The following article was co-written by myself and the amazing JennyMac. This was the first time I have ever co-written a blog post and I am so proud of the way it turned out. Everyone knows how much I admire JennyMac…
Recently, we read an article about women and motherhood. One interesting comment included in the reader feedback was that once we become mothers, our children come first before everything else.
As mothers, we had some interesting dialogue about this exact sentiment. Within our social circles are women who are mothers and women who are not. Amongst our “mom” circles, our friends and colleagues are not simply “stay at home moms” or “working moms.” We know we are all working moms. We are either moms who work inside the home or moms who work inside and outside the home.
If you have not stayed home all day with children planning meals, learning, playtime, exercise (for hopes of naptime) and teaching words, songs, states and manners, we can assure you it does not fit into a one hour shell and the rest of the time your kiddos do not take care of themselves while you blog on your computer in between Days of our Lives and your 30 Day Shred. And if you spend most of your daylight hours working outside the home, you come home and in the small space of time before bedtime, you need to incorporate as many of the above items in between checking your Blackberry and deciding who is making dinner. We know. We have both been moms who work at home and moms who work both inside and outside the home.
And with all of the goals we create for ourselves as moms, where do our personal priorities fall once we add “Parent” to our resume? Should our children always come before ourselves? Do we stop dreaming just because we have children? Or do we dream but not act on those dreams?
We admire women that chase after a dream such as starting their own business or establishing themselves as entrepreneurs all in the midst of raising a family. Would it be fair to judge these women who clearly have paved a path for themselves? Are women who climb the corporate ladder and really establish themselves in their career doing that in exchange of or in addition to being a ‘good’ mom?
As long as these women are clearly present in their children’s lives and raise happy, healthy kids – why should it matter?
Theta Mom shares this: A dear friend of mine is the principal of an elementary school. Her dream was to become an administrator and now she is living that dream while raising three kids. My sister-in law is another perfect example of a woman who established herself in her position while balancing the demands of raising a family. She has climbed the corporate ladder and worked extremely hard to get where she is. She’s earned it, she deserves it and if you ask her children they wouldn’t want it any other way.
JennyMac shares this: While in college, my mom opened her own business which grew into an incredibly successful company. Watching her in action provided several great lessons that are still part of my business acumen today. And she still made the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever eaten. To me, it was proof that I could execute both roles, and do them well if that was what I chose.
And every day, many high profile female lawyers, doctors, all well educated and trained women leave it all behind to raise their children. This is a conscious decision made by these women and the reasons for staying home clearly outweigh the reasons for pursuing their careers for them. It takes a lot of guts to leave a high paying job with fabulous opportunities behind as well as all of the hard work, time, money and education that went into achieving these positions. And we know women who are simply putting a hold on some of their pursuits while they stay home right now. Several friends have gone back to work and continued their career choices once their kids started school. It is all about making it work for you and your family. But how do you decide?
Theta Mom shares this: I don’t care whether you work outside the home, are a WAHM or a SAHM, I don’t think anyone has it any easier. There are positives and negatives to each of these roles. I worked full-time beginning when my son was 11 months-old with a 3 hour commute and it was brutal getting out in the morning with my infant boy, commuting, working a full day and then trying to find a way to spend some quality family time as well as get everything done. For me, I was unable to keep up with this lifestyle. I’m truly blessed to have found a way to use my graduate degree and work from home, still pursuing my passion while raising my children. But that doesn’t mean women who choose to work outside the home should be looked upon as any less of a mom or as a mom that it too into herself or her career – some women HAVE to work in order to put food on the table and I am certainly one of them.
JennyMac shares this: I took a year off when we had MiniMac. I left a high profile attorney position with a Fortune 15 company. I dedicated that year off of the corporate treadmill to learning to be a mom. And I loved it. But after one year, I wanted to reengage in the corporate sector. And I am glad I returned. For me, working is a great way to continue to hone my skills, pursue my interests, and my free time outside of work is focused on self growth, my family, and my dreams. And I do have dreams. What kind of example would I be if I didn’t? And they are not just gauzy dreams as I watch clouds float by. My dreams are things I am pursuing every day.
But we both know this: Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. Period.
And we are just two examples that your road to success and happiness and being a great role model for your children are not separate forks. We think we should continue to dream big and do what works for us as individuals AND mothers – isn’t this the message we want to send to our children, especially our daughters? This is comprised of what we learned as children and what we continue to learn as women and parents.
But we know it is a full time balancing act. We want to raise smart, well defined, kind, ambitious young people and we are the first examples of this our children will see. How do all of us find the balance between self and parent? And how do we answer the question: Are we women or mothers first?
