When I saw this story aired on television recently I have to admit I was a bit taken back…
Tara Conner, the former Miss USA, is now speaking publicly about her path of drug addiction and self-destructive behavior. Tara recently shared that at one point she was popping thirty pills a day to mask the pain of her own depression. She even admitted to cutting her body as she said it was a way for her to “control” the pain. She’s been quoted saying, “I never really had my own identity with anything because the longer I used drugs my authentic self just continued to drop down.” She has since come to learn that through the recovery process, “Even if you don’t love yourself at all, other people do love you.” She says she’s working on loving herself now.
As I was watching Tara share her story all I could do was think – what if this was my daughter? Here is this gorgeous woman who has been “beautiful” all of her life but all the while she was literally dying inside. From one looking in from the outside, you would think that she was a confident, self-assured woman and one who loves herself. Apparently, this could not have been further from the truth.
She has openly admitted to being high throughout most of the pageants she was competing in just to get her through the day. She was even using at the time of her appearance in Miss USA. She explained how she would put on this charming, happy face as this other “persona” allowed her to forget who she really was for the moment. All she wanted to do was numb the pain and forget about the lie that she was living. How could someone so “beautiful” appearing to have so much going for her be so down and emotionally distraught on the inside?
I’m not Dr. Phil and I am not writing this post to analyze her life. We all have baggage and problems that we need to work through and she is certainly trying to put the pieces of her life back together and I admire her for coming clean. But the reason I want to address this is because it just reinforces the fact that the media sometimes makes it so damn hard to be a female. Girls are influenced at such a very young age and Tara Conner is certainly an example of that; not even the beauty queen wearing the crown is who you really think she is – for her, that beautiful image was all just an external world in which she created and controlled pretty well but to all the young girls watching, they didn’t see the reality of the lie that she was living. All they saw was a “beautiful” girl, a big smile and that stunning crown…
And then I think of Heidi Montag. Why the hell did this young woman perform ten plastic surgeries at the age of 23? To advance in her so-called career? For fame and media attention? Is she insecure and not content with herself especially being under the influence and microscope of the Hollywood spotlight? I would bet to say all of the above. The bottom line is somehow, somewhere along the way she clearly has some inner emotional issues to address because this is just not normal. Another case of a “beautiful” woman who really does even know what true beauty is.
This is exactly why I absolutely love Dove and The Campaign for Real Beauty designed to enrich the lives of young women everywhere with self-esteem programs. THIS is the message we should be sending our daughters and THAT is essentially what I want for my own.
I want my daughter to love and appreciate every ounce of her body. I want her to respect herself and grow to become a confident, self-assured and well articulated woman of the world.
I don’t want her to be insecure about any “inadequacies” even though I know this may be a struggle. We have to stop this negative talk and redefine what true beauty is. Although I don’t have the perfect body, I’ve come a long way of loving it after having two babies and working through those issues. More than anything, I want my daughter to love herself for every single beautiful thing she is. I want her to appreciate what she offers the world and relish in the fact that she is special because she IS a beautiful human being.
I love her more than she’ll ever know but the one wish I have for my daughter is for her to love herself; the beautiful person she is right now as well as the beautiful person she will become.
I also want to wish each and every mother reading my blog right now a wonderful Mother’s Day because although our work is never done, this is our special day to celebrate the beautiful lives we have been blessed with. I am so grateful for the time you take to read and comment on my blog, so thank you for being such an integral part of this journey with me…
So here’s to a fabulous and well deserved Mother’s Day Theta Moms – and here’s to our daughters finding true beauty within themselves.
This hit pretty close to home with me. I’ve struggled all my life it seems with body confidence—not so much self esteem, but LIKING my body. It wasn’t till our daughter started eating table food that I realized that if I didn’t want her to follow in my footsteps, then I better get over myself pretty quick. She’s 16 now, 4 inches taller than me and rocks the self-confidence department (if I do say so myself). She has told me that she loves being strong enough to break boards in her tae kwon do class, that she loves her long running strides, that she feels comfortable in her own skin. That, to me, is the greatest Mother’s Day gift of all!
