After a year long maternity leave when my son was born I went back to work full-time. In addition to many other challenges I faced, the brutal commute with a baby at that time made my life extremely hard. I knew I had to find another way to think out of the box beyond the typical “daytime” career and use my skills and knowledge to work from home. After a second pregnancy and another long maternity leave {in the midst of creating another career for myself from home}, I officially resigned.
I soon was asked THAT question over and over, “So, when are you going back to work?” Honestly, it’s like the never ending conversation.
Directly after giving birth to baby #1, it was inevitable. I had to go back to that full-time position with a brutal commute because financially, we had no other choice. Sometimes (whether we like it or not) we have to do what we have to do. But here’s the thing…
We are well educated women. We spent a ton of money to get into great schools and we are still paying off student loan debt.
We are hard working women, beginning steadfast careers in our fields prior to having babies.
We are incredibly strong women, making sacrifices and choices that are right for us because when it comes to motherhood as I’ve said before, it’s NOT one size fits all – it’s the size that fits YOU and your family.
Along with these difficult career and family choices that we made, we somehow still get bombarded with that question. I have resigned almost two years ago and I still get asked, “When are you going back?”
Back?
Back to what?
To a job that no longer “fit” me and my family?
A job that also came with a three hour round trip commute?
No, I am not going back.
And then the next question rolls in, “Well, are you ever going to go back?”
Quite frankly, I am always taken back by this question because it makes me feel as though I am not doing enough. Even though I contribute financially to the running of this household and put food on the table, this question makes me feel as though it’s not enough because I didn’t return to the traditional workforce. I am “working from home” and so therefore it is perceived that I don’t have a “real” job.
So to those that continue to ask me that question, my response is always the same. I am doing a pretty damn good job of earning a paycheck and raising my kids at the same time.
It’s on my terms.
I made this situation work.
I worked hard to figure this thing out and I balance this whole WAHM thing daily. It’s a decision I made and I am grateful for.
As I wrote in this post EVERY mom is a hard working mom. I think some people forget that there are women who choose to become a SAHM because THAT is what brings them pure joy and those that choose to work out of the home do so because it’s where they are most happy. I don’t pass judgment on any other mom because I don’t know what ultimately makes them happy, I don’t know their financial situation, nor do I know the needs and wants of their family.
But, what I do know is that if a mother makes a conscious decision to leave corporate America or that job they fought so hard to obtain, then there are some real concrete reasons involved in making that decision and whatever they are doing now, they ARE doing enough. Just because they “are not going back” doesn’t make them any less of a woman or mother.
Yes, I resigned from my position almost two years ago and as of right now, I have no intention of returning.
And what I am doing right now is enough – just ask one of my kids.
As a mother of one child, and with the prospect of a second recently becoming more unlikely (not by choice) I often feel pressure from society as a whole to be back at work. Most people assume I will go back to work once my daughter starts school. To be honest, although we struggle financially, this is not the picture I have in my head for our future. I want to be home when my child gets back from school, welcoming her friends to play in our home, something I did not have in my own childhood. Needless to say, when I am asked this never ending question, which I also am asked way too often, I am vague in my response as I truthfully have no clue!
Wouldn’t it be nice if the questions where: how are you? Are you happy? Are you enjoying your new life? Rather than all the judgements masked as “life” questions…
You are blessed to be able to do what a lot of us stay at home moms wish we could, stay home and contribute financially to the family. What a blessing.
I think it is time for people to stop assuming that working at home is not a real job, and that staying at home (raising children!) is not a real job. They are all valid choices, as is returning to the traditional work place.
Moms…stop judging each other!
Women….stop judging each other!
And that goes for men too!
Let’s all learn to support each other as we raise our families and make our way through life doing the best we can.
Tracie- You are right it IS such a blessing and as hard as it may be to juggle it all, it’s kind of like – what mom doesn’t juggle, right? I will never take t for granted but the fact that so many don’t see what I am doing as a “real” job is frustrating. It’s not one size fits all and we need to support each other, just like we are doing in this forum. Thanks for your comment!!