Wow. I wish I could write as well as you. This is a great post. I don’t think there will be one correct answer to your question. I think every person will see it differently, because some mothers give their entire selves to their children and some hold on to a shred of where they came from to continue growing as a unique person.
I have a very difficult time with this myself. I would love nothing more than to just be “mom” because I feel like my son deserves that. On the other hand, though, what do I deserve? I do deserve to remain at least a bit of my former self and continue on a path where not only I can help my son become a successful person, but where I can be, and continue to grow to be, an even more successful person. Whether that happens in the home or out of the home doesn’t matter, in my opinion. I would say that as long as we are all happy I have done something right.
.-= Beth @ Laugh Until You Cry´s last blog ..Using our manners – FAIL =-.
I think you are right Beth, everyone will see this differently as everyone’s situation is unique. But having the opportunity to share these perspectives is what makes us reflect on the decisions we have made…thanks for sharing!
What a great collaboration Heather. Thank you. Love the post and enjoyed the experience with you. Looking forward to our collective response and the dialogue it initiates. Have a fabulous day.
.-= JennyMac´s last blog ..Which comes first (and not the chicken OR the egg) =-.
Great post, and I’m sure to be a great discussion as the day goes on. I don’t think of a myself as a woman OR a mother first, these are just two labels that definte parts of me. There are many parts of me that make me whole and I think there are times in life with some parts need to be more dominant than others. Right now for example, my children are very young so the part of me that is mother is in overdrive, trying to meet their every need. But at the same time, the part of me that is woman, and self, and individual is in overdrive, trying very hard to keep from getting lost in the shuffle that is a chaotic life. I choose to work outside the home, I make that choice for many reasons. But I can tell you, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think this is so hard. I’m doing a really poor job of managing it all, but I continue to plug away because it is important to me and my family that I do. It’s a very complex relationships that we have as mothers in the world isn’t it? We all live the same and yet different experiences. I’m delighted to have opportunities like to read what others have to say. I’ll be stopping by often throughout the day to see how the conversation unfolds.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Blogtrotting =-.
Moms first, at least until the kids are somewhat self sufficiant. Great post!
I posted over at JennyMac too.
For me, if I weren’t a woman I wouldn’t be a mother (literally Dudes don’t get to be Mommas). Woman & Mother are both part of who I am. I also don’t think of it as balance because if I did that means competing roles, instead I look at it as a continuum.
.-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Enter Persephone =-.
What a brilliant collaboration on this post and it is interesting to discuss about this and the different perspectives. As a mom who has been trying to get back to the ‘working’ world after being a stay at home wife (at first) then a full time mommy, I find it so challenging. Not only it’s hard to find a job and reestablish myself after almost 7 years being out of the work force but I miss my son already when I went out going through my job interviews and tests. Right now to stay at home is not an option so I must brace myself and get a job to support us and someday down the line I can only pray that my son will look at my and understands that his mommy must go back to work to build a better life for him.
Maureen – Nice to know your name! 😉 I know EXACTLY what you are going through, as I left my 11 month-old to return to work because I had no other option, I have to work to keep this home running. The decisions we have to make are tough and I find it comforting to know that other women have gone down this road before and are able to share this perspective. Thanks for sharing yours.
I agree with Leigh..I think it’s hard *not* to be a mother first (whether you work outside the home or not) until the kids inch toward independence. I have no quibbles with people that choose either path – I have done both. I actually just posted on my blog about returning to my pre-kid self for a brief moment this weekend…it was weird!
No matter what one does, the key is in balancing priorities. Sometimes I don’t put myself first enough, and other times I spend too much time focusing on myself and my “me time” or interests. I think this is a challenge for all moms. While I want my kids to see me as my own person with individual strengths and dreams, what I value most about my own mother are the things she did daily to make my life as a child really special and memorable.
http://www.kludgymom.com/2010/05/a-brief-return-to-our-pre-kid-selves.html
Great post! This is such a difficult one. For me, I’m primarily a mother first but my daughter is only 4 months old so this may change further down the line. I’m a SAHM and love it but I do miss some parts of my life before Piglet and have tried to retain some aspect of me, not as a woman but just as ‘me’. I think we all have so many labels that can be applied to us, not just woman and mother, these are all just different parts of me. It’s just that at the moment ‘mummy’ is the predominant part!
.-= Pumpkin and Piglet´s last blog ..4 bottles of Ketchup! =-.
I think that’s the point we are always striving for – to find that balance and make it work for US individually and that definition may look slightly different for each of us and how we find “happiness” between both worlds. Thanks so much for sharing!
