to my son and licked him on the face, then he broke out in hives right away again. We were surprised because my son has been around several dogs before and has never had a reaction like that. So the thing about nuts being in the dog food makes perfect sense now! Glad to know that someone can relate.
Heather, I’m glad you relinked this post b/c I got to see it. I don’t know if you know my eldest has severe nut allergy. We’ve been to the ER twice. We don’t have a nut-free school (because! parents would complain! their kids ONLY eat peanut butter!) but Sawyer sits at a peanut-free table at lunch and his class is allegedly supposed to be peanut-free. When they have class parties the room mom is really great about asking what is safe for him so he’s not left out.
I am totally THAT mom and I’m proud of it. I am lucky my friends are extremely conscientious when we meet up, or when we go to their homes, to make it safe for him.
But the worry NEVER goes away. That something so seemingly innocuous as a bite of something could kill him.
It’s reality.
And anyone who says I am “overreacting” is sadly ignorant.
Hugs to you, mama! You’re not alone!
It is even harder when your child is allergic to something like milk, egg or wheat which is in everything. Oh, I’m convinced there’s a dart board somewhere with my face on it at my child’s school. There’s a quote from Dr. Wood that goes something like “if you’re not THAT mom, you’re not doing your job.” Food just needs to be eliminated from class celebrations for the health and safety of all. 25 % of all reactions happen for the first time at school. Most schools DO NOT have epi pens for those students and rely on 911. Anaphylaxis can kill in minutes.
Please, please, please know that just because your child has not suffered anaphylaxis that his/her allergy is “mild.” Many fatalities have occurred because of this perception. It’s only mild, until unfortunately it’s not. My child has been allergic since 2 months of age, but didn’t become contact or inhalation sensitive or anaphylax until age 6. It can happen any time.