I have been really struggling the last few months with my 20 month-old daughter. I have not blogged about it since I have been unable to find the right words and quite frankly, I’m still trying to strike a balance between sharing my experience and staying somewhat private at the same time especially since it directly relates to her health – so I know I will find the right space in due time.
But I would like to share a few words with some people in public (and some directly in my life) that seem to have it all figured out. They are so quick to judge me and my daughter and to them I need to say:
When I’m at the doctor’s office, leave your snarky behavior at the door. I can’t stand the looks given to us from the adults without children as well as some of the receptionists. My little girl tries her best to be “good” in a space that is simply not made for children so cut us a break. We’re doing the best damn job we can.
When I’m at the store and my daughter is screaming please don’t glare at me like I am not doing enough, like I am some kind of “bad” mother. Don’t stare at me as if I have “no control” over my child. Instead of giving me such nasty looks offer me a smile or perhaps a few words of encouragement. Obviously, I am really struggling in the situation so your glares and stares are just adding to the drama.
When I’m out in public and my daughter throws a tantrum with full body movements that lasts for minutes don’t act like you’ve never been there before. Don’t look at me like I am a freak and my child is even more freakish. Don’t stop and stare and don’t judge me OR her. It wasn’t that long ago when you walked down that same road so just because your child is a teenager now don’t act like you haven’t been right where I am.
When I’m in your company and especially if I meet you for the first time, please don’t offer me advice when I don’t ask for it unless you are my own mother. I don’t care that your “picky eater” suddenly began to eat certain foods because of some miracle that you tried. Don’t act like you know the magic bullet that will help my kid or that your “advice” will automatically work just because you reached success with it. What worked for your child does not necessarily mean it will work for mine because motherhood is NOT one size fits all.
And although I used to enjoy conversing with other moms about the challenges of motherhood, the kind of attitude I have been getting lately feels more judgemental than supportive so I refuse to continue any kind of dialogue with these women. And I chose to publish this post because I know there are tons of other Theta Moms reading this right now who have experienced these SAME conversations with THOSE moms. This is exactly why I love my blog so much because I know that YOU get it.
The bottom line is that I am trying to cope the only way I know how on so many levels. This has been a part of motherhood I never knew existed nor experienced up until now.
So unless you’ve walked at least five minutes in my shoes don’t pass judgment on me or my daughter – because we are doing the best damn job we can right now.
Amen. Beautifully put.
.-= Quixotic´s last blog ..You know you’re a Mama if… =-.
Very well put. I truly try to keep my parenting experiences to myself unless I am asked. It’s too bad more don’t try to do the same.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Farmer Fridays – Stages of Corn Growth =-.
That’s the thing Heather – I like to talk about what has helped other moms, but not when it’s shoved down my throat or made to make me feel like I am not doing a good enough job. That’s why recently it has felt more judgemental than supportive…Thanks so much for your comment.
Get this. So get this. And it’s even worse when it comes from your own circle of friends. That I have NO PATIENCE for.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Possibly =-.
Exactly! I was right there with you! My son is on the Spectrum (he is an Aspie) but we didn’t get a proper diagnoses until he was 7. You can imagine the public tantrums…. And, add to that, I look younger than I am. So I got the judgemental teen parent looks (I was 24 when he was born!). One woman -a stranger no less- told me I was obviouslt too young to handle being a mother. Yeah- I totally laid her a new one! Um, yeah, I so feel for you. Hope things work out for all of you soon
.-= kristen´s last blog ..Today Was A Whirlwind Of Shopping – Great Deals =-.
It’s hard being a mom, isn’t it? My son threw the biggest fits sometimes that left me feeling discouraged and sometimes embarrassed.
Burned into my brain though is a moment from another family. We were at the Y for a soccer game when my kids were smaller, and a sibling of one of the players had a major meltdown. He was autistic, so it was apparently a somewhat regular occurance, according to his mom that I’d befriended. What I remember most though is his older sister yelling at people to not stare at him. I felt so bad for her — it was wearing on her — that silent pressure from other people for perfect behavior. She felt judged too, and she was just a pre-teen.
.-= GlowinGirl´s last blog ..Hers, Mine and His =-.
WOW! You go Girl! I really felt your heart in this post.