Happy Mother’s Day, and thank you for yet another thought provoking post!
.-= Katie’s Dailies´s last blog ..Build-A-Bear (or, A Little Shop of Horrors) =-.
I LOVE the DOVE Campaign…I’ve made a point to watch it with my 11 year old as often as necessary (you know, to make sure she really understands;). Funny thing is, she is often quick to point out photo editing on magazines as we are in the check-out line at the grocery store. {{Great post!}}
.-= Liz McLachlan´s last blog ..Cake Avalanche… =-.
Oh, so well said. I watched the young beauty queen, Tara on Oprah the other day and was so saddened. It got me thinking about how I can keep my daughter’s self esteem high and how I can show her that she is so beautiful and amazing. I try to do that every day (I can’t help it! She IS amazing, lol!) and I think the best thing we can do as mothers is just really and truly believe in our kids. If they have that sense of support, then I think it really can head off problems in the future.
.-= kate @ sweet cricket stationery´s last blog ..Product Spotlight: Flutter Home Collection =-.
If I ever do have a daughter I hope I am able to help her see that she is beautiful no matter what…especially to those that love her! Thanks again for the guest post. It’s a huge hit even with our non mommy bloggers!
this is a lovely post. I have three daughters and how(!) and they are each beautiful, talented amazing people and it is so crazy watching them in this world. I hope and pray I can guide them through even as I stumble blindly along this road.
.-= Cailin Yates´s last blog ..Badajoz Spain, a few memories =-.
Thanks so much for sharing that Cailin! I’m with you – praying I am doing enough as they travel this bumpy road.
Wow this is a fabulous post! I was so taken with Tara Connor’s story. It really shows that beauty doesn’t equate with happiness. I do not have children yet but I often think and worry about what kind of mother I would be. I hope that I would be able to guide and help them be happy, confident people who are able to make the right choices in life.
Also just wanted to say that I’m so happy that I discovered you today. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and for leaving the sweet comment. I loved your guest post on BonBon Rose Girls and I’m really loving your blog & look forward to following along
Hope you have a wonderful weekend & Happy Mother’s Day! xoxo
Dawn
.-= Dawn {The Alternative Wife}´s last blog ..Happy {Award Filled} Friday! =-.
Hey you-
Sorry it has been so long since I last posted on your blog. I just read the blog below and now this one and I just have to give you a big pat on the back. You are such a wonderful blogger and such an inspiration. It is amazing how many people our words can touch and I have missed reading your blog. Somehow it got deleted off my blogroll. Thank you for posting this!!!!
.-= Juliana´s last blog ..Not All SuperHeroes Wear Capes! =-.
my almost two year old pretends to put on lipstick. she’ll mime smearing her lips with a crayon, and then she’ll dash off to the mirror and gaze at herself. while it is (RIDICULOUSLY) cute, i realize that she’s beginning to pick up on my interests in makeup and the like. so now, i have to really watch myself because even though i spend an inordinant amount of time banishing the sleepless nights from beneath my eyes, i want her to love herself for who she is, and not ‘inherit’ my beauty issues.
.-= The Crazy Baby Mama´s last blog ..The Lonesome Valley =-.
“I want her to love herself for who she is, and not ‘inherit’ my beauty issues.” <—-Amen girl! I love my makeup, too and so it's walking a fine line, don't you think? Thanks so much for your comment.
One of the strongest empowerments you can give a girl is their sense of self. And in this day and age, it is a tough battle, indeed. Magazines glorify skin and bones and girls get this sense of perfection from photoshopping.
I have 3 daughters. I also have 3 sisters. One of my sisters had a serious eating disorder while growing up. For far too long, we watched her torment her body. During a heart to heart one time, I asked her if she knew why she had even begun starving herself. She said, “Because the rest of you girls are thin and people always complimented you on your skinny figures and I wanted to be just like you.” My sister, for the record, was an average, healthy girl. At her heaviest, she was probably a size 8. The rest of my sisters and I had no meat on our bones. Skinny to the point of scrawny. The ironic thing was I, for one, wanted to have her curves. Why were people encouraging the ultra thin and ignoring the beautiful healthy girl standing next to us?