I think we need to be women first in order to be the best mothers we can be. Being a mother is hard work. It’s exhausting and to stay on top of everything we need to make sure we are happy too. As our children grow older I think it is our responsiblility to show them that a mom is a complete person. Someone that not only puts her family first but also remembers her needs as well. We all work and sacrifice as mothers and a little “me” time keeps everything in perspective and gives moms that extra boost they need to be “super mom”.
.-= Magically Ordinary´s last blog ..Post it Note Tuesday. The "Brand New Me" Edition =-.
This is a fantastic post! There are so many points you mentioned that hit home to me. I just recently made the transition from being a working mom to staying at home with Bubs. This transition occurred merely 5 days ago.
Am I a mother or a woman first? I don’t think I can simply choose one. I feel like I am on the brink of being the kind of mother I always envisioned myself to be – a stay at home mom. Yet I wouldn’t be in this place had I not dedicated years and years to my career in the workforce.
I feel like I’m answering whether or not the chicken or the egg came first! 😀
Thankfully my profession is one that I can incorporate into home life thanks to technology, should I ever want to incorporate work into my home life. I think it’s admirable that women throughout the decades have strived to help create a social acceptance of any kind of “career,” a woman or mother chooses to take. Full time stay at home, full time work outside of the home, part time and everything in between!
Here is my post about becoming a stay-at-home mom:
http://thewhitebluesky.com/2010/04/a-working-mom-on-the-brink-of-staying-home.html
Thank you for such a good read!
I heard a great quote once “If you want your son to marry a whole woman he has to know what one looks like…” I am a mom first, but I want JDaniel to know what a whole person looks like.
Love this! What a “whole person looks like.” That’s it exactly!
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Blogtrotting =-.
I am both. At different parts of the day.
When I made my blog public the first email I got from a reader was a woman telling me that I should quit my job and stay at home with my kid. It was full of guilt and judgement about how my child wouldn’t know me, I would miss everything, someone else was basically raising her, etc.
I was able to brush it off because I had always been OK with my decision to work. I enjoy it, I’m good at it, and frankly, I have to. That was a decision made long before I got pregnant and I owned it because it was my (our) decision.
I’m still OK with the decision, I think I can raise a well-adjusted, smart, fun, happy child. But I’m starting to feel some of the pressure in keeping my head above water at the office. Because my nights & weekends are devoted to my child, my husband (and my internet), I feel like I’m not keeping up at work.
So, what I want to know is HOW do these working mothers who climb the corporate ladder do it? How do you give 100% to two very different priorities?
.-= Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year´s last blog ..Remember when…. =-.
That is the $1,000,000 question Krista and I bet if you asked the other readers here, you would get some differnent answers because I think it all depends on each person’s unique situation. Can we have it all? We can certainly strive to, but I don’t think we should put so much pressure on ourselves in the process. As long as we find a comfortable balance and contunue to do what makes us happy as a whole, we ARE having it all – don’t you think?
What a beautiful post. It’s absolutley true, no matter which one you choose, it’s difficult. As a mother who works outside the home, I’ve struggled. I’ve struggled to be there for my children, to do well in my job. Sometimes, I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to be everything. I’ve finally made the decision to ccontinue with my job, but to be more low key about it. I may not get the top position, or a promotion, but I can continue to do what I do and have more time with my family.
.-= Katherine´s last blog ..May Day =-.
The balance you’re writing about is a delicate one to find, and not one that I’m sure I’ve found yet. I’m thankful every day that I decided to pursue my Master’s degree before having children, because I can honestly say that I don’t know if I would’ve been able to keep up with the rigors of that curriculum AND raise my son. And now, I have something that I can put to use and work-from-home one day if I choose. However, I love teaching. There’s something about the idea that I’m shaping the future that brings me great joy. However, I love my son, and my heart is with him. I WANT to be the one to teach him where his nose and eyes are, but that role is being filled by someone else at the moment. It’s tough to swallow.
To answer the original question, are we women or mother’s first. I’m a mother. It’s been that way since the day I brought the little guy home. In many ways, this has contributed to my battle with PPD. I found that I was suddenly no longer myself. I was someone new. And I didn’t know who that new someone WAS. In many ways, I still don’t, and my son is a year old. I’m still figuring out how to be a woman again. It’s a “new normal” I’m trying to find.
.-= Miranda´s last blog ..Let’s talk about gender baybee….(that doesn’t have the same ring to it) =-.
Trying to “find” that old self after giving birth is a process…I know I went through it and then I had to find the work balance of maintaining financial stability as well as a happy medium raising the kids – there are so many decisions to make. Thanks for begin a part of this discussion.