I couldn’t agree more! I get so tired of moms criticizing each other. I wish that more moms could understand that we don’t fit a cookie cutter pattern- each family and each situation is unique. I’ve been a SAHM mom hearing, “Oh, you don’t work?” I’m now a working mom and I’ve heard, “Oh, you don’t stay home?” When I started back to school it became “When are you ever home?” Moms need to learn to support each other no matter what their situation is.
Excellent point Amanda – it makes us feel as though whichever road we take it’s *still* not enough and we need to begin a different kind of rhetoric that says, it *is* enough!
Well said! This questiom becomes very popular when one’s youngest is in kindergarten.
Mommy is still trying to find a balance that fits us as a family; she feels very lucky to be able to stay home, but we’re struggling a bit. She’s trying to find a work at home option that works for US
What’s funny is we all have a never ending question. I was just talking with a newlywed friend of mine, and she says people were always asking her when she was going to get married. She thought people would leave her alone once she did; nope, now people are asking her when she is going to have a baby. I talked about this phenomenon with other friends who have children, and they said once you have a baby everyone wants to know when you are going to have another one.
DH and I aren’t able to have kids, and I got so sick of the question that I finally in recent years have been saying “we can’t,” which shuts them up in a hurry!
When I was first out of college and married to my first husband, everyone I met would ask if I worked. I thought that strange, since everyone knew I just graduated from college. I would reply yes, then they would ask if it was full time. I would say yes, and then they would say something like “oh, well, that’s nice to keep you busy until the kids start to come along.”
Um, excuse me? I guess my point is that there is always a question, and women are always being forced into roles and ideals. We just have to do what’s best for ourselves and our families (even if the family is just a DH and a few dogs).
I love that you raised that point Wendy that the questions posed to us are broader than just the working related question – they really are “life” questions and there just doesn’t seem like an end to them!
I hear you. My kids are older. Next year both will be in “full-time” school. Everyone keeps asking me when I’ll be working full time again. I keep getting told I’ll be bored. Really? Right now I’m barely keeping my head above water with my freelance writing, volunteering in two different schools, running (for me), running with others, working on my coaching certification… Do you see any mention of the 5,000 things I do to keep the household going? Or the time I spend with my kids? I can fill a 48 hour day right now, so I figure next year I’ll manage to only fill a 36 hour day.
But, apparently because I no longer work a 40 hour job out of the home and no longer specifically use my masters, I’ll be bored next year. Um, ok.
You know what’s funny? I did “go back” right away. I took the minimum six weeks, and actually worked from home some while I was technically off. And I get questions and comments about “letting someone else raise my kids”, “wouldn’t you rather be home”, “are you really coming back after baby #2” etc.
Regardless of my reasons for working, my point is sometimes you just can’t win. Someone always thinks their way is better or is surprised by the decisions you make. What’s important is that a woman is doing what’s right for her family. Not what or where or how or why she does it.
…& people should learn to zip it!
Krista,
That is a great point and some others have also shared that perspective, that mothers who choose to work get the other side of the question…at the end of the day, this thing is NOT one size fits all and the closer we all get to supporting each other in that respect, I think the closer we are to changing these “old” ideals.
Yup. I am literally going throug this right now. Three monhs ago I left a high paying corporate job that just was not at all conducive to having a family and was making me miserable. I think in a year or two I will return to working outside of the home. However, I will definitely be seeking a less demanding role that is much lower on the corporate ladder.
Believe me, I know I’m very lucky to have these choices/options.
I wrote about this transition in this post: On Hiatus
http://www.lifeofsaucyb.com/2010/09/on-hiatus.html
Amen and AMEN! I, like you, chose to leave Corporate America close to two years ago. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made. And I wrestled with it for a long time. Once it was made, however, I never looked back. And I don’t intend to “go back,” at least not ever at the level I was before. Even when my daughter starts school, I want to be there when she gets home, and provide the foundation I had growing up. People are already asking me what I am going to do when that day comes, and it annoys me to no end. People should focus on their own families and not concern themselves with what other people are doing.
This hits a nerve with me! An old friend recently asked me if I was returning to work because my kids are both in school now. She also told a friend of mine that it was time for me to go back to work. She doesn’t realize that me working outside of the house won’t work for our situation right now.
