Forbes Woman and The Bump released results of a cobranded survey recently that tries to answer the question of when it is the “ideal” age for women to have their first baby as well as balance a successful career. I would love to start this conversation with the readership of Theta Mom. When do you think it’s the ideal age to start a family? I personally don’t think there is ever a “perfect” time, but I do think women can find a time in their lives that would work better than others…
I was 29 when I had my first child. I knew there were a few things I wanted to accomplish as an individual before I even thought about becoming a mother. I knew once I graduated college that I wanted to immediately begin working in the field and establish myself in the profession. So within my first year of landing a full-time teaching position, I went back to school part-time to earn my graduate degree (knowing that I would eventually at some point want to advance in my career) so earning that degree was a necessity. In the meantime, I met my husband but before I even made plans to get married I knew I wanted to complete that graduate degree.
Once I earned my MA and we were married I also knew I wanted to travel, for once I started a family I knew this would be much more of a challenge. My husband and I were lucky enough to be able to take trips to Europe, The Caribbean, as well as other parts of this country. We really got a chance to travel quite a bit in our early married life.
Having said that, I also wanted to enjoy our time together as a married couple because I knew once we had children that part of our relationship would drastically change, such as the small freedoms of eating out whenever we felt like it; being spontaneous and not having to make plans well in advance because we could just get up and go – that kind of stuff. I knew that if I had children before I began my career, earned my MA or traveled some with my husband, I might have regretted it so I did not even think about having a baby until those other dreams of mine were fulfilled. This was truly a personal decision.
I must also admit that I was very selfish and self-centered in my early twenties. Quite frankly, I was VERY into myself so I can’t even imagine having to take care of another human life at that time in my life. In my early twenties I was really not emotionally ready to care for anything other than myself, let alone a child. As I matured and grew as a woman and individual, I believed that when the time was right when both my husband and I were emotionally and financially ready to raise a child it would happen. And I am truly blessed because that’s exactly how it turned out for me.
If you wait to start a family until you have a bigger house, more money or a better job, the reality is you’ll probably be waiting for a very long time because you’ll never have “enough” money or that “perfect” job. I think the ideal age to become a mother really depends on each woman’s individual goals and aspirations, as well as where she is in her life. Some women are not as career oriented and/or do not go to college (for various reasons) and their one dream is to have that baby – so for these women, having children in their early twenties would make sense.
On the flip side, women who are driven by their career end up waiting until they are in their mid to late thirties to start a family, as they are trying to establish themselves in the professional world. So when you think of it this way, there really is no cookie cutter answer to the question. I believe it really boils down to each woman’s preferences and life experiences/choices. However, if you throw in some curve balls of infertility or unplanned pregnancy, well that’s a whole other variable to add to the equation…
You can read the full article at ForbesWoman here and view all of the results from that cobranded survey here. Cited directly from the Forbes Woman article, below are some of the findings quoted from that survey:
- “Non-moms and women in their 30s are more likely to think 30-34 is the ideal age, while women in their 20s are more likely to think 25-29 is the preferred age.”
- “35% of moms who had their first child at 30 to 34 wish they had their child at a younger age and 57% of moms who had their first child at 35 to 39 also wish they had their child at a younger age.”
- “62% of women surveyed feel that motherhood negatively impacts a woman’s career. Yet, only 30% of working moms felt this way.”
Now, I would love to hear your stories and for you to share some insight into this very hot topic. When did you become a mom and what do you think is the “ideal” age to start a family?
I was 29 like you when my first son was born. He was completely planned, and came along basically when we wanted him to. For that, I am grateful. I was married for 5 years before we decided to have children. Again, it was exactly as we planned it. Like you, we had many goals we wanted to achieve before having a baby, and since we were married so young we knew we had time. It was the perfect age for me, still young, but past the uncertainty of getting started (marriage, home, career). Whether I think that was the right time for my career, I’m not sure. I’m with you, I don’t think there is ever a really right time. In Canada we get a year long maternity leave, it’s wonderful for our families, but can wreak havoc on our careers. No matter what, when you are away for a year (or in some cases longer) you will miss opportunities. You have to be okay with that and recognize there will be others down the road. It’s such a complex issue, on this I could go on and on! Thanks for starting the discussion.
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Expectations =-.