This is such a great post, well anything thetamom writes is great! And i am a new reader to jennymac
First off if i have a choice to choose, I am a child of God. And in order after that I would say that my natural instinct then makes me a wife second, a mom third and im not sure comparing those things to being a woman is possible. I am a woman no matter what. God made me a woman so that I can be a wife and mother. I cant wait to read more of this conversation and see how it unfolds.
Alysha – Thank you so much for that about Theta Mom!
And I also liked to read your perspective about being a child of God and how this fits into the whole picture – thanks so much for being a part of the conversation…
I am always a woman and I am always a mother. I have stayed home and I have worked outside the home… I prefer, for so many reasons, to stay at home with my son. But, like Maureen, it’s no longer a viable option for us. No longer a choice.
I think that we can do it all, but I don’t think we should feel we have to – like you said, I think that we need to choose what works for us and our families.
.-= sarahcasm´s last blog ..But, why? =-.
I think that when some women become mothers they put everyone else before themselves, especially their kids. I know that’s how I am. I am trying to put more of an effort into being a woman AND a mom, not just another mom. It can be hard to find the balance between the 2 that works for you. I think we need to continue to dream and act on those dreams more often.
.-= All You Need is Love´s last blog ..Treasury, Midgets, and Working Out =-.
I have struggled with deciding whether I am a mom first or a woman first…and I have finally come to the conclusion for me that I am a woman first…mother second. If I can’t achieve what I need to do to make me the best person I can be, then I can’t take care of my family and make them the best they can be. If I can’t take care of me first (in whatever this entails), then I won’t have what it takes to take care of them. Then the family falls apart.
.-= A Mother’s Hood´s last blog ..Please Don’t Pee on Me =-.
I see myself as a woman first, and like another commenter said, I couldn’t be a mom if I weren’t a woman. I tap into my “womanness” — my ability to have children, my intuitivenes, my nurturing, etc. — to be the best mom I can. I also apply some of those strenghts my marriage and career. For each of us, how we embrace our “womanness” is a deeply personal decision. I agree there is no one right answer, nor is one choice easier than the other.
.-= Diva´s last blog ..The Shoe Diva =-.
I left my thoughts about this over at Let’s Have a Cocktail, but I just wanted to stop by here and say I thought this was an excellent post. You both did an awesome job of writing a thought provoking article.
.-= A Yummy Mummy on a Pink Park Bench´s last blog ..This Book Is Dedicated To… =-.
Thank you so much – I look forward to reading the comments at JennyMac’s as well – thanks for being a part of the discussion.
It definitely is a balancing act and stay at home mom’s do have a full time job. I have realized, while being a work at home mom, stay at home mom AND work outside of the home mom, being a mom comes first. We’re born women, but as soon as we have our kids, the instinctively become our priority above and beyond everything else. Even if you don’t realize it, it’s true. I am actually going to write a blog post on this later on…you’ve inspired me.
http://theartsymom.tk
.-= Krissy @ Artsy Mom´s last blog ..10 Little Things that Lead to a Happier, Healthier You =-.
Wow – that is awesome! I’m thinking maybe others would feel the same…maybe JennyMac and I should host a McLinky for all that want to post and share? Thoughts?
I just came from Jenny Mac’s place and just tweeted this post. It’s amazing. I commented at JM’s that I wish I had a career to go back to. But the joke is on me b/c I do have a career—it’s called being a MOM. I tend to undervalue myself and it’s my own fault (although society tends to do the same, methinks–but which came first THERE—chicken or egg?). I need to change my way of thinking and learn to think more highly of myself and what I do with my kids…..excellent post and I will continue to tweet it throughout the day!!!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Introducing Our New Green Stamp of Approval, or, A Fun Button I Know You’ll Want to Use in Your Own GREEN Post! =-.
What an interesting discussion going on here. I stopped working when our daughter was 5 months old. I probably should’ve continued working—my husband was in the Army at the time, and we definitely needed the extra cash flow with an infant. My husband saw how miserable I was in the mornings packing the diaper bag and getting our girl ready, so we talked about what was at stake: a “better” life with all the trimmings or a Better Life with me at home. Yes, we’ve given up a lot of the trimmings, and yes, it is still a struggle at times, but I know we made the best decision for us. I struggle with feeling like I don’t do enough, monetary wise, to contribute to the family, but Husband is quick to point out the good health of both our kids and the happiness that is our family. I think that what a mother decides to do–to work or stay home–is an intensely personal decision, but one that she feels absolutely confident in.
Thank you for putting this on the table!
.-= Katie’s Dailies´s last blog ..Pearls of Wisdom (Not!) =-.