Some people become very judgmental the minute they are given the title of parents…. and it is NOT ok. Like you said everyone’s situations and children are not the same. No one is like the other- nor is one BETTER than the other.
Hang in there Mama, I’m always here if you need to talk- judgement free.
.-= Corine (Complicated Mama)´s last blog ..Raw Footage From The Complicated Compound… =-.
I can totally identify. My son is “globally delayed” and he has meltdowns at the worst possible moments, he won’t eat anything except chicken nuggets, PB&J, some fruits, and blue yogurt. Yes, it has to be blue.
I get all the crazy looks from people when Munchkin is in the middle of starting one of his epic meltdowns, but I just ignore them. They don’t know what it’s like to have a child that doesn’t *know how* to express himself without a tantrum or meltdown 95% of the time and they don’t know how difficult he is otherwise.
I completely connected to your comment Bonnie. I have so much more I need to share and I will do so when I get some more answers – right now, it’s the waiting game for me. But regardless, thank you SO MUCH for this comment, as I am currently experiencing these same exact emotions.
I am with you guys! My daughter is delayed as well. She can’t express herself except through actions. I have been through the biting, hitting, throwing, so on and so on. I have the bruises to prove it. I have taken a different approach to all of this – HUMOR!
My mother used to say, “that which won’t kill us, will make us stronger!” Getting angry or frustrated in return with my little girl only makes it worse.
I won’t win the mother of the year award, when I tell you that I laugh off her physical tantrums. I don’t take any of it personally, I try to understand the motivations behind the tantrum. I usually start another game to distract and manage the situation.
I am so sorry you have to wait and see about your little one. I live in that world too, they can’t tell us anything about her future (but that is another post altogether). We have come a long way from the initial diagnosis that she wouldn’t walk, talk, or feed herself. The place of wait and see is one of the hardest things I have ever faced. When you have answers you can plan your path towards dealing with it.
It is pretty terrible to feel so much dread and anticipation when you go for a Doctor’s appt. Afraid of what they will find. It is so hard to stay positive.
The hell with those who think they can stand in judgment of anyone. No one knows the burdens of another, so always show compassion. We all have something going on, some take it out on others – while others focus on a positive direction regardless of the naysayers.
I hope you get answers soon! I do understand your pain! FYI – My daughter has Tuberous Sclerosis – If that leaves you scratching your head, join the medical and non medical population. No one knows anything, that is our answer to every question. Fun huh!? Meanwhile my little angel fights through the delays, seizures, and any other obstacle with an admirable amount of courage and determination! She has shown me a different way to look at everything.
Anytime. =) Sorry it took a few days to get back to this. I wrote a post going into a little detail about my little munchkin man if you want to read it.
Having a globally delayed kid isnt easy, and I really hope you can figure out what is off with your girl. (I say “off” because there is nothing “wrong” with a kid)
.-= Bonnie´s last blog ..Thank You JESUS! =-.
Many, many hugs… Parenting is not a contest. I don’t understand why more parents can’t realize that. Is it really so darn hard to just be nice and supportive of all parents out there?
.-= Soup: Midwestern Mama Cooking Up Life in the Heartland´s last blog ..I’ve Got a Hot Date on Friday! =-.
Bulls eye!
Earlier this month, I found myself standing in line waiting to go through immigration to enter Singapore with my son acting like an energizer bunny on steroid because he was too tired – after our first flight out of the country & we had to woke him up at 4AM – and I know how he gets when he’s overtired, he’ll be all over the place. Then out of the blue this older guy behind me started passing out his diagnosed that my son have autism because of the way he acts. It pissed me off but I tried to stay polite telling him NO my son doesn’t have autism. He kept at it and went on and on and on until I finally lost it, turned around, look at him straight in the eyes and asked if he’s a doctor. He said no then I told him “Ok then, don’t diagnose my perfectly healthy son! He doesn’t have autism and even if he does, it’s none of your business!”
Sending you a big virtual hug!
Will keep your daughter and you in my prayers that you
Awesome post, thank you for saying this!! I’m going to remember this post when I fly across the country with my little guy by myself. I’m fully prepared for judgemental glares and attitudes by people that seem to have forgotten what it was like when they walked in our shoes.
sorry I got cut off…was meaning to write that I will keep you and your daughter in my prayer that things will work out fine for you and remember you are already the best mommy for her!