I choose to be a SAHM and that is work. I already have my days where I don’t feel I do as good of a job as I could. People asking this really does make one feel inadequate.
Great post. It’s funny because no matter what you do, you get judgment. I get judged because I work outside the home and say that it’s what is best for me and my family. Those that SAH and that is all they know can’t believe that working outside the home is best for my children, but I know it is. So I keep my head held high and drop my kids off at school and daycare and go to work each day…just doing the best that I can.
I would love to be in your position! I work and I don’t like it. I hate leaving the baby at daycare. I hate that I can’t volunteer more at my kids schools. I hate that I don’t have the time to get things done at home that need to be done. I hate rushing after work to get errands done or doctor appointments.
I stayed home 2 days this week with a sick kid and worked from home. It wasn’t easy, but it was a hell of a lot better than being in the office. I truly wish that it was something I could do on a regular basis.
As a mom who works out of the home I try to do the best I can. But there’s always part of me that thinks I can do better.
Jackie,
I wrote a post about how every mom is a working mom which I actually linked within this post, and although I feel very blessed to be doing what I’m doing (since I did the whole day-care, commute, full-time thing as you are doing now and part of why I had to leave was because my infant son was ill all of the time) believe me, this gig too has its struggles. It is a juggling act of finding time to work AND be a mom without a sitter, nanny or other help. I am up early in the morning and late at night to get it all done and there are times I feel isolated and alone because I am home all of the time without a break – I guess my point is that the grass isn’t always greener, but for me, this works. You will find what works for you best, so if you are miserable at what your situation is now, I’m sure you’ll find that space that seems to work best. I think none of us have it easy because we have the word MOM in our resume – because every mom is a working mom.
Can we put MOM on our resume? Because that’d be awesome! Or should we break it down into the actual jobs such as cook, maid, chauffeur, psychologist, doctor, etc?
Now THAT would be awesome!!!
It is a lifestyle choice, isn’t it?
We worked it out with me working PT,but waited till the kids were old enough to be alone.
We did without a lot, and it was stressful, but we did, what we felt was right for us.
We’re all different, and there are no easy choices.
Girl!!! I get that crap all the time too!! And even now that I’m getting a paycheck for my other blogging gig, people still ask when I am getting a “real” job. My answer? I’m pretty content doing the fake job, so I won’t be getting a real one anytime soon. 😉
And since when is being a mom not a real job?? Sure, the pay isn’t exactly monetary, but the moments with my son and hugs and kisses from him are priceless to me!
I get asked this all of the time.
And have been told that I’m wasting my degree.
But, I feel that what I am supposed to do is to be at home with my kids. Now, notice I said that *I* feel this way for *me.* Not all moms, just for me. My days are full and I have to be available to advocate for my kids- especially my middle son(trying very hard to write a post about this, but having a hard time w/o crying). Would I make it work if I had to work? Of course, but in my heart, I feel like I’m doing the right thing for MY family.
Can you tell I want it to be clear this is what I think is necessary for mine but not for anyone else’s? LOL I’m a firm believer in everyone doing what works for their families.
But, b/c it’s usually hard for anyone to understand my view, I usually just fall back on something that is true, but not the only reason why I haven’t returned to work. I say that with the small amount they pay teachers here, and me having to put 3 kids in daycare if I go back to teaching, that I would be paying to work. That usually shuts people up…until they ask if I’m going back once the baby is in school. *SIGH*
Amen and AMEN!!
Well said! I always admire those women who are able to work from home. I think that would be MUCH harder {for me} than working at a traditional office. Separating work and real life is hard enough without having it staring at you all day. I say BRAVO to you for making your life work for YOU!
Your post really hit home with me. In May of this year I left a challenging, stressful job in New York City. I also had a 3-hour round-trip commute…and was gone from 7am to 7pm. I really wanted and needed to be home more for my kids. So now I’m somewhere between SAHM and WAHM since I’m freelancing a bit. It was the best decision I could make for me and my family. But if I had a dime for every time someone asked, “when are you going back?” and “what do you do all day?” I would be rich. I am getting so annoyed with people asking these questions! I need to work on a really witty and effective comeback!
When you figure out a good comeback, let us know!! 😉
As a mom of two battling with some depression largely stemming from the fact that I still have to work, I really appreciated reading this post.