Such an interesting question. For me – my view on it is this. As Mother’s I think we spend far too much time feeling guilty about taking care of us – this leads to burnout and unhappiness. If I dont take care of myself as a woman first – my kids are not getting the happiest, well balanced mom they deserve.
I am a sahm and still struggling to find the balance between Mom and Woman but I think it is important to find.
.-= Devan @ Accustomed Chaos´s last blog ..Celebrating my 100th Post {with giveaways+coupon codes!} ! =-.
Visiting via JennyMac. I left my comment there. Great post! I am now following! Glad to find you!
Best,
Tina
Thanks so much Tina – I look forward to reading through JennyMac’s comments, too. When the baby takes a nap later, I look forward to checking out your blog!
I don’t think there’s a strict answer to that question. It changes by the moment. When I’m at work, I’m a woman first. but just as soon as the phone rings saying something happened to my baby, I’m a mother first.
.-= Kmama´s last blog ..Nestle Family Giveaway =-.
Bravo – if I’ve learned anything in the 4 years that I’ve been a mom, it’s that there is no “right” way to navigate work and family. It is so personal. And it has to feel right for YOU. I completely changed my mind about being at home and started an entirely new career because I had the opportunity to stay home for a while. Thank you for supporting women who make all kinds of choices as they brave each new stage of motherhood. And yes, I believe we are women first.
I agree Heather, it has to feel right for each of us and that “right” certainly is diffeent for all. There is no cookie cutter way to answer this question, and I love all of the different perspectives. Thanks so much for sharing yours.
Awesome post. I’ve been on both sides of this argument (working out of the home and in the home), and now i’m a stay at home mom who also works from home. I can say with certainty that each situation sucks in its own way, and is great in its own way. Each requires a measure of balance and compromise, and you only learn these things by experiencing them directly. it’s easy to judge other women when you’re not standing in their shoes, but there’s no way to know what anyone else is thinking.
And here’s my answer to your question: I’m a woman first. I was a woman before I became a mother, and I remain one even when I am covered in human feces and other bodily fluids. I have learned that my children are not mere extensions of myself, but completely separate entitities, and I do them no service by giving up my own dreams or desires to “serve” them. I love them more than myself, but I think it’s possible to love someone with everything you have without sacrificing yourself for their happiness.
.-= depressionsandconfessions´s last blog ..it’s my birthweek. =-.
When we became pregnant with our first child, I told my husband that “we” would always come first, as someday the kids would be gone. He reminds me of that now – as for the last 7 years boy is he last on my to-do list. So, I struggle more with how to be a wife/partner more than I struggle with how to be a mom or woman first.
This post is an excellent discussion, and always on our minds as we daily just try to do our best.
Tracy
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..Dress Up =-.
Tracy – I agree, I think this goes back to the age old question about whether to work, stay home, pursue the career…it’s all about finding a balance and making the decisions that work for YOU and nobody else. I think it’s a topic that certainly will always resonate with moms. Thanks for sharing.
For me, finding a balance between at home and outside of home would be ideal now that my children are all school age, although I wish I had been more open to that idea when they were younger. Simply because some days I forgot who I was before I became “mom.” Fortunately I have my teaching certificate and will be wading into the world of substitute teaching. I’ll take it one day at a time, and see if it is a fit for me and my family. I wish I had discovered blogging when I had that first baby. It wouldn’t have been quite as lonely.
Dana
.-= Bungalow’56´s last blog ..How A Shelf Made A Difference…Kumbaya =-.
It’s a chicken/egg question. I’ve often felt like I can’t win, but lately I’ve shifted my focus to “I can’t lose.” I’ve actually written a couple of posts, one on judgement and one on dream jobs, that stemmed in part from thinking about this question.
For me, choosing to be a mother means that I am a mom above all else right now. But I don’t feel like it’s a mutually exclusive roll. I can be Mom and I can also be wife, friend, daughter, sister, employee, employer, dreamer… My kids come first, because let’s face it – I have a responsibility to do what’s right for them (and also, I love their little heads to pieces). But I refuse to get so wrapped up in mothering that I forget who I am outside of mommyhood. That’s not fair to anyone.
I think we need to support the decisions our friends and family make regarding how they approach life as mothers AND women. It doesn’t look the same for everyone (how boring would that be?).
You’re right it isn’t the same for everyone and that’s why I love this conversation so much! Thanks for your thoughts and adding to the convo!
Heather and Jenny, this post is so timely as I have unsuccessfully been writing about this myself. Maybe this along with Loukia’s motherhood linkup will give me the push to finish my thoughts.
