I have been really struggling the last few months with my 20 month-old daughter. I have not blogged about it since I have been unable to find the right words and quite frankly, I’m still trying to strike a balance between sharing my experience and staying somewhat private at the same time especially since it directly relates to her health – so I know I will find the right space in due time.
But I would like to share a few words with some people in public (and some directly in my life) that seem to have it all figured out. They are so quick to judge me and my daughter and to them I need to say:
When I’m at the doctor’s office, leave your snarky behavior at the door. I can’t stand the looks given to us from the adults without children as well as some of the receptionists. My little girl tries her best to be “good” in a space that is simply not made for children so cut us a break. We’re doing the best damn job we can.
When I’m at the store and my daughter is screaming please don’t glare at me like I am not doing enough, like I am some kind of “bad” mother. Don’t stare at me as if I have “no control” over my child. Instead of giving me such nasty looks offer me a smile or perhaps a few words of encouragement. Obviously, I am really struggling in the situation so your glares and stares are just adding to the drama.
When I’m out in public and my daughter throws a tantrum with full body movements that lasts for minutes don’t act like you’ve never been there before. Don’t look at me like I am a freak and my child is even more freakish. Don’t stop and stare and don’t judge me OR her. It wasn’t that long ago when you walked down that same road so just because your child is a teenager now don’t act like you haven’t been right where I am.
When I’m in your company and especially if I meet you for the first time, please don’t offer me advice when I don’t ask for it unless you are my own mother. I don’t care that your “picky eater” suddenly began to eat certain foods because of some miracle that you tried. Don’t act like you know the magic bullet that will help my kid or that your “advice” will automatically work just because you reached success with it. What worked for your child does not necessarily mean it will work for mine because motherhood is NOT one size fits all.
And although I used to enjoy conversing with other moms about the challenges of motherhood, the kind of attitude I have been getting lately feels more judgemental than supportive so I refuse to continue any kind of dialogue with these women. And I chose to publish this post because I know there are tons of other Theta Moms reading this right now who have experienced these SAME conversations with THOSE moms. This is exactly why I love my blog so much because I know that YOU get it.
The bottom line is that I am trying to cope the only way I know how on so many levels. This has been a part of motherhood I never knew existed nor experienced up until now.
So unless you’ve walked at least five minutes in my shoes don’t pass judgment on me or my daughter – because we are doing the best damn job we can right now.
You KNOW I have been there and done that.
Here are my 2 cents. It sounds like you are letting it get to you. By even asking to not be judged you have not yet transcended to the “I truly could care less stage.” Ha! I say that because Autism has gotten me to that stage. It was actually a pretty quick transition. I used to be the snarky look giver. Even the teacher who didn’t get it. But at about 18 months we had been through so much in public that I was able to go to that next level where I don’t even need to say don’t judge, I just don’t even notice anymore.
You ARE doing a damn good job!!!
.-= Mommy To Two Boys´s last blog ..Doesn’t a red light mean STOP? =-.
You have summed it up perfectly once again. Love the title, too—I’m right there with you. I commented about something like this on someone’s blog today….about how just a smile/wink, or even someone reassuring me that she’s been there and knows how hard it is, etc….can mean so much. But people who act all pissy are just plain rude and wrong.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..So, it’s official! I’m Top Mommy Blogger of the Year! =-.
Best Mom Post I’ve read this week! Exactly how so many moms feel! I have an adopted Russian boy who I brought home at age 9.5 months. The Russians warned me he would be emotional. He sobbed in his sleep every night for the first 6 months. Not crying because he was hungry, cold, wet, poopie, thirsty, etc. Happy during the day. Sobbing in his sleep at night.
Did Parenting magazine help? No
Did helpful friends advice work? No
Did ANYTHING I DID WORK? No
No one has written a manual on how to handle an emotional baby who has been moved from a Russian orphanage to the US and is dealing with his prior life/his new life.