I am striving to build things up so that I can quit the proverbial 9-5 and when I do, I can guarantee that I will not be returning to it EVER! I want to be that PTA participant, classroom mom, cheerleader, chauffeur, playdate captain and all around positive roll model for my kids. I know that I will be able to contribute to our family financially and that the amount I am able to bring in will fluctuate as my children grow and their requirements change.
Heather, how are you doing today? What fun things are you and your kids doing this month? (Now, aren’t those the questions we all want???)
Have a great week, and as always, love reading your blog!
Jaime,
I think the dialogue like you suggested should replace the age old, “When are you returning to work?” with encouragement and support of the fact that we somehow ARE somehow making this whole motherhood thing work – however that is defined for each one of us. In some little way, I hope to be doing THAT through this blog – beginning the kind of rhetoric that would start to change the previous ideals we have grow up to think that we have to “fit” into…
Amen, sister! Because we all know when mom is happy, everyone is happy!
I used to get asked that all the time. I have a master’s degree and so people thought it very strange that I did not return to my job where I worked 10-12 hour days all the time and more than that one week a month. Some people have been asking that again, now that my youngest is in kindergarten. Sometimes I think people just like to make conversation, although sometimes I think they are being a bit jerky.
It’s so funny, isn’t it? The moms that work outside the home get the guilt trips for not staying at home, the moms who stay working at home (whether with a job at home or raising the family- both are work) get asked when they are going “back”. I love your response of “back to what?” My education is in the legal field, but I have been lucky enough to find work based out of my home in recent weeks. It is the absolute best thing that has happened, as I get the opportunity to do some work while being here with my babies. And they? matter more than any job I could ever go “back” to. Even before I was given an amazing opportunity, being home with my kids was still my priority. We work hard as a family to make this feasible. Each family has to make their own choices and decisions based on what works for them.
Also, isn’t it funny that the question is about “going back”. Who wants to go backwards in life?
I am in a different place, as my babies are all about grown. I, however, went on medical leave in Ju ly due to a mental meltdown. I had a very stressful job, working 80+ hours a week. It has now been over 90 days, and I am starting to get those calls from coworkers and the insurance company, “so, when are you going back to work?”
What if I don’t feel I can go back? What if I don’t think it is the best decision for me? What if I am afraid I’ll end up in the same boat again, especially at this company?
I think, all in all, we just have to do what is best for us, our husbands, our families. We cannot let corporate America or peers place their expectations on us. After all, it is OUR life, not theirs!
My medical leave has taken me on a journey, you can read about it on my blog!
Bernice
I went back to work (teaching) after my daughter was born, and I am now a SAHM (since my son was born). People ask me all the time when I’m “going back”. I don’t think I’ll ever “go back” in the way that they mean, although at some point (in the distant future) I think I’ll do something else.
However, I’m so sick of that question. I think I will start saying, “I AM at work. I’m just wondering when someone will start paying me!”
I needed to read this today thank you! I constantly get asked this. I am a sahm and love it and we make it work because it works for our family. Do we struggle with money (or lack of) because of it – yes. But I would not change it for the world!
Ah, I think is just one that no woman can ever win with everyone. I am currently a SAHM and love that for me AND my daughter right now. Some people want to know if I’m going back to work and when. But, I am also trying to go back to school and then work again later and there are judgers on that side of the fence too. I’m doing what?! Want to do what? Don’t I love and want to be home with my daughter? Of course I do! But, there is life too. There are financial comittments and wants. There is a desire for things outside your home too. There is a want, a need even, to show your daughter that a mother can do it all and some day she will be able to too. It’s like you said. Each of us does what she has to do. We do what’s right for us and our families. It is unfair to judge anyone, especially before knowing the full story. We are all good Moms (well most of us
And if we weren’t, well, our kids just wouldn’t love us so darn much would they?!
