That should be the mantra which reminds us of the most challenging yet satisfying job we perform every single day.
Once I gave birth to my son I went back to work full-time. I was a complete work-out-of-the-home-mom with a great career. As I dropped my son off at day-care, my days were suddenly filled with feelings of abandonment and worry. I had a brutal commute and left my house (with baby in tow) pulling out of my driveway by 6:20 am to get to work by 8. I felt the daily pressure of trying to make it to work on time while sitting in traffic and was always under the stress of having to take time off when my son got sick. I performed my long “day” job and returned to my “other” full-time job as mom by night…
When I walked through the door close to 5 pm, dinner was waiting to be cooked, the family was ready to be fed and then there was the clean up that would ensue, bath time to be taken care of and the rest of the all-inclusive routine. But wait, didn’t I deserve at least five minutes to play with my kid since I didn’t see him all day? It was hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined.
Then I got pregnant with Baby #2. When my daughter was born I took a very long maternity leave. It was at this time that I became the complete stay-at-home-mom. Suddenly, my very long days were filled with an unsettled crying baby and a very active toddler who needed me to entertain him every five minutes…
I missed earning a paycheck. I missed the conversations at work. I longed to have more stimulating conversation over lunch other than baby talk. Actually, I missed sitting down at the table longer than five minutes to finish my lunch in peace. As much as I loved being home with my kids I felt isolated and alone. It was hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined.
Currently, I am a work-at-home mom and I constantly juggle the time with my kids and the appropriate time to fulfill my job. I like getting a paycheck again and occupying my mind with a position I am passionate about. But I do not have a Nanny or a sitter so in essence, I work in addition to being a full-time mom…
I juggle conference calls in between naps and play-dates and I respond to the majority of my emails at snack time. I miss my work wardrobe and those face-to-face conversations with my co-workers. And although I love the opportunity to see my kids’ faces everyday, this comes with a price and tons of sacrifice. I rarely have any “down” time since my life is dedicated to taking care of the kids and maintaining a job. It is hard. Harder than I could have ever imagined.
I don’t care if you are a work-out-of-the-home-mom, a stay-at-home-mom, or a work-at-home mom, nobody has it any easier.
We are moms, Theta Moms, and EVERY mom is a hard working mom. Period.
Amen for all that! I wish the media would stop playing one against one another. Motherhood never meant to be easy and I salute those mothers who works outside the home and I salute stay at home moms and work from home moms. To me they are all fabulous women. Motherhood is hard enough as it is. Very well said, Heather!
Thanks Maureen! I agree, I wish the media would share more of a holistic perspective rather than playing one side against the other – I think it would make the job for new moms easier to make “career” decisions and there would not be as much guilt!
Amen sista! I’ve got a series coming up called “Moms Who Work” and that is my point exactly – that whether it’s at home, from home, away from home… moms work hard! I think it’s easy for us to look with longing at another type of “mom position” and think it’s easier, but the reality is each comes with it’s own set of rewards and challenges. We need to support each other in our positions and be careful not to judge and not to envy. Being a mom is a 24/7 job regardless of how many hours you’re at home or away. All moms work, and work hard! We need to celebrate each other!
Not to judge – AMEN. Let each mom decide for herself and her family what works for HER.
xo
I could not agree more. I also have experienced work out of the home mom, part time work out of the house mom, work at home mom and stay at home mom and they are all So Hard. I think they are all so hard because none of them allow us to dedicate 100% of ourselves to anything. SAHM comes closest but we can’t dedicate ourselves at all to Ourselves which in the end I think is most important. We all work hard. We all try to do it all. And we have to all take comfort that we’re all struggling through it together!
Like you, I have done each role and they all have their own advantages/disadvantages – not one role is easier than the other because each role has MOM in it!
I couldn’t agree more! Before I became a mom I never realized how hard it would be. I struggled trying to decide whether to return to work and finally realized that there was no easy answer… for me, for my husband, or for Abby. All moms have to work extremely hard and whether we’re in the home all day or work outside of the home doesn’t change that fact that our day starts when our little ones wake up and doesn’t end until long after they go to bed. I agree with Adriel… not judging and not envying is important. We need to support one another because everyone has a days where things get tough.
That is why I LOVE the mom blogging community – because YOU get it. We need to redefine this “idea” that the media has portrayed, making women feeling like one role is “more ideal” over another – each woman needs to decide for herself and her family what works for HER.
Thanks so much for your comment!