Women in our culture and country are not brought up to see the real beauty that they possess. We are held up to idyllic standards and there is nothing sadder.
I have 3 daughters with 3 very different shapes and I believe that each of them is happy with themselves. It hasn’t been easy. I have no scale in my house. I check myself constantly making sure I try not to diminish myself or talk about my disappointment over my weight gains with them. I tell them each and every day how extraordinary they are. Sometimes I compliment their hair or their beautiful face, but more oftentimes than not, I compliment them on their good grades, their leadership abilities, their soccer skills, their good hearts.
I think it’s working.
I was in the car with my middle girl the other day and she pulled the mirror down to look at herself. As she did, she smiled for the mirror and then said, “I could so see myself as a celebrity.” Ahem. No self esteem issues there.
I’m sorry to have done some hijacking here. This issue just speaks to me from my heart. Good luck with your sweet girl. With a mom with such insight, she’ll be just fine.
.-= joann mannix´s last blog ..Friday Follow: When Will I Ever Get What I Want For Mother’s Day? =-.
Joann – You can come hijack here anytime you wish! lol
“Sometimes I compliment their hair or their beautiful face, but more oftentimes than not, I compliment them on their good grades, their leadership abilities, their soccer skills, their good hearts. ” <—–This is the kind of thing we HAVE to do to redefine what 'true' beauty is and having THEM find it within themselves.
Thanks again for your awesome comment.
As always, an excellent post, Heather. As the mother of two daughters, I fear this type of scrutiny and the path to which it can ultimately lead. It seems to start very young in girls these days…like 6 or 7 years old. Very scary.
I’m an avid exerciser, but I try to stress to my daughters that I do it to stay healthy not to be stick thin (which I am not, btw!). Women (and girls) need to be taught to celebrate their bodies…not constantly try to change them.
Theta Mom, you are so right. I don’t have daughters but my wish for all the daughters of the world is the same, to love themselves. Getting to place where we can truly accept our our strengths and weaknesses is a personal journey and one that we all struggle with at some point. Raising confident children is the hardest job in the world and for those of us who are trying, cheers!
.-= Your Mommy Friend Lori´s last blog ..The Women Rules =-.
It IS the hardest job!!! Hope you had a fabulous Mother’s Day mama!
.-= Theta Mom´s last blog ..V is for Violets: The Epic Parent Fail =-.
amen, SISTER and thanks for sharing this!
Amen sister! That was a great post and really hit home with the fact that I need to stop putting myself down for not being in the same pair of jeans I wore in high school 5 yrs ago. I do not want my daughter to see that kind of attitude. I know she is only 9mo old but you have to start somewhere, and I am starting here. Thanks and happy mothers day!
Please visit me at novicemommie.blogspot.com
Coming by to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day…relax because we deserve it:)
.-= Nichol´s last blog ..Ryka Women’s Intensity XT3 Crosstraining Shoe Sale! =-.
I’m so glad you stopped by my blog because I am so appreciative of this post. I agree with all your sentiments. It’s ridiculous what people do to their bodies- and how it is almost encouraged by others. What doctor would ethically do that to Heidi Montag? What about her emotional health?
I wrote about loving our bodies on my blog. It also might be of interest for you not just because of what I wrote but also the comments from others. It’s amazing what some people go through.
I saw Tara on Oprah and it was pretty unbelievable. I don’t have a daughter, but have the challenge of raising my son to respect women of all shapes and sizes and to see that true beauty is more than what’s on the surface….
I listed you!
.-= Jaclyn Rubly´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
I was one of the lucky ones who actually got to work on the Dove real beauty campaign when i worked at Unilever. It was the most inspiring work I’ve EVER dreamed of doing and honestly, the brand put their HEARTS and soles into that campaign. The research we did was amazing… speaking to women of all walks of life and we were amazingly proud of what came of it all and how we literally stopped people in their tracks when we showed them our new advertising for the first time. It truly resonated. With women, girls, AND men.