It would be so nice if we women could be supported, regardless of what we do. The US is very behind other developed nations in terms of support mothers get where in places like Canada women get an entire year maternity leave and in Denmark three years! In France, the government even subsidizes childcare. Isn’t that how it should be? Then maybe it wouldn’t be such a tough decision for women and it would be easier to find that ever ellusive “balance.” During ww2 the US gov’t had all sorts of programs to support mothers who worked (including one program that did grocery shopping for you!), but when the war ended the men came home and wanted their jobs back and that was the end of it. I think it’s appalling that so many women only get 6 weeks maternity leave here. At 6 weeks you’ve barely figured anything out! Thanks for another thoughtful post.
This is something I still struggle with (and I’ve been out of the job market for over 5 years). I don’t think I am going back in the near term. I don’t think I’d find a part-time job that would accommodate my hours. This year, I’m going through special training on parenting my daughter who is on the autism spectrum. That and my volunteer involvement at my daughter’s school takes up a surprising amount of time.
I do look forward to returning to the job market in an other year or two, but I cannot even imagine what I’d do next. My former career was as a Congressional Investigator. I traveled the country–sometimes the world–to gather information for Congress. It’s really not a job I want to go back to at this stage of my life.
I’m hoping I’ll find something I can do on my own. I have the luxury of not having to make a lot of money, so I’m hoping I’ll find something to do that I’m passionate about!
Excellent topic and post!
My youngest started kindergarten this year, and I really struggled with my identity. I felt as if I were losing the “right” to be a SAHM.
The truth is, more money would be nice, but we are financially stable on my husband’s income. I would love to find legitimate WAHM employment (so if you have any advice…).
You are absolutely right that each family is different and has different needs. It’s wonderful that you found a solution that works for your family. What matters is that you and your kids are happy!
Well, the only person asking me that right now is my husband, lol. I’m pregnant with my third baby and have been home since my first was born almost four years ago. I think everyone else probably assumes I’ll go back when my youngest is in school. But I don’t know yet. I’d like to be there when my kids get home from school. And I don’t want to be rushed and stresssed trying to get them to their activities. So maybe I will and maybe I won’t go back. I’m not going to make my decision now
I fa been on both ends of the spectrum. i have worked while my kds were in daycare and i did not like that so much. So now im a sahm. Luckily i contribute to the household bills and food needs so it helps to have an income even if you do stay at home. I think that women who can not stay at home resent the ones that do simple becuase they dont have that option. Balancing the house and the kids while working at home is a very hard task and i commend any one who works at home , or any one who works outside of the home. Staying at home for me was more of a medical reason that an need to be at home for my kids. and it still continues to be a medical reason but without the medical reasoning behind it i think i would still choose to be at home.
My baby just went off to first grade this year. Guess how many times a day I get asked that question?
In fact I just ran into someone yesterday who asked me where I was working. When I said, I’m not, she just looked at me and shook her head.
Thank you Thank you Thank you for writing this! I actually have a post sitting in my pending folder about this same issue…I have been hesitate to hit publish but I think I might just do it now. Why do Mothers always have to be judged? No matter what we do we are always being questioned. I left my job two years ago {well I was laid off} and you know what it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have to say being home is definitely hard work but so worth it. I was fortunate to have finally landed a job working from home and I am really looking forward to this….doing something I love, contributing to the family finances and being home with my boys. It works for me!
Damned if you do damned if you don’t huh? I am so sick of all the judgement and wish that we could all just be supportive. You are doing what you need to do and wy do other people care so much whether you would go back to job with a 3 hour commute! You rock mama! Keep on keeping on and et those who can’t understand or who need to judge roll off when possible. There are so many people who love and totally understand you.
well, you know how i feel about this. and you’ve been in both scenarios so i know you see both sides of the story. but at the end you say, “just ask one of my kids” … do you think a working mom should be home more?? do you think the mom is the “shaper” in her kids’ lives? just curious. I wish i could be home more, only b/c my heart is exploding of love for my babes, but i know this is what my family needs right now.
i think every mom always looks at the “grass is always greener” but it’s not. moms who are home, long to have adult interaction. moms who work long to have more time at home. but in the end, when i’m home w/ my kids, i make the most of every minute!! and I know they love me!
No Julia, I meant that YOU could end this kind of “working mom” post the same way – ‘just ask one of my kids’ – because I’m sure if we talked to your kids, they would say they are happy because YOUR situation works for YOU. So even though I added this here, it’s NOT one size fits all and every mom knows what’s best for them – just ask their kids. 😉
it was late and my brain didn’t quite catch that transition. totally makes sense now!! my kids would say they love me and our life!!!