Maureen – Thank you for that. At the end of the day, there is no reason for others to judge the job we are doing and sadly, most times for me, it feels this way. Helps to know everyone on this blog gets me – and for this, I am grateful.
Thank you. xo
i feel you on this. my daughter has severe developmental delays, and has many a public tantrum…and my son, well, he’s just got a temper and also causes public scenes(last week he hit me across the face at the store, and i just wanted to crawl under a rock!). i do my very best to stay strong and ignore the stares and whispers…but sometimes it just wears on my heart. you absolutely are doing the very best you can!! hang in there! **BIG squeezes from me!!**
Tina – I feel like recently I hit rock bottom because this happens every time I leave my home. Thank you so mcuh for your words of encouragement.
Sounds like you’re having a rough go of it lately and I’m sorry for that…I’m sure that you’re doing the best you can. I have a question though…last week, we were in BJs. The kids were in my cart and another mother entered at the same time with two boys…older than my kids, but that didn’t really matter…my kids’ eyes were glued to these kids. We kept passing them in the aisles and the Mom was struggling with keeping them in the cart and other little behavior things…I was not judging…her kids’ behavior was not abnormal…I wanted to say something encouraging, but everything that came to mind sounded trite and bitchy. I wanted to smile, but I didn’t want it to look insincere or like I was gloating b/c my kids were behaving decently (for once). I wanted to apologize for my kids treating her kids like they were a museum exhibit (stare, stare, point, point). I did nothing…what is a good thing to say that is supportive, but not annoying. I’m sure I’m going to be there…I have been there with one of mine…I just want to say the right thing without sending this mother over the edge!
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Friday Funyuns =-.
For me, I would appreciate a smile instead of a glare and if someone said something, “This too shall pass…or don’t worry, we’ve all been there….or you didn’t know motherhood entailed this when you signed up, right?” Or something along those lines…THAT would make me feel like I am not alone. When I get the glares and stares, I feel like I am SO alone…
So true. And children are not one model fits all. It is amazing to me how night and day my son and daughter are. Course, my daughter (22 months) is so like me as a child, it is both funny and scary. I was the type of child to throw a fit in a store, and yes I mean lay down and throw that fit. So I hear you….keep on, keeping on. Know there are some of us out there that would just smile and keep walking.
I love this post. My daily life is filled with adults, some mothers, who believe they have it figured out and love telling me the “right thing” to do. I especially get annoyed with mothers of children who were seemingly not hard to raise who dispense advice as if they created parenthood.
If we’re in a store any my child comments on the behavior of another child, I remind them that they have had their moments and there are definitely more to come.
*hugs*
~Tiffany Noth
Tiffany – You are so right! The ones that are most vocal have children without the issues I am faced with. Exactly, like they “created parethood.”
(((HUGS))) We often get the same. Our oldest has Asperger’s, and our youngest, well he’s 3 and severely OCD, and, and, and. We can’t lock our kids in our homes because they might make others feel slightly uncomfortable at times. We just do the best we can and carry on.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..MOAA Letters Revisted =-.
Thanks for sharing that Amanda. I cannot be chained to my house and I should not be judged the moment I step out.
If it’s any consolation, I’d give you a smile!
One thing I’ve always been amazed by is how other moms seem to forget what it’s like with little ones. It seems like by the time their youngest has hit 10, they have NO recollection of the struggles of toddlerhood.
.-= A Belle, A Bean & A Chicago Dog´s last blog ..Life Just Kinda Happens =-.
Oh, I so DO get it! I just wrote a post about how I am trying to deal w/my 18 month old’s tantrums. I always want to say something obnoxious to the people who give me looks, but so far I have been able to control myself. One day I will lose control, I just know it!
Great post!
.-= Elizabeth Flora Ross´s last blog ..The Reading List =-.
If they could only be in our shoes for five minutes, right? – And those that share the most advice wouldn’t last a second in our shoes. I would like to see how well they would react to the situation.
You know, if they don’t have children, I can kind of understand. I know I didn’t have a clue before I was a mom. But if they have children (no matter what age), they are in no position to judge.