As far as Axe being owned by the same company…. it wasn’t a Unilever campaign. It was a Dove campaign. And as awful as this sounds, as with any business, it was a BUSINESS. Meant to make money. Dove knew they’d make money by touching the hearts of WOMEN (their target market) and Axe knows they’ll make money by reaching teenage boys even if it means going against the Dove message. Not that I agree with it, but I do GET it.
Great post Heather. And having a daughter it really hits home. It’s what makes me most nervous about having a daughter. As much as I love having a girl and know we will have a wonderful bond, there’s a lot of scary stuff out there for girls and it’s hard to know how to give them the confidence they need to steer them clear of it all.
.-= becca´s last blog ..This Mom thing =-.
Becca – Thank you so much for your insight and after reading your comment, I “get it” as well.
And raising our daughters will be the toughest job yet – I think it’s so important that we begin the dialogue with them at a young age – thanks so much for sharing.
.-= Theta Mom´s last blog ..V is for Violets: The Epic Parent Fail =-.
So sad, the pressure on young girls and women these days. It starts young, with the ‘baby’ pageants. Mommy’s want to turn their little girls into the Barbie dolls they wish they could have been. How about an emphasis on spirituality, giving and being a part of something bigger than ourselves? I came across this blog yesterday about a mom who just lost her beautiful 19 year old daughter and the pain she is going through. Thought I would share it: http://mybigredshoe.blogspot.com/
Blessings!-Lisa
I love Dove’s campaign too. It’s *so* needed for our girls.
I think the best thing we can do for our daughters is to not only show them how much we love them (all of them, flaws included), is to love ourselves as well. They see us when we turn in the mirror and frown at our reflections. They notice when we talk about how much we would love a little nip here or a little tuck there. They watch as we melt down after a bad haircut or dye job. It’s easy to love our children and tell them how beautiful they are, it’s a lot harder to do the same for ourselves.
You know another thing I couldn’t help but notice was the parallel between what you were saying in this post and my blog content too. (Wow! Who would guess I’d be saying that!) What Tara Connor did is exactly what lots and lots of children of divorce do every day. We put on the veneer. We project exactly what is expected. And then we succeed as a coping mechanism to not actually deal with all the stuff we are actually dealing with. But the veneer and the success doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there.
Now just tell that to the experts who write that kids of divorce are no better off then children of intact families because they finish school, hold jobs and get married. Silly, isn’t it?
.-= The Grown-Up Child´s last blog ..Spoiled by divorce? You’ve got to be kidding. =-.
This post really hit home, Heather, because I think about how many insecurities I had as a girl growing up and then I look at my niece and how involved she is with her own self-image. I look at the media and the messages it sends, how things have intensified for this generation with the proliferation of shows, reality ‘makeover’ specials, music video ‘hotties’ and the like and it just terrifies me. Here in England we have girls aspiring to be nothing more than WAGs (wives and girlfriends of soccer stars) because they think the glamour, money etc is the pinnacle of what they can achieve. I love the Dove campaign and will always champion any efforts to raise girls who are strong, individuals and not chasing the illusion of whatever the media tells us ‘beauty’ is. I could rant on! But I won’t, just to add thanks for posting this.
.-= Babes about Town´s last blog ..Win a Papoozle Baby Sling! =-.
This is terrible, and not the kind of comment I know you are looking for, but I have to say, I am happy to have boys! There are so many times throughout my week that I say that. I see girls being promiscuous, wearing so few clothes, being boy toys, and I just can’t imagine how hard it must be to be the mom of a girl.
Not that boys are easy, but it is different. I just have to be sure that my boys are respectful of girls! But if I had a girl I would feel this huge need to protect her. Oh, and my husband would probably lock her in the basement from the ages of 13-20.
.-= Mommy To Two Boys´s last blog ..ADHD Linked to Pesticides! =-.