I drank a lot and popped a lot of migraine meds!
When my son is having one of his “bad” days, I just want to hide. I want to hide from the same people you mention who glare. Even if they don’t say it, you know they’re judging. Of course, my mother-in-law does make comments (in front of him I might add) and I hate it!
.-= All You Need is Love´s last blog ..Catastrophes Avoided =-.
Something to remember, folks arent always trying to be “judgemental” when they offer you a word of advice or tell you what worked for them, sometimes they are truly just trying to be helpful to a fellow mother. I get what your saying though, sometimes people dont think before they speak and it all comes out very very wrong AND sometimes we are so upset and burnt out that we take it the wrong way. My son is the king of showing out in public, we have had our fair share of complete and total meltdowns and its the worst to see the glaring eyes of passersby, it makes me SOOO angry, especially right in that moment when im already upset at the situation….I just have to ignore it, because otherwise, it drives you to a point you dont want to go.
Just keep your head up and know that no matter what anyone says and no matter the looks from strangers, you are doing the very best that you can do and that is ALL that matters!
Oh we get the stares too…although for a totally different reason. Ah, and the “picky eater” one too, although my son is tube fed so you can imagine the “advice” I get. Hang in there, from someone who has BTDT!
.-= Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last blog ..Barnyard Petting Zoo =-.
Strangely enough I just wrote a post on the same thing today and then stumbled across your’s …great minds think alike!!
Anyways, I could not agree more with what you are saying! Motherhood is hard enough without other mothers judging you. Thanks for a great post!!
Here is the link to my post
http://www.sassysillyspunkymomma.com/2010/06/club.html
.-= SassySillySpunkyMomma´s last blog ..M-E-S-S-Y =-.
I know how you feel, I was and still am experiencing these situations even though my son is a teenager. Hang in there… you are an awesome mom, I have read all your posts.
.-= Natacha´s last blog ..I love reading … =-.
Oh Heather. Bravo. Yes, yes and yes. Judgement is yucky with no kind motive or purpose. The best damn job you can right now. Exactly. Keep up the awesome work of being fabulous you. xoxo
.-= musingsdemommy´s last blog ..Parallels =-.
I’m with you on this. My daughter decided that she was going to throw a full blown tantrum in Walmart the other day. This woman glared at me and made noises under her breath. She obviously never had kids. I hope things get better for you….Hugs!
.-= Nichol´s last blog ..Friendly Friday! =-.
It’s horrible because I have been THAT person. The starer. I know shame on me! But now I’ve become the staree. Call it karma. It took me awhile (after much prodding from my husband) but I figured out that it shouldn’t really matter what they’re staring. Maybe they are good stares, like from someone who empathizes and wants to find a way to help. If not, screw them! As if they’ve never had kids, nor were one. We all have to endure a screaming child at one point or another, if not, then you were probably were one!
.-= Addicted2Shius´s last blog ..TGIF — Not So Much =-.
SO TRUE. As moms we are so quick to judge aren’t we? I catch myself in the act from time to time. Wish we could all just be understanding and supportive. Thanks for hitting on a SUPER important topic!!! And thanks for your comment too 😉
.-= Arms Wide Open´s last blog ..We are all different. =-.
It’s horrible how as women we seem to judge each other instead of supporting one another. I always believe that you never know what someone’s situation is so you have no right to judge. Maybe instead of judging someone we should ask if there is something we can do to help. This was a great post. Always know that you are doing the best you can, that’s all any of us can do. And anyone who judges you is not worthy of your friendship.
You said it mama. It’s just amazing how we get overloaded by opinions and prejudice and judgement for the simple act of deciding to bear and raise children. Why are our bumps/babies public property? Is it some kind of biological or social throwback?
And frankly half the time even my own mother’s advice is uncalled for, let alone anybody else’s! Here’s a sympathetic smile and virtual hug from across the ocean.
.-= Babes about Town´s last blog ..What’s Burning Wednesday: Who’s the Daddy? =-.