.-= Elizabeth Flora Ross´s last blog ..The Reading List =-.
parenting is hard enough without other people judging us! my son was a very well behaved child… but my daughter (24 months old) just threw one of many tantrums in the store yesterday. i hate the way all eyes seem to gravitate straight towards me as soon as her piercing screech fills every available air space in a room. (((hugs))) to you and all other women with those outgoing, stubborn little monkeys. thankfully, this stage won’t last forever, even though it feels like it sometimes…
.-= Nobody´s last blog ..Shake of the Day =-.
I agree with you whole heartedly, in fact I am going to start a blog for those days you just described. I want to call it Inspiration for Parents or something along those lines. I think we need to be there to help each other brainstorm and share experiences – not complain or criticize. Being a parent is the toughest job, it is best accomplished with support and love.
My daughter is 20 months as well, and has a genetic condition that causes seizures. Her condition has slowed down her development and made it hard for her to communicate with me. I have dealt with many of those looks you describe and the criticisms from within my own circle about my methods of working with my child. I have come to one simple fact in my life, I would rather be frowned upon for helping my child and maintaining a healthy balance. No matter what you do, you are going to be frowned upon or criticized by someone (even if you are mother of the year). If I am getting those frowns because I am being too strict or abusive to my little girl, then I know I have a problem.
I don’t care what people think about my relationship with my daughter or if they think I am crazy when I a playing with her in a mall. My daughter’s happiness and well being are my main goals. Who cares what others think? Being from a very judgmental family, I can tell you that someone will always find fault with you. In most of the cases I have witnessed, it is usually the person passing judgment who has the most problems. They are usually unhappy and jealous.
Smile the next time you hear one of those comments and say “I am so sorry that your life is so miserable that you have to focus on mine.” Hug and kiss your little one and walk away!
Hang in there! This is only a phase!
Amen Shannon! And although I agree, judgement is everywhere, it would help if I recevied that smile instead of a glare. 😉 Thanks for sharing your thoughtful comment and as my momther said, “This will not last forever.”
It is funny – you can always tell the moms who just GET it. I have been given a smile or two instead of glares at times and they do make the WORLD of difference.
I really felt your heart in this post. Sending you HUGS
.-= Devan @ Accustomed Chaos´s last blog ..A Letter For Triton: Missing You =-.
Thanks so much Devan – I did spill my heart out in this post and it has helped because of the encouragement I have received from bloggers like yourself.
So for that, thank you. xo
A friend recently told me of a rule they enstated at their house that I think should become a rule of motherhood… As in sign here next to the child’s name on the birth certificate!
“Don’t give your opinion or any advice unless you are specifially asked for it.”
{Hugs}
I had a child in a wheelchair who didn’t handle certain situations well, and now I have a loud tantrum-thrower. I’l never forget the kind words of one mom in the freezer section of a grocery store one afternoon when the kids had totally lost it and I was holding it together by the barest thread. She walked up, I braced myself for criticism, and she said, “you’re doing a great job. Hang in there.” I burst into tears right there. It was just what I needed to get the task done and get home. I pray someone gives you and each of your readers such a boost one day.
Joy,
I have to be honest, I am getting emotional just reading these comments. I wish other mothers would all think this way – I know myself, since I have direct experience, when I see another mother out (especially when my kids are not with me) I do give that smile and often times have a shared a few words of encouragement. THAT is the sisterhood of motherhood that I feel on this blog.
Thank you for the reminder and I hope every reader takes away something from this post as well as the comments.
Have you read the post by Janis at Sneak Peak at Me? (It’s here: http://www.sneakpeekatme.com/2010/06/please-teach-your-children-about.html ) She talks about a very similar situation, except about the children’s response to her child who is different.
Both of these posts inspired me to create a “Mother’s Creed” (on my blog today). Mothers need to read and sign… maybe in blood.
Hang in there. You’re doing a great job.
.-= Joy In This Journey´s last blog ..We Need a Mother’s Creed =-.
Huge hugs to you!!! This is a beautiful and very TRUE post!!!
Amen, Sista! This post is balm for my soul today. I have five little ones, ten and under, all home for the summer. I’m finding myself rising (or needing to rise) to the challenges of what it means to be their mom right now. I know that judgment and critical playback that we can receive can be so painful. It reinforces a feeling of failure when you’re already struggling to figure it out. I would say that even after five, I still feel like I know so little when it comes to being a mom. With each one, I have become that much more humble. Motherhood definitely seems to be a school in letting go of control, as there are so many unknown variables. My saving grace has to been to start each day anew and to navigate from my heart more than my head. Thank you for your beautiful sharing, and know that this too will pass, shift, and become new.