Christine,
I agree, this is such a complex issue and there ARE so many variables! We have a similar background in that we knew we had a little time to “wait” being married in our twenties and already getting started in a career. I did not even think about the insurance/maternity leave aspect, as being a teacher, I had a wonderful leave. However, in most positions, this is not the case. Thanks for taking the time to share your story.
I was 33 when I had my first. I never thought it was an “ideal” age, but we were so busy waiting for the “right time” that I was in my 30’s before I figured out there was no such thing! In hindsight, I’m glad I got my education done and had the opportunity to build a nice career…but, I wish I had done it a little sooner…maybe in my late 20’s. I just don’t want to feel like an “old mom”. Most people I know with kids the same age as mine are 10 years younger than me. Most of my high school friends have kids much older than mine. And…I wish my hubby and I had more sense to do some traveling alone, especially since we waited so long, but we spent most of our time working!
I know what you mean about waiting for the “right time,” but there isn’t one, right? I also wanted to graduate from college before I entered that phase of my life.
I was 22 — and it was a surprise! I wanted to teach for awhile (about 3 – 5 years) before I had kids and then stay home. I wouldn’t change it now, but it took my mind awhile to adjust to a different dream. Now, I have 3 kids ages 10, almost 8 and 1 . . . and I only “got” to plan the middle one. I will say my first two pregnancies were easier than my last, and it might have been partly my age. I know 31 is NOT old, but others that I’ve talked to echo that their younger pregnancies weren’t as difficult, and looking back, now I’m glad that I was so young. It just means I (hopefully) have that much more time to enjoy my family!
.-= Sugar Tails´s last blog ..A Reversal of Destiny (WORD-Filled Wednesday) =-.
I love when you said, “it took your mind awhile to adjust to a different dream,” because that’s the truth! Even when I had my son when I did and I accomplished much of what I wanted, there still was a major shift and transition. Thanks so much for sharing!
Forgot to change my name on here from my blog to my username. Ooops!
.-= GlowinGirl´s last blog ..A Reversal of Destiny (WORD-Filled Wednesday) =-.
I also had my first at age 29 and my second at age 32. To me that was the perfect age. I do wish my husband and I did more trips before kids but we were just starting out and did not really have the money. But I tell me sisters all the time who are in their twenties to wait till their thirties. Life changes so much with kids and you have to be somewhat ready for it….but are we ever really ready now that I think about it?
Great topic!
.-= This Mama Works It!´s last blog ..Is It Possible to Find Real Authentic Business and/or Make Money From Home Advice on The Internet? =-.
Girl –
My thoughts EXACTLY. Although I love that I “waited” until I was 29, I would probably tell other young women to wait even longer because it does change your life SO MUCH. I would have probably gotten married a little later, too.
I was 28 when I became a mom and I have said over and over again how happy I am that I waited! DH and I were married 5 years before we had our little guy. We had time together to travel, me to finish college, etc. Like you, I was also very “into myself” in my early twenties. I had some growing up to do, which I think is normal and perfectly OK. No regrets here, 28 has definitely been my “ideal” age to start a family.
.-= Bailey Flores´s last blog ..Like sands through the hourglass…. =-.
Bailey,
I agree, no regrets waiting until I had my twenties to really “be me” and get to know who I was as a person and what I wanted to be…before I added children to the mix.
Thanks so much for sharing!
I think the idea age to start a family is–right now! LOL. I have no idea. It depends on the family, I suppose.
.-= Cindy ´s last blog ..Contests Today =-.
It totally does – where the family is and the wants and needs.
Er, ideal. Not idea. I’m gonna go get breakfast now.
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..Contests Today =-.
I always knew I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30. Had first at 27, second at 29. I think I miss my career more (I gave it up to stay at home) than my friends who worked 10 or 15 years before having kids. However, my hubby and I will retire at 58 with no kids in college and have time to enjoy ourselves, travel, whatever. I have friends who are having their first now (38) and I cant imagine having the energy to deal with a new baby right now!
.-= diane´s last blog ..Children’s Earth Day book review and giveaway =-.
Diane – I know what you mean, it’s either enjoy the freedoms while you are young and raise the kids later, or start early and enjoy the freedoms later!