I’m applauding you over here. I love your posts about being a working mom, SAHM, WAHM. They are so honest and truthful. We all need to just chill and be happy for each other’s decisions. End of story.
I don’t think I will go back being the same kind of teacher I was before my son was born. Being a mom and staying home has taught me lessons I never would have learned in a different situation. It will make me better at being a teacher. It will also change my priorities. I think this will be be good thing. Staying home with JDaniel for the early years was the right choice for me.
I love that you wrote about this. As a family, we have made the decision that it’s best for me to be home right now. My husband works crazy hours and it’s important for someone to be here for our daughter, I think. And being home has allowed me to realize that I don’t really know what I want to be when I “grow up” – or whether I want to go back to the job I used to have. This time “off” (from the traditional working sense) has allowed me to reevaluate my professional goals and think about what I want from my life. And I feel very privileged to have that opportunity. And I think, like so many more of your readers, other people need to learn to mind their own, ahem, beeswax.
I’m trying to make some money from home. Since I wasn’t able to finish college due to the car accident which left me disabled I don’t have the last bit of education needed for Graphic Design companies to hirer me. So I’d need to get a job that wouldn’t make it worth putting Sam into a daycare because the money I made would just go to that so it’d be pointless 😛
I just wish moms would be more supportive of one another instead of belittling each other. Some moms make better moms by working outside of the home, while others do great being in the home. For me, working from home is pretty much perfect. There are days that I question my choice, but don’t we do that about everything?
Supporting each other is what I will take from this post. Thank you!
It’s another way to categorize us. If you’re a SAHM and enjoy it, then people assume that you’re pro-homeschool and wear fuzzy kitten sweatshirts and grow herbs. If you’re a working mom, then people think you must not “like” children and shove them off on daycares. And yes, WAHMs are often sneered at–“What REAL job can she do at home with two kids? Oh, please!”–which is awful, because working at home is a lot harder than going to the office. (I mean, toddlers aren’t allowed to scream in your face there.)
So the whole “When are you going back to work?” question is a half-assed way of asking how fanatic we are about SAHMdom.
That was the best comment. Ever.
Thanks! 😉
I have never understood why moms can be so judgmental of each other. There is no right answer for everyone at every time. Most moms are making the best choices that they can for their families. Why can’t we just respect each others decisions and differences?
I honestly think working at home would be the most difficult! Splitting your attention, the financial stress, not being able to count on when you can work, all the while not getting a break from the kids!
http://www.pampersandpinot.com
Very well put! I constantly get asked when I’m going to return to work. Why does it matter? It’s my life and I’m making it work!
Amen, sister! Please – let’s just all look after ourselves and our families and quit worrying about how other moms are doing motherhood. You’re so right. We have to make wise decisions about what will fit our family. A little grace here, I’d say.
More power to you!
Good for you!! I promise you will never regret it!!
I also believe as you do that everyone has to decide for themselves what is best for them.
We women have to stick together no matter what our choices!!
I applaud you, for finding a way to make all your dreams come true, and not just the dreams society tells you are acceptable. I’ve only been back to work for 6 months and I am constantly telling people, if I didn’t love my job, I’m not sure if I could have come back…I SEE why people don’t…and who knows in the future, that love of job just may not be enough. A great, thought-provoking post. amber
SING IT SISTER!!!!! Why the hell are people so concerned with whether or not a mother works. Everyone does what works for THEIR family. I have 2 kinds of friends- the ones that don’t work, like me, and get it and the friends that work with kids and constantly ask me when I am going to go back to work. Personally I don’t think it is anyone’s damn business!!!!!!!
PS- I heart you.
I admire you for doing what you did. That cannot have been easy. I know. It’s hard to think outside the box but you did and you and your family are the better for it.
I’ve been asked the same question over and over since having my first child. I actually am now (5 years later) “going back” part time. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I sure hope it works out for us. If not, I’m not afraid to make the necessary changes.
Mothers everywhere never cease to amaze me. You are one of those Mothers. Thanks for the inspiration.