Rhonda,
Thank you for the insight that “this too shall pass…” And you’re right, since I am smack in the middle of it now, it’s sometimes hard to remember that.
I have to agree, I have learned so much about MYSELF since I became a mother and what it means to sacrifice. Thank you so much for the encouragement today, I so needed it.
I am sorry you are going through this. Lately my older son can be difficult to deal w/ especially in public. I feel like at times I am the only one w/ a screaming child who is having a terrible meltdow. I get so flustered and start to panic and quite frankly its because of the stares I get from others. Once in awhile you get someone who gives you a little smile (you can read in their eyes that they get what you are going through).
Hang in there. Everyone deals w/different issues and each child can be totally different. Don’t worry about what others think, you are doing the best you can for both you and your daughter. Hopefully by pouring your heart out, you will feel encouraged by all of your amazing readers ((HUGS))!!
I read a really great article. cannot remember where. But she talked about how most people just look at you during the tantrum but she had one guys say “can’t you control her?” And her response was, what exactly do you want me to do? ground her? take away her binky or blanket? Seriously!
That one hit home to me. Or when your at a FAMILY restaurant and people are giving you dirty looks. Or at a free children’s movie and they come sans child but are made because my 7 yr old wants to know why ET is sad. people are such jerks sometimes!
Family restaurant – I’ve so been there!!!
It’s terribly sad that, as woman and mothers, there persists such a strong feeling of judgement among us instead of support. There is nothing more helpful in THAT situation (a tantrum, trying to juggle too many things in not enough arms, an overtired child, an overtired mommy) than a sincerely sympathetic smile from a fellow mom. I try to give that smile in those situations, because I know such a simple gesture can feel like a pat on the back saying “you are not alone.” This is such an honest post. I hope the next time you find yourself in a situation like the ones you listed that a kind person lends a smile of support. If not, please keep all of these comments tucked away with you, knowing that there are so many mothers who have been in the same situation and are sympathizing & empathizing, NOT judging!
.-= angela´s last blog ..The Gavel =-.
Angela – I couldn’t agree more. Knowing YOU all get me and get what I am saying I feel encouraged. These comments TOTALLY made my day, so thank you.
*hugs* momma, having 2 boys on the autism spectrum I can relate to the challenged of dealing with issues & aspects of motherhood that were NEVER anticipated. You are learning along the way, there is no handbook out there on how to do everything right that works for every kid. Instead you are learning hands on & sometimes that means there is a steep learning curve to figure out what is best for YOUR child (not someone else’s). Try to dust the dirt off your shoulders & ignore what isn’t helpful, focus on the positives & take it one step at a time.
.-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Give a Kid a Hammer =-.
You said it quite perfectly – Motherhood is NOT one size fits all. Never has, never will be. I don’t know why some women are eager to convince you otherwise–and by “convince you otherwise” I wholeheartedly mean convince you to see and do things their way. Keep your head up!!
.-= Chrissy MacCEO´s last blog ..Friday Link Up! =-.
I totally agree!
I’ve noticed it’s the moms of babies that can sometimes be the most {for lack of a better word} annoying with their advice. Because they have a 6 month old who will eat any puree you feed them, they can offer advice on how to get your two year old who hasn’t eaten a vegetable in a year to love carrots.
Or they will give you a look like “my baby will never act like this in public” but you can just smile because you know someday their baby WILL act like this in public. Even the best behaved child has their moments.
Hugs to you, Theta Mom. I have realized that when I am out and things are going bad, more times than not if I really look around, I’m getting symphathetic looks instead of judging ones.
.-= Kristin @ Ellie-Town´s last blog ..Picnik with Puffs =-.
Thank you for this post. It really helps to know that there are other real moms out there
.-= Christine´s last blog ..The Never Ending To-Do List =-.
this is my first time on your blog and truer words were never spoken. My son is only 7 mos old, so I can’t really relate. My monkey was very colicky and when we went out I always got those looks. I used to feel like the worlds worst mother but it hit me. Ain’t nothin wrong w me. It’s them. You just wanna “smack” some sense into them & ask: hello? Did you forget what its like?