I don’t know that anytime is really the “right” time because having kids just totally changes your life. No matter how ready you are, it is still a shocker! My husband and I were married for 2 years before we had our son…and I was 28. We had planned on waiting 5 years after we got married to have kids, but we got the urge earlier I guess!
At the time, I remember thinking maybe I should’ve waited a little longer, but honestly, now I’m glad that at 32, I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to accomplish and now that my son is 4 and out of the baby phase, I can actually begin to do some of that. And I’m glad that I will still be in my 40s when he heads off to college.
Girl –
I think you are right and having your son when you did will allow you more freedom as he gets older. It woud be harder, I suppose though, to think this way if you add to your family. Since having my daughter, I am still in that baby phase and won’t have those “freedoms” until SHE is older.
The problem with waiting, of course, is that your ovarian reserve gets lower. I have friends now who are 33 and 35 and are having trouble conceiving.
I graduated college at 21, got married at 23, finished my MA at 26 and promptly started trying to conceive once I had my graduate degree in hand. For me September 11th had a lot to do with wanting to start a family. Watching that tragedy unfold told me that family was more important than a career. I thought about all those people who went to work that day and who would never be able to see their children again.
I had my first child at 27, 2nd child at 29, 3rd child at 33. Absolutely no regrets. My MA was for me, but I stopped working outside the home when I had my first child.
I’m with you, my MA was for me but luckily, I have been able to use it to work from home. Without that degree, I wouldn’ have the opportunity to be home with my children, so in hindsight, it was certainly the right move.
I know what you mean about 9/11. It did change everyone’s perspective about what’s really important in life. Thanks so much for sharing.
I don’t think that having my first child at 45 was “ideal” or is how I would have planned my life, I just knew that I wanted to be in a stable, married relationship with a man who could support us so I could be a SAHM. I’m lucky, I met him when I was 37 and we married when I was 44 and then I had our daughter at 45. I would not recommend anyone who is driven to be a mom to wait that long, I was lucky, infertility was not a problem, I had long before accepted spending my life being child-free and if a husband and baby came along great, if one didn’t I had a rewarding career. Lucky me, I have the best of both worlds plus three adorable technically “step” granddaughters and my own daughter who is in their age group. In my 20’s I would not have had the patience or maturity to be a great mom. I’m truly blessed.
.-= Menopausal New Mom´s last blog ..On a Serious Note for Our Safety =-.
I would not have been a good mother in my early twenties, either. You have a refreshing perspective on this topic- thank you!
I had my first child when I was 22. It was a surprise. At the time, I was just so in love that I didn’t see the big picture. Career-wise, motherhood didn’t cramp my style, at first. I was a reporter at a business paper and I was doing good. When I had three more babies, however, I made a conscious decision to cut back. I freelanced full-time so I can spend more time at home. But once my babies were all grown up, I was able to take on a high-pressure editor’s position. I guess, it was just a matter of being where I am most needed at a given time. In hindsight, maybe I might have waited a little before I had my first child. But then, I am so happy with where we all are right now that I wouldn’t have it any other way
.-= jing lejano´s last blog ..Old Too Soon =-.
It sounds as though you found the perfect balance – thanks for sharing!
.-= Theta Mom´s last blog ..Barbar Review and Giveaway =-.
I felt ready when I turned 32. I had my son at 34. Hope you’re having a great week!
.-= yonca´s last blog ..For a great cause! =-.
It sure does help when you wait until you know you are “ready.”
.-= Theta Mom´s last blog ..Barbar Review and Giveaway =-.
I had just turned 30 when my daughter was born, and for me, it was the right time. But it was more about where I was in my life than with my age. I was in a good groove careerwise, and I had a great partner. I wasn’t able to say that five years before.
.-= Diva´s last blog ..Love in a catalog =-.
For me, this was the right time, too – and as you said, I had the “right” partner as well.
.-= Theta Mom´s last blog ..Barbar Review and Giveaway =-.
I became a mom at 27 and yurned 28 a month after I had my daughter. For me, it was the perfect age. I wanted to have a house, a strong marriage, etc….but there comes a point where you can wait forever to feel financially secure. There’s never enough money, etc. For us, this was perfect….we are still young enough where coping with sleepness nights isn’t as exhausting as it would be if we were older, and it gives us time to have a few more children!
.-= Eliza´s last blog ..Winner of the "Blessed Mom" Pendant from Glitter and Bliss!!! =-.