This brought tears to my eyes…because my children and I have been judged as well. I am mom three children one of which had special needs (not implying your daughter does) but this affected our entire family especially my son – our special little girl’s big brother. Having a sister with a terminal illness is something which deeply affected him and we faced so many pointed fingers along the way. It hurt. Because no one was walking in our shoes. We were doing the best we could – for each of our blessed children. Our little bit of a girl passed away five years ago but the things our two living children carry in their hearts affects them on a daily basis. I remember when you started your blog and always felt I would like you if I met you in person. Let those negative comments roll off your back. You know who you are and you are incredible for speaking truth and being real.
.-= Mama Grits aka Kim´s last blog ..Seaweed, snakes and bulldozers. I mean..the beach. =-.
I can totally relate to this post in every single way. I’ve been through this more times than I care to count.
.-= Tonya´s last blog ..A Dad’s Love =-.
Just like your recent your post on other moms talking bad about your blog and having to ignore them. The same goes for those moms and people out in public. I know how much harder it is when it’s your child. Mama Bear comes out and wants to protect. I often find myself trying to explain my daughters behavior and have recently realized I don’t know these people, they don’t need nor deserve an explanation. When it’s 30 degrees outside and my daughter is in sweats (sometimes even shorts) and short sleeve t-shirt and crocks(not the winter ones), it’s none of their business. My daughter is happy and she has wiinter clothes available to her. LEAVE US ALONE!! When she doesn’t know you and you walk up to her to touch her hair or get in her personal space and she pulls away from you, she’s not being rude, she doesn’t like to be touched but on her terms. LEAVE HER ALONE!
great post, this i why i read theta mom
I hate judgemental people… I know that sometime I may come across as one(ie, breastfeeding, not crying it out), but i do have compassion… Every mother tries their best… what works for my family might not work for yours…etc…
great post!
.-= Nadia´s last blog ..Fun with Rice – Great Learning Opportunities =-.
I am SO glad I found you blog. I could have written this post myself. I’m going to guess that you are also dealing with a food aversion. My 19 month-old son has been struggling with eating since he was an infant. At 1 year he was diagnosed with a food aversion, at the time he ate NO solids. He is still a beyond horrible eater and painfully tiny for his age. It’s a constant battle. If one more mother of a so-called “picky” eater askes me, “Have you tried ___ ?” I may snap.
Jessica,
Been there, done that and got the T-shirt…
Yes, if another person suggested one more food to me, I would be snapping right there with you!
I just got around to reading this post today…not sure how I missed it…but I have to say BRAVO for your attitude and take on this situation. I have family that insist that they know everything and would swear that they could write a Parenting Book. Puh-lease. Like you said, unless you’ve walked a mile…keep your mouth shut.
Two Cheers! I have a 3 year old daughter and 1 year old son, so our house is ‘fun chaos’. We went to a trip to Walmart when my son was about 5 months, and my daughter was in her fabulous 2’s……she wanted to pick out bandaids, and I only let her have one box. She THREW herself on the floor as we checked out, screamed, cried, which got my son going….we were quite the scene. I just remained calm and checked out. I thought the elder lady that was checking us out would have some compassion, give me a knowing smile and say, I’ve been there. Instead, she looked and me and said, What’s wrong with your children?
Found your site from Confessions of Dr. Mom’s site. Great blog, and you know what, good for you for putting it all out there in your post. I wrote one a few weeks ago about people getting on my case about not breastfeeding. Little did any of them know what we had went through to try to do it. People don’t know everything and I believe the people that pass the most judgement are usually the ones that are failing themselves and do it to make themselves feel better (just like bully’s in middle school..). I’m your newest follower.
Have a great day!
Thank you so much for this. I nearly went postal on a Home Depot employee who tried to tell me to restrain my toddler. I was in the process of doing so at that exact moment. Don’t get in the middle of my parenting.