So sorry you hafta go through that. I pray that you get more encouraging words & looks when you go out.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing. It’s helped to know YOU all get me.
(HUGS) Being a parent is the hardest job we will ever have. It comes with a lot of guilt, ridicule, sometimes (needless) shame, etc. It’s not all roses and rainbows, as you well know.
I hope everything works out well for your little one!!
.-= Kmama´s last blog ..Monday Minute: 6/14/10 =-.
Oh Heather,
I am SO with you on this one. My oldest son has sensory processing disorder. I was the Mom IN the sandbox with my child because he would literally jump on other kids and suck on their head. My son only ate #3 baby foods until he was almost 3. My son had crippling separation anxiety. I was the only Mom hiding in the bushes on the first day of school as I watched my nervous son from afar. I was always ready to swoop in if a temper tantrum flared up.
Thanks to occupational therapy and some hard work for our family, he is 5 and learning to self regulate. Before we had him screened and diagnosed I felt the exact same way as what you just wrote.
If you would be interested in some books that really helped me, feel free to e-mial me and I can send you a list. If you just need to vent, I am a THETA Mom with a non judgemental ear and experience.
.-= Leigh´s last blog ..The best little date in Georgia. =-.
Leigh,
You have no ideas how a comment like this has been so encouraging for me. When I am out and about with her I feel so alone, and blogging about this experience has shown me I am so NOT alone.
I will be emailing you.
xoxo
My 19-month-old is getting there with her tantrums, and we’ve been reticent in going to get-togethers with friends (they’re mostly single or childless by choice) because we know all too well the glares and raised eyebrows that come from people who just don’t understand. It’s bad enough when it’s from strangers but worse when they’re friends. And if it’s a party, we would feel the need to apologize for her behavior and it’s absurd because it’s not like we had planned this, or that we didn’t “teach her better”.
We just tell ourselves that it’s a phase and ignore her, and the ignoring part gets a bigger reaction from others’ than if we tried to do something about it, which protracts the tantrums. There’s just no winning.
.-= Justine´s last blog ..This was us 29 months ago =-.
Great post! There is a family member in my life who has passed the same kind of judgment on to me for everything BEFORE we had our babies. Now we are both mothers and it has only gotten worse! Gah! One size does NOT fit all!
I’m sorry you have to deal with judgmental attitudes. I certainly have tried to make it a point to be less judgmental around other mothers since becoming one. I don’t know others’ situations, so it’s not my place to pass judgment, silently or out loud.
Wishing you all the best with your daughter
.-= Mungee’s Ma´s last blog ..Mungee’s Lunchtime Adventure or Maybe I should wear a bib =-.
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I hope that evey mother who reads this post takes away something from it.
My non-verbal son is 6 and we have had his official Autism diagnosis for 3 years now. it was a relief to be able to connect with other Autism moms and vent, give and take advice. The thing with kids and Autism is one size NEVER fits all. they are all completely different. Special needs or not. I have some friends with completely typical kids that just don’t know what to say or how to relate to us. I don’t really see them much. With special needs kids, you figure out real quick who is a true friend. I also learned a very long time ago not to pay attention to all the idiots, yes idiots in public that give the looks or even the comments. And if someone does say something snarky, I give it right back. I could care less if someone thinks I am rude. I am going to protect my son, be his voice and I could care less who tries to make me feel judged as a mother. Hang in there! This post could be your first step to saying the things to these people in real life.
.-= Kerry´s last blog ..Reflect On The Old Me – Picture Included =-.
Amen! My 2 year old is still in the middle of Grumpville and I get so sick of those looks and unsolicited advice. Although, I will say it makes me think about what I say to other moms more before I give THEM advice.
.-= Lindsay @ Just My Blog´s last blog ..Monday Minute: Dribbly Edition =-.
Thank you!!!!! I feel this way all the time even sometimes towards my fiance. I do 99.9 % of everything so dont act like you know what will miraculously cure my daughters tantrums or eating habits or potty problems. Just because i say “i have tried that” doesnt mean im defensive or not open to your ideas….it means “i REALLY have tried that dammit!” Im doing the best i can as i go along….give me some freaking credit. Juggling a 2.5 yr old and 5 month old it not the easiest of tasks. My 2.5 yr old is resistance to almost any type of punishment! She wears me out all day…almost every shopping trip ends in tears and kicking and screaming…… but i wouldnt change it for the world…unfortunatley all the know it alls out there will always have some negative S$#T to say!