You’re right, there will never be a time when there’s enough money or that bigger house! We would be waiting forever!
It’s so hard to answer that question. I had my daughter at 29 and can’t imagine having had a baby any younger than that. But my 22 year old self (that was dating my now husband) was anxious and craved having a baby. That 22 year old thought that she was ready; the 29 year old knows that she wasn’t. In those seven years, I made friendships, built a career, drank too much, and solidified my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband) before getting married and having a baby.
I joke with my husband that he made me wait five and a half years before proposing and that if he had done things my way our daughter would be in preschool by now. But I think in the long run things happened exactly like they were supposed to. Some things are worth waiting for.
Totally agree with you!
I knew I always wanted kids and I was 28 when I had my first. We were married for almost 3 years and had been together over 10, so I was ready. I sometimes wish I did wait a bit longer to get my career more set and travel a bit more but at the same time now that my one son is almost 4 and the baby is a year and half, it is getting easier to start doing thing for myself and focus on what I like to do {not there yet but getting there}.
I think there is no “ideal” age. I have a lot of friends that are hitting their mid-thirties and still haven’t had kids. They keep saying they need more money or a bigger house, etc. I never say anything {because its none of my business when people have kids or if they even have them} but I know that you will never have enough money or be exactly where you want to be. If you wait for that it will never happen. They always ask me how kids have changed my life and I basically tell them you just have to be ready for your entire world to flip. I can’t explain it to them because everyone has different experiences. You just have to be ok with change and putting yourself on the back burner for a bit
You said it best, “You just have to be ok with change and putting yourself on the back burner for a bit,” because having children means doing this. This is EXACTLY why I wanted to wait to earn my degree and travel – for I knew kids would forever change my life.
I am 33 years old and currently trying to conceive my first. My husband and I have been together for just under 3 years.
I was married in my early 20’s for 7 years, and probably would have had children in my late 20’s if things had worked out that way. They didn’t, and I am now hoping to have them in my mid-3o’s.
Even though my friends who already have children only had them within the last 4 years, I feel like I am WAY behind in the game. Of course, 4 years ago, I wasn’t remotely considering having babies, since I was newly seperated and needed time to work on myself before starting a new relationship or thinking about a family.
.-= @WannabeMomErin´s last blog ..A post FULL of cliches =-.
Working on ourselves and knowing we are somewhat ready I think is SO important!
I was 28 when my son was born. My husband and I had been married for four years when I became pregnant, after 11 months of trying. We wanted to wait until we were in a good financial position to care for a child, and as luck would have it, when I was about halfway through my pregnancy my husband received a promotion and a raise. Before the baby came along we were able to travel, make several home improvements, and enjoy our time with each other. We were both ready for a child. I know couples who are ready for a child after a year, and some who aren’t ready after ten years. It just depends on the person; there is no right age.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..My Favorite Things =-.
I totally agree – it depends on the person, age, lifestyle and choices.
i was 19 when i first married…he was 31 and truly took advantage of my age and was very abusive. all my life i knew i wanted to be a mom but i also knew that bringing a child into that marriage would not be a good idea because 3 yrs into it i began trying to figure my way out of it…alive. it was a smart decision, it was a concious decision and it is a decision i do not regret. so i became a fulltime student and worked toward my masters degree in Education. i figured it was the “education” that would most help me the most in the careeer that i truly wanted and prayed to have someday…motherhood. after 7 long yrs in that marriage i was able to escape. i took a few yrs to find myself again and finish my education and get established in a career…and dating, lots and lots of dating. i knew i needed to learn how to appreciate men again. when i married my wonderful husband he came with a daughter. it was a match made in heaven…she needed a mom like me and i needed a kid like her. we have spent the last few years trying to add to our family with no success. we decided to take a break from fertility treatments and explore adoption…afterall i love our daughter like i gave birth to her, i know i am capable of loving a child as my own no matter how God choses to deliver them.
there are times when i wonder if i wasted my good baby making years…i turn 39 TOMORROW! but i don’t regret my choice to wait for a good man and a marriage that i feel with every fiber of my being is truly my happily ever after. i also don’t feel too old to have a baby, or adopt a baby and i actually feel even more prepared and feel like my husband and i are on the same page when it comes to parenting…
phew that was detailed…welocme to my world…tee hee!