Kasey,
Yes, we need to support one another for the decision that each woman makes for herself and her family – that’s why I love this community so much – YOU get that! 😉
So true!! You know-I’m not quite sure if the media perpetuates the situation but I do know that women do this to ourselves. We tend to see it as “sahms or wahms” “breast/bottle feeders” “cloth/disposable diaper” people. The truth is that we all have to do what works best for us–and you’re right; it’s all hard!!
Kristen,
I do think the media influences the “guilt” aspect of it – like if you choose to be a SAHM then you ‘adandoned your career’ and if you choose to work out of the home then you are ‘abandoning your kids’ – I think WE need to begin the dialogue that EVERY mom is a working mom and that we should be supportive of that!
Thanks for your comment mama!
I couldn’t agree with this more! Instead of categorizing and judging we should all stand together as Mothers. It is a very hard job and as women we should be supporting each other even if our individual choices are different. We are all trying to do the best we can for our families.
Why can’t we all just get along? ;-P
It’s hard (as a woman) to admit this…but sometimes we can be so judgmental of others; especially when they make decisions that aren’t the same as ones we would make (or go against the “norm”). It’s so nice to read posts like this because it shows that despite any external (surface) differences-we really are all very similar.
excellent words. as you know, I work full time and it IS hard. I don’t get to put my kids to bed at night, but I’m home with them in the morning. it’s hard. very hard, b/c like you, i feel like i hardly get a break.
but I love it.
Exactly. And from my standpoint (since I have done all three), I feel like *I* also don’t get a break – no matter how you slice it, this motherhood gig is HARD.
I completely agree! When I worked that was hard, now I stay home and that is just as hard. No matter what, moms have so many responsibilities and it is hard. I really don’t like when others try to compare themselves to you and think they have it harder. Like you said, if you are a mom it is HARD no matter what!
Right on mama! The comparing really has to stop – I know I felt the guilt of my decision when I returned to work and it shouldn’t have been that way – each mom has to do what is right for HER and her family!
I love that you wrote that. I just don’t get the Mommy Wars at ALL. I’m at home, but craved grown up interaction, using my brain and having that sense of accomplishment, so I did contract work Kate’s first year. At that point we relocated halfway across the country and remodeled a house, so I was busy in other ways.
I have always said I don’t know how working moms find enough time in the day, and how it must be such a tough feeling when you get home, have dinner needing to be cooked but also only a brief time to play with your kids before it’s bedtime for them.
I have a friend who works part-time and she says she has the best of both worlds. Just enough time to work at a job she loves, make a little money and have that feeling of accomplishment, but still enough time to be with her kids, and keep her house somewhat under control.
Liz,
Thank you…I think the Mommy Wars need to stop and perhaps by putting this out there and starting the conversation that it doesn’t have to be like that is the first step toward change. I think the media influences the “Mommy Wars” but at the end of the day, WE are the ones left with the guilt – and it shouldn’t be like that. We are all trying to make this thing work the only way we know how.
Amen! Great post!
Thank you – AMEN!!!
I was just thinking about this over the weekend and wondering why women are so quick to judge each other instead of support each other. Life as a mom, while absolutely wonderful, IS hard and no one wants to actually acknowledge that. I, too, traded an early morning and long commute to stay at home with my baby and most days, I loved it. Now that I’m back to work part/full-time, I realize that I didn’t fully appreciate being at home. But when I was home, I longed for a some self-worth. I have to leave my house to teach for a set period of time each day and return home to grade papers, make phone calls, facilitate an on-line course, and answer emails during nap time and “independent play” (aka, you play with this honey, while mommy makes a phone call).
Can I stay at home full-time? Yes. Do I think it’s the best decision for my family? No. So it’s not a matter of having to work; it’s a matter of wanting to work. I try to remind myself that I do my best working at work and my best mommy-ing at home – and that at the end of the day, my work is complete, my baby is fed, she’s been cuddled and tickled and laughed with, and all is well with the world. We are all doing the best we can.
Heidi,
Yes, “But when I was home, I longed for a some self-worth.” This is what I face every day and although working from home does ease that feeling, I am left with the stress of “how do I make this all work all of the time?” It’s hard. Really hard- and you’re right, we are doing the best we can.
Thanks so much for your awesome comment.
xo
Fabulous post! Sometimes there is such a divide amongst moms, and it’s so counterproductive. I have been a working (outside of the home) mom and a SAHM, and they both pose such challenges and struggles. Neither was “easier” than the other, but I have received negative attitudes about both jobs from people (some of whom are friends!) Great job showing that we need to support each other’s decisions no matter what. Tearing each other down only makes all of our “jobs” harder!