The problem is that I miss work every single day but I am unable to fathom not spending the time with my kids. My husband and I both worked in Investment Banking and when I left things were still really good but as we all know the financial sector has taken a huge hit. I feel like I should go back to work to help out but I can’t figure out if it will help or hurt in the long run. I don’t know if taking a new full time job will curb my dreams of doing something more independent and related to children.
With 3 kids 3 and under I have dreamed of launching a couple of different children’s products but have not found the time to get a patent and a sample made and then start all the marketing and production! I also value having tons of time with my family and I really have grown to need my online friendships as well. I think, for me, that going back to corporate america would crush a lot of the things I am passionate about doing. I will do it if I have to, I just do not want to.
I want to be a mother and a woman and be a shining example to my children of both. I do not want them to see me unhappy if I can help it. I have spent the last few nights crying a little and trying to create a plan that might let me continue to pursue a WAHM lifestyle, but it will be hard. All of the choices are hard. Motherhood is amazing, but it is never easy.
Thank you for this post. I will link back up to it when I post mine. At least it wil not be wet with tears on the screen. If I turned it in as a paper the ink would be all smudged!
xoxo
Brittany
.-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Everyone Do the Beach Dance =-.
Brittany – You are so talented and I can totally see you beginning a business, but I also know the reality of starting one with 3 under 3. You have to ultimately do what makes YOU happy. As you said, you want to be the best mom you can be to your kids and I believe part of that requires YOU to ensure you are happy, too.
We are both.
Once I had a baby, I became a mother AND continue to be the woman that I am. It’s these two halves that make me whole, only this time, for the sake of my daughter, I try to live more mindfully, knowing that every decision I make is no longer one that affects just me. And no matter what I do, I want to be able to have my daughter look at me with pride. So I make sacrifices here and meet challenges there, compromise a little bit here, give in a little bit there, but all while acknowledging that I’m still me, a woman, AND a mom.
.-= Justine´s last blog ..My playground faux pas =-.
I just popped over from JennyMac’s, and I wanted to add my congratulations on a really awesome post. I’m glad I came over and read the comments here, because I think I am going to write a post about this later also. This sentiment resonated with me, as both a mom AND a teacher. “b/c I do have a career—it’s called being a MOM. I tend to undervalue myself and it’s my own fault (although society tends to do the same”. I think we need to bolster our views of self-worth in order to change the way society views us as a whole. I’m going to work on that. You all with me?
.-= Jennifer B´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: too tired for words =-.
Jennifer – AMEN! And welcome to Theta Mom! Not sure if you read my Mission, but THAT is the goal of this blog – to get the dialogue started about “redefining the role of motherhood, one mom at a time.” <—-That is actually the tagline of my blog, the heart and soul of why I began Theta Mom.
So glad you stopped over and when the baby takes a nap later, I can't wait to visit your blog.
Excellent post, well written, and well said! I loved this: “I don’t think anyone has it any easier.” It is so true. It’s hard for me to work everyday in an office, being away from my kids. Mommy guilt creeps in everyday… and then I have to be ‘on’ as soon as get home, to play with my kids, feed them, bathe them, read to them, etc. I love doing this, of course, but some days, I don’t even have a chance to change out of my work clothes before the children’s bedtime! It is non-stop from morning to night, never a second to myself, really, until the kids go to bed, and then I’m up till 1 a.m. doing all the things for me. No wonder I’m always tired. Also, stay at home moms have it so tough, too. It’s great for so many reasons, but it is also hard! I do believe as a woman, and as a mom, I do put the role of ‘woman’ on the back burner. In some ways. My children are my priority. Number 1!
there is no way to seperate the two completely. Once you have a child you are a mother FOR LIFE. Nothing can change that fact.
As you said, it’s about figuring out what works best for YOU and YOUR family. It doens’t matter what Suzie next door does if that doesn’t gel with your lifestyle.
I totally enjoyed my year of maternity leave with each of my girls but I was ready to go back to work full time. I know I am not cut out to be a SAHM and I’m fine with that. By working I help contribute to our family’s finances so we can do really awesome family vacations in the future and pay for extracurricular activities or maybe even private school when the time comes.
It’s all about balance
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..Tumble tumble tumble =-.
Carrie – I couldn’t agree more, it IS all about balance and what makes it work for each if us and our families. The decisions/choices I make may not be the same for the next mom but as long as we are raising happy, healthy children, I don’t think it should matter so much how we get there – as long as WE are also happy in the process. Thanks so much for adding to the convo.
This is an AWESOME post.
I think I am a woman first because being a mother is just a part of me, not my whole existence. I am a mother, a wife, an employee, an entrepreneur. I am all of that wrapped up in one over-worked, under-caffeinated WOMAN.