Erica,
I couldn’t have said it better. She wears me out as well so when I get the looks, stares, and “advice” it just adds to my frustration. So nice to know I am not alone!!!
I’m so sorry you are stuck in this spot right now. I have a don’t ask don’t tell policy of mom advice. I like it to go both ways! If you want their “help” you can ask for it…otherwise they should keep it to themselves.
Here’s my advice…you are a great mom doing the best job you can. You love your children and you will work this out.
.-= Tracie´s last blog ..How to Hold Yourself Back =-.
Thank you so much for writing this post because you have said all things that I have been wanting to say. I have no idea why some people make being a parent a contest to see who can better because it’s not. Futhermore, I can’t stand people who come at me like they’re some kind of parenting guru. Like seriously, you are the Baby Whisperer. It’s frustrating when people try to force unwanted advice on me.
I would be more receptive to what you had to say if you phrased it in the form of a suggestion. It burns me up when those parents who older children give you those stares like ‘what’s wrong with your child?’ I want to walk to them and “Look, nothing is wrong with her. She’s not ADD or ADHD. She’s just 18 months even though she could pass for 3 year old. And she is not going to behave like a grown up. She’s tired and having moment. Get over it move on. If not we can take this to the parking lot!”
I miss the times when I was younger and the village really did work raise the kids. Mothers weren’t in competition. Fathers weren’t really walking out on their families as often it seemed. I fear that our nation has become so corrupt and worry about what motherhood will be like when and if my daughter decides to have kids. I shudder and pray that change comes and that more people will start adopting that ‘It Takes a Village’ stance again.
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I try to give other moms I see having issues with their kids the “been there, totally feel for you look” I hope it makes them feel a bit better about the tantrum they are dealing with or what have you
Nothing worse than unsolicited advice or looks of disapproval. We have to stick together, right?
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I love the way you said this. I have been there. I live in an area of the country where the culture deems it acceptable to stop people in the grocery store and criticize their parenting skills. I have come home from more than one grocery trip in tears. It is so frustrating because people don’t understand why I do the things I do because they don’t understand my little girl. I know how you feel.
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Very nicely put. You are such a good mommy, Heather. You will figure out how to help your daughter. And only you will know truly what she needs. I hate the judgement of other moms. It is hard to learn to not listen, but it looks like you have that figured out!
Another mom who can relate! I think I have mentioned before about my daughter and her developmental disabilities. I get the same look from parents. One time I even told someone who was giving me “the look” in the grocery store “If you think you can do a better job than have at it”. People are so judgemental, and they think just because is yelling, screaming, acting out,crying, etc, that the parents must not be doing something right, when in fact sometimes there is more to the story, sometimes these kids have no other way to express themselves, people need to be more accepting,quit judging, and as the old saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t.
Well put! Those looks and comments always set me on edge. You are the best mom she could ask for and you know what is best for her. Not continuing a dialogue with “those women” sounds like the best step in keeping your peace of mind.
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yes, yes, and yes. My daughter is older– 51/2 –but I get the looks all the time. I remember that in my early teaching days, I was quick to judge parents whose kids seemed to run circles around them at school functions. Now, I am one of those parents–and I cringe at the comments like “she is so spirited.” or, “it is better for her to have a personality than be a wallflower.” (and those are some of the nicer ones). One size does not fit all— and what works on one day, may or may not work the next day.
Sending you virtual hugs!
Touche! You just said everything that I’ve been thinking about when I’ve been out in public with my twins for the last 2 years~ Love you, Theta mom.
My heart goes out to you and your little one. With or without developmental challenges, EVERY child and EVERY mother has experienced public breakdowns of epic proportions. The parent’s who seize that opportunity to stand on the backs of a temporarily broken mother, in order to improve their dismal view, are vultures. My mother has always said that when it comes to raising children, “it takes a village”. Those who can’t make a positive contribution to the welfare of our children and the men and women who surrender the best of themselves every day to care for them, best relocate to another town. I wish you strength and peace on your journey.