Amen Angela!! Very well said! The choices we make as women and mothers is not easy and then living out those choices proves even more challenges. We need to be supportive of one another and not play one role as “better” than the other! Being a MOM is hard!!
That’s an awesome post! I am a stay at home mom. I haven’t had a “real” job since I was in a car accident back in June of 06. I am now disabled in my right arm and deal with constant pain. I am use to staying home and just doing the day to day chores while hubby works.
When my daughter came along I realized that being a mother is a lot more stressful on my body more than I could have ever imagined. But I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Seeing a smile on my daughters face makes me realize its worth the hard work and pain of being a mom! 😀
In the end, yes, the most rewarding job on the planet – but also the hardest. Thanks for your comment!
Well said sister! thanks for uniting all of us hard working moms. Go Team!
Yes!! We are ALL hard working moms. Love it!! Go TEAM THETA MOM!
Amen! I’ve been a work out of the home mom and a full time stay at home mom. They are both had, in different ways. One isn’t harder than the other, just different.
Off to stumble this post. Love it
Thanks mama! And having experienced all three myself, there are pros and cons to each- non is easier than the other because it has the word “mom” in it! 😉
I read this as I’m sitting at work wondering how the baby’s doing and how in the hell I forgot to take the car seat out of my car so the husband could take him to his grandma’s this morning.
I agree 110%! It’s so hard and I swear my husband thinks it’s easy peasy! There are days that I just want to come home and relax but as a mom we all know that’s probably never going to happen.
I’ve been trying to talk the husband into letting me quit my job, but with me being the one that carries the insurance (my company pays for it 100%) it probably won’t happen to soon. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot with our son.
When my daughters were older my ex and I would work opposite shifts so we could be with our kids and not send them to day care and that worked out really well, it also helped that I didn’t always work full time.
Mom’s deserve a lot more credit then they get! So YEA for us moms!!
Oh Jackie, I’ve been so there, done that and got the t-shirt…
Working out of the home IS hard and I remember those days of yearning to be home – and then when I was home – I missed aspects of working! This motherhood gig is SO HARD! But supporting each other in a communtiy like this makes it a little easier. 😉
xo
Motherhood is very hard, regardless of whether you work in home or out of home.
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–>I think no matter what decision you make, you’re always questioning if it was the right one. I work full time out the home and rush home to my “second shift” of caring for my family. By the time everyone is fed, dinner is finished and picked up, my son is bathed and in bed…I’m exhausted.
~deb
You’re right and having done all three, I questioned each one as it was happening, too. Yes, it’s all exhausting!!
I just dropped my baby off at daycare and my heart is aching (as it always does), but although I wish I could be at home with her, I know it would be just as hard in a different way. You’re right. We all work hard…and should support one another 100%.
Amber, My heart ached, too. In fact, my VERY first post on this blog was my the first day I entered the day-care to drop off my son. One of the hardest moments for me as a mom…you are NOT alone.
xo
Love the post!! I am currently a mom to a 19 month old special needs daughter it is HARD work, I can never seem to catch a break. To think I tried to go to work WITH her…yes that right I tried that. In the end I didn’t feel it was far to her. So Stay at home mom I am and I have never worked harder. I am expecting my second in November and I spend 4 hours a day doing therapy with my daughter between eye patching and orthodics and standers and early intervention. Then another 3 hours a day (thats what it adds up to) feeding her by gtube. I love what I do and I wouldn’t change it but boy do all of us moms WORK HARD!!!
Tanya,
And my hat is off to YOU because you are working even harder with a child with special needs. YOU are the kind of mom I admire and nobody realizes the time commitment and patience that that kind of help and therapy requires. I have SO much respect for EVERY mom – and THAT should be the message, not making us feel that one job is ‘better’ than the other… thanks so much for your awesome comment!
All I can say is, AMEN! I couldn’t agree more. Great post!
Yes, AMEN!!!
well said! being a MOM is a hard job no matter how you do it. i wish everybody understood it that way, because nothing aggravates me more than people judging because they think they have it harder than someone else.
Exactly, when you add in the job title of MOM, life becomes much harder and I wish other women would stop judging the choices other women make. Nobody has it easy…
the common thread is BEING A MOM IS HARD. Not bad hard but just there is so much to do and be responsible for. So not matter what your “professional” working status, the mom part is always there. That’s what we all need to remember. I have done all of it while being a mom and I think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence really applies here.