& I don’t know how long I can hold steady. It’s something I’ve struggled with lately & plan on writing about – how do I have a career, run a business, battle my PPD, be a mother, & then take off the mom hat to be the sexy woman my husband married four years ago? oh, and I have to clean the house, too. So add “housekeeper/seamstress/craftsman” into the description.
Too many hats. But the point is, I wear those hats as a woman. The mother hat is just a part of the big picture of who I am.
.-= Blair´s last blog ..Thirty-One. =-.
excellent post – kudos to the both of you!
i may be in the minority (which is usually the case on many subjects) but i’m a woman first. if i can’t attempt to be a strong, intellectual hard working woman then whom will my daughter emulate? that’s not to say i don’t mother my child. that’s not to say i wouldn’t willingly give up any one of my limbs to make sure she’s out of harm’s way. but that doesn’t mean i pigeonhole myself as one thing, scrubbing the crayon off the wall while life passes me by. it means i become someone she can be proud of and this transformation is only happening BECAUSE i am a mother.
but no doubt – hardest job ever!
.-= ericka @ alabaster cow´s last blog ..this one’s about you. **UPDATE** =-.
I too agree with most that each one will have their own answer and definition. For me, my life, my marriage, and our family life is based on the Word of God. God first, marriage the center. IF I don’t put focus on me as a child of God, a woman, then I won’t have the energy to put focus on mymarriage or my child. If I don’t give myself quality time and effort then I will be drained and have nothing to give to either my husband or child so for me I’m a woman, child of God first then a wife then a mom. Right now I work full time and it sucks donkey butt big time. My husband works full time and goes to school full time and so we need my income to help pay for his school and once he’s done then I will get to become a SAHM which is my goal and desire. It’s hard putting in 40 hours at work and coming home to doing SAHM duties but because our marriage is the center we both chip in so that not just one of us is left to do the grunt work of cooking and cleaning but share it so we both can partake in the fun stuff of playing and teaching monkey. I’m a supporter of women and moms in whatever they choose to do. I don’t think it’s up to me to judge and make one feel less than the other. I deal with that a lot being a working mom. I think we are a sisterhood that needs support, help, encouragement, and even change at times and it makes it so much better when we do it together verses judging and pointing fingers and using our words to hurt and sting.
I loved this post, it’s something I’ve been thinking alot about lately and plan on writing on the topic myself soon. I think that what makes a great mom is a great woman and what makes a great woman is the encouragement from other great women as well as time for herself.
Thanks for this post!
.-= Texas Monkey´s last blog ..Dear So and So =-.
It’s like you’re inside my brain, typing out my daily struggle! I work full-time and every day I wonder if I’m making the right choice for myself and my family. But at the end of every day, I go home to a happy toddler, a husband who could not be a better dad if he tried, and a nice roof over our heads. I think you’re right- we all struggle no matter what decision we’ve made, and the grass is always greener. It’s important for us to support our friends and coworkers who make whatever decision is best for themselves and their families, and not judge or be critical. Easier said than done!
It’s so true Carrie – we all think “the grass ius greener” when we look at someone else doing it but the reality is, any way you slice it – this motherhood gig is hard and the balancing act that ensues is even harder. Thanks so much for your comment.
I have chosen to stay at home because that is what work’s best for my family. But I think you are right… parenting isn’t easy whether you work inside the home or outside the home. I do want to be a good role model for my daughter… and even though I am not currently pursuing the typical dreams of corporate success (my dreams have changed) I want to show my daughter that she CAN have a fulfilling life while staying at home if she chooses. Because I have chosen to be SAHM she needs to see that I don’t dream of doing something else (because I really don’t at this point). I want her to see this is MY dream and it really can be satisfying. This means that I work at home with a happy heart, I don’t complain about my work as a SAHM and that she sees me enjoying everything I do at home. (Without putting on a show… she needs to see the ups AND the downs.) I want her to know she doesn’t have to climb the corporate latter to find fulfillment in life. But if that’s what she chooses then I’m all for it. I really want her to know that it doesn’t have to be either or. Meaning, she doesn’t need to find success in a career to be satisfied but she doesn’t have to stay at home to be a good mom either. Does this make since? Sorry for the book, I am pretty passionate about this topic since many of my high school and college friends tend to view my education as a waste because I choose to stay at home… and really I use my education everyday raising my daughter. This was a great post!!
.-= MandiM´s last blog ..How To Coupon =-.