What I’m coming to realize is that we are in the constant mom mode for about 18 years and then typically the child goes on to college or life. When you have a baby and struggle through the first years, you think this is always how it’s going to be. So not true. Those 18 years go by FAST. Enjoy it and love that time. you NEVER get it back.
Thanks for the reminder Kerry – and I totally agree, the grass seems to be greener, but once you’re on the other side, you soon find out it isn’t. 😉
LOVE this post! I work 3 days a week in a job outside of the home. The other 2 days I’m home with my son. Being home with my son is much harder work but SO SO SO much more rewarding. What I would give to stay home. I guess the old saying the grass is always greener applies well here.
As I just told Kerry, we think the grass is greener until we are actually on the other side!
Hey Heather. Great post. You articulated one of my biggest wishes– that we all could embrace different ways of living. A wise friend said to me once, “see how you are the same rather than how you are different”. I wrote a post about the so-called Mommy Wars awhile back. Here’s the link:
http://musingsdemommy.blogspot.com/2010/03/questions.html
xo
Yes, we need to embrace the different ways of living and let go of the Mommy Wars for good!
Great post and so very true! I am a full work out of the home mom and sometimes after a trying weekend with the kids, I look forward to going to work.
All moms work hard al the time. But we are moms and that is what we do!
Yes, it’s what we do.
This is so true- it is hard enough just to be mom, plain and simple. Add in the stress of a work situation, whether a full-time job, part-time, or lackthereof, it’s a whole new playing field. My husband’s job takes us around the country, making it difficult for me to even consider any work beyond doing online work- and once we stay still, I will have to face the decisions all over again. We all love our kids and want to do what is best for them, and that’s the bottom line.
Ashley – Perfectly stated, “We all love our kids and want to do what is best for them, and that’s the bottom line.” Amen!
It is so very true. I wish all women would be supportive of everyone’s situation – we are all working HARD & there really should be no debate about it ♥
Great post & great conversation
Devan~ Thanks for your thoughts – I LOVE this conversation…I think we need to talk about this more!
This is so true. Every mom’s job is a challenging job. Work at home, at the office or stay at home, it’s all hard!
Yes, it IS all hard!!
My life sounds like your’s. I went back to work after my son was 1 month, my 2nd daughter I became a stay at home mom, then I was a work at home mom, now I’m temporarily working out of the house only to become a full time student + full time mom in November.
Every, single one of those thigns has been hard. Nobody has it easier ~ being a mom is just downright HARD!
Great post
Thanks so much for sharing – you are NOT alone!
xo
I agree – no matter what you do as a mom, it’s hard to get time to yourself, guilt-free. That’s why I love playdates – the kids are entertained and I can get stuff done!
Yes, finding that guilt free time is hard, too!
Great post Heather, thank you so much for sharing. You have definitely experienced all three. What a unique perspective you have. You are right…it is just plain hard no matter what!
Thanks mama!! I tried to articulate it well and glad it was perceived that way!
Amen! I work full time and hope to work PT so I can stay home with the baby more but even then, I am sure there are challenges. There is never a better solution. It’s hard work. Period. If you love your family and want to continue being in pursuit of your own ambitions, someone has to pay. And that person is usually us – the moms.
Great post! Glad you’re able to see this from all sides and weigh in the way you did. Very sobering indeed.
You are so right, we the moms are the ones that end up paying…no matter how you slice it, this job is HARD.
I love this post and I completely agree with you! I work out of the home for two reasons: 1. We can’t afford a 1 income household and 2. I would go crazy! I have such respect and admiration for stay at home moms because I do not have the patience. And, I have that same amount of respect for work at home moms because I? Would not be able to get a thing done!
I just wish more women and mothers would be more supportive of one another and the decisions we make – perhaps beginning the dialogue here will help make that happen!
Thank you for a thoughtful and entirely true blog post. It’s nice confirmation that I’m not the only one who works full-time and then feels like there’s barely any time left to spend with my child as I’m so busy doing necessary chores like dinner, lunches and bedtime routine. Seriously, thank you. amber
Amber,
You are NOT alone!
xo
I couldn’t agree more. I have always been a working mom, but have swapped between working in the office and working out of a home office. Both have their pluses and minuses…but it has all been hard. Not to mention the long maternity leave I took…stay at home is just as hard.
Totally agree – all of it is HARD.
Preach it! I worked from home running my business for several years before I had a baby. I thought adding baby into the work-at-home mix would be an easy transition. Boy was I wrong. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. I am still struggling with how to balance it all and at times would daydream if the grass was really greener if I worked outside, or gave up the business to just be a SAHM. But really, you are so right. It is hard work being a mom, from all angles.
Great post!
Like you said, no matter what you choose, it’s a hard choice, and a hard job.
I read a recent post somewhere (I wish I could remember who it was so I could give her credit), where she called herself a DLMBWAWM (Don’t label me because we all work mom). That completely resonated with me, as did your post! Being a mom is hard WORK… no matter what path we individually choose.
So, so true. I have done the SAHM and the work outside the home thing. Both were difficult. Both were time consuming. Both were filled with guilt, happiness and sleep deprevation. What I have found is that those who are insistant that their role is more difficult are those who are incredibly unhappy with what they do (e.g. a SAHM who REALLY wants to work outside of the home or vice versa).
I very much agree with the previous poster’s acronym: DLMBWAWM. That is the right one
And let the church say “Amen”. I have to agree motherhood is a task and a half, and I feel it’s because we are so emotionally involved. If I don’t like my job I can consider looking for a new one, but I can not walk away from motherhood, just because something didn’t go well.
I am not a stay home mum, but I don’t feel either way about it, I believe we have a choice and whatever, is right for you is the one to pick.
However, I wish that society would give more recognition to what we do, day in and day out and just like you have done today, show appreciation for job carried out with unconditional love.
I actually think SAH moms have it harder. Maybe it’s because I have a bang-up nanny situation where my sister-in-law comes to my house to watch Claire every day, so I don’t have to worry about her being neglected or getting knocked around by daycare bullies. But while I was home with her and looking for a full time job, I COULD NOT wait to get out of the house. Maybe a little baby blues, compounded by a cold winter where we couldn’t leave the house without Claire getting sick. But I NEEDED to go back to work, and I am a better mother and wife because I work. Some people are meant to stay at home, and I am just not one of them. I wish I was because my paycheck doesn’t have much left after factoring the nanny and other working-related expenses (clothes, gas, etc) but for our family, I serve them better by working. Kudos to WAH because I thinks that’s taking super-mom to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL!
Yup, it’s all hard, no matter what. Here are 2 situations that I think could be a little better: part-time working out of the home OR work-at-home/stay-at-home with a couple days of daycare per week! But, really, there are pros and cons to absolutely everything. We can’t worry too much whether other’s may have it “easier” than us. Bloom where you are planted.
http://www.pampersandpinot.com
My kiddies are all almost grown, the youngest is 17 and graduated early and still living at home and I have a 19 year old who is gonna be a daddy within the next 3 weeks and he still lives at home and goes to school fulltime.
What I want to say is that it is still hard when they are older. They may not be as physically challenging and demanding, but emotionally and mentally it is tough. Once my kids hit middle school, they took up a lot of time.
For instance, I spent this morning at the ER with my 17 year old because she passed out at work this morning. Turns out she was dehydrated and not taking care of herself since a breakup with her boyfriend.
And this afternoon, I am taking my son and his GF shopping to get some necessities to have at our house for when the baby comes over here.
Yep, we all need to give each other a break. We ALL have it tough!
Bernice
Standing ovation! I’ve only been a stay-at-home mom so don’t have the experience of anything more than this. However, my mom did all three and tells me “Sweetie, you can’t compare apples to oranges. They are both hard in their own ways and no mom has it “easy”.”
Very true. Every parent, no matter their work situation (or stay at home situation) is hard. And as long as you care about the children you are raising and give them priority in your life – it will be hard. It only becomes easy when you no longer value your children, and unfortunately I see way too much of that these days!
so true! no matter how you look at it, each situation is unique and challenging. I love that this post brings us all together! thank you –
I actually got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throart reading this post. I work outside the home and lately have been really struggling with it. All I want is to be home taking care of my kids and my house. I want to be a work at home mom but not sure how to make that happen. Wish I thought about that option before kids.
I try my hardest to balance it all but some days are just harder than others. Today is one of those days….
Thanks for this post. really it was so nice to read.
Right on! I think it’s so hard for many moms because we struggle to achieve fulfillment as moms and women…it seems you’ve found the right balance.
Here! Here! As always, well said mama! No dout each scenario has its own pros and cons and challenges.
Awesome post! The grass is never greener…..