Mandi – Now that would annoy me, too. Just because you’re not “using” your education to get some kind of monetary compensation for it right now doesn’t mean you lost everything you learned or that you don’t apply it to your life – and who’s to say you won’t “use it” differently in the future anyway? YOU have to do what is best for YOU and if that means staying home to raise your kids, then that’s what YOU do. I think we need to stop competing and judging one another and remember that as moms, we are all in this together…I am totally following up on this post based on these awesome comments. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective.
I have done it all. I was a single mom of two while working full time, I was married also working full time, and now I am a stay at home mom (which means I am still working full time) For me, and I do not want to sound selfish or anything, just speaking for myself. In order for me to be a better mom to my kids, I HAVE to put “ME” first in some tings, not all things, but some.
I want my kids (two girls two boys) to see that no matter what decision their future spouse makes that the most important thing is to support them. Not everything is black and white, lots of grey in there. Sometimes in everyday life I feel a lot of judgement because I stay home with the kids, not out there working, bringing home a paycheck, and on the flip side I see a lot of judgement to the mothers who work outside of the home too.
Anyhow, I have a feeling I am rambling (as usual!)
Good post!
I think for me the answer changes daily! There are days when I feel lke I am all mom all the time! Not a moment to be ‘me” Then I realize I need to create Me time, wife time, dream time! I too gave up a career I loved to stay home with my girls. Do I regret it? Not usually. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be:)
I don’t know if I’m a Woman or a Mother first but they are kind of equal parts of me! Great to read an article that is all about balance rather than telling the world how horrible we Mum’s are that work!!! Some of us don’t get the choice but we should be all about celebrating those that do!!! Thanks for giving all sides
.-= Emma´s last blog ..Procrastination and Burkas!!!! =-.
I just read Jenny Mac’s post and wanted to stop by your site too. I think every mom knows what is the right choice for her. I know some women who would never want to be SAHM’s and if they were they would be incredibly grumpy – which would benefit no one! Great post. Excellent points.
.-= carma´s last blog ..Culture Clash!!! =-.
I agree Carma, what is the ‘right’ choice for one mom may not necessarily be the ‘right’ choice for another…and it IS all about finding what works for you and maintaining a balance between both worlds. Thanks so much for your comment.
I wonder if the answer to this question ties in with our parenting styles. I am a woman first. I feel, process, repress, experience, and while I’m doing that, I mother. I love being a mother and a woman, a woman and a mother. Neither of those things can be taken away from me. And I do believe I have to take care of myself in order to best take care of my kids.
Great post!
.-= Jana@An Attitude Adjustment´s last blog ..Pregnant in Paris =-.
Woman, mother, spouse, friend, employee, boss, athlete, housekeeper, bookkeeper … We all have so very many roles that define us. And they all make up our own individual pie chart of “who I am.” Some days, I need to devote more time to certain roles. On the other days, other roles. For me, it’s all about maintaining balance … not just finding balance, but finagling that balance until it fits the requirements of the day. And then? Doing it again tomorrow.
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..Splitting Heirs =-.
What an excellent point Stacia when you said, “it’s all about maintaining balance …not just finding balance, but finagling that balance until it fits the requirements of the day.” Isn’t that the truth?! Sometimes, I think we are magicians to get it all done and the bottom line is, it HAS to get done.
This is something that I struggle with every day. Great post!
I work 32 hours a week, so am fortunate to have the best of both worlds. I work a limited schedule so that I can be a SAHM one day a week. It’s not as much as I would like, but it is something.
For me, I enjoy working outside of the home because it allows me to flourish as me, not as a mom (although, my mom hat really never gets hung up). It also allows me to leave my work elsewhere. Although, I wish I could be a SAHM, I’m not sure if I would make a good f/t SAHM. Fridays, the day that I am, is by far the HARDEST day of my week.
If I had to answer – we are women first. That is what makes us a mother and without that, we lose ourselves and are not able to show our children (especially our daughters) what a woman is supposed to be. Being a mother is just one of the most glorious attributes of a woman.
My favorite quote is this: “Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.” ~ Lin Yutang
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Ladybugs don’t like monkeys =-.
I struggle with this every day. It’s hard to decide which hat to where when. I think it requires a healthy balance, but getting to that point is not easy. I wish I had answers. But I’m like so many others…I’m just muddling my way through trying to make the best of all I’ve been blessed with.
.-= MandyP´s last blog ..Marathons, Umbrellas and Bombs…Oh My! =-.
For me, being a mom has turned me into a woman. And the two just go together. I am a woman who is a mom. Being that I’ve only been a mom for a little over 6 months, I am still learning how to balance and juggle daily tasks. But I can never not a mom. Whatever plans I make, I automatically think about how it will affect my daughter. So I don’t think I actually answered your question… but they aren’t seperate to me.