.-= Mamarazzi´s last blog ..It Happened…Here Is Proof! =-.
Mamarazzi – Thank you for sharing these details, so happy to hear you made it out of the first “alive.” So many women are in terrible situations in which they don’t know how to leave. I believe when it’s meant to happen for you, it will. Thanks again for sharing!
I was 25, and wouldn’t have had it any another way. We actually tried for several years before that, and couldn’t due to infertility. Now, looking back, it was a quasi-blessing. We were young, and I’m glad we had time to ourselves as a couple.
Really though, I’m not sure there is a “right” age (other than something that ends in -teen on purpose. Accidents happen, and no one is faulting those.)
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Found you through SITS… love ya already.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, although married for only 2 (almost three). So when I found out I was pregnant shortly after the marriage vows at 30, I was thrilled beyond belief. My daughter was born when I turned 31 and my 2nd is due in August and I will be 34. Yes, I wish I could have sped up the process (DH wasn’t on the same path of life as my mind was!) but, if I had done it my way, I wouldn’t have the most adorable little girl that I have in my life at this very moment! Things happen for a reason and she was meant to be here.
But I would say late 20’s would prob. have been more ideal in the grand scheme of things. And I don’t want to have anymore kids after being 35. (all those extra tests are SCARY!)
I had Logan when I was 20 years old and even though it was a tough road I wouldn’t change it for the world. I think everyone is different and has different priorities. I don’t think there really ever is the perfect age or perfect time.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Type type type all day long…. =-.
I don’t think there is a set perfect age to start a family. Like you pointed out, there are just too many variables.
We had our first when we were 23 and she was a surprise. We both had plans to start careers, become more financially stable, and get a house. It was definitely an adjustment going from 2 to 3, but looking back I don’t think we would change anything.
.-= All You Need is Love´s last blog ..My Mom Lied to Me =-.
that is such a personal decision, and there are so many different things that impact the decision that there is no solid answer to it. sure, every woman has her own answer…
for me, i’ve always wanted to be a mom. when asked what i wanted to do when i grow up, i’d say “be a stay at home mom”. i didn’t have much direction for myself when i got out of highschool, and ended up having my first child at 19. he was a completely unintended blessing, and marked the beginning of some of the hardest years of my life. 19 was definitely too young, even for a woman who wanted to be nothing more than a mom and wife. i had my second child at 26, and for me that was the perfect age. my body was in peak physical condition, so i was able to bounce back from the birth and sleepless nights as well as i ever would be able to. i’m still young enough, that i won’t be ancient when my grandkids are playing at my feet, and that’s important to me as well. for me, the ideal age to have children is 25-30. of course, that’s just me. we’re done having children now… my husband didn’t want any more, so we made the decision to stop at 2.
.-= Nobody´s last blog ..Proactiv Acne Solution… My Experience =-.
I was married early and had my first daughter at the age of 22. Looking back, I can’t believe self-absorbed I was. Until I had her. All of the sudden it wasn’t about me anymore, and that was a good thing!
After my children are grown, my husband and I have the rest of our lives to do what we want, like travel or work a really fun job. Right now, my priority is being home with our family. I’m glad we didn’t wait, especially since I’m young enough to still have energy to chase them all around.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..It’s All Fun Until Someone Throws Up =-.
i had my son at 33, like you in my 20’s I wanted no part of it, in fact i did not want kids at all. I got engaged in my career at 18 so the problem was that i had a lot of corporate responsibility at a young age which means I did not live freely and travel a lot etc. it was all about the money for me and I thought that is what I wanted. At 31 I left corporate america for a wellness career and was exposed to so much more in the world, but by then we were not making as much and then my son came. I love him more than life, but I feel like I should have taken advantage of those childless years and traveled and explored. now I will be in my 40’s 50’s before I can do a lot of that again.
.-= dina´s last blog ..Growing 101 Herbs That Heal- Book Review =-.
I had Buddy when I was 25. He was a surprise, but I’m thankful that I had him when I did. Had we waited until the perfect time, I don’t know if we would have kids at this point. 😉
.-= Kmama´s last blog ..Just Dance- Bebe =-.
I agree that there is no ideal. I was 20 when I had my first child, and that was not exactly part of the plan. Since then, I’ve had people tell me that they NEVER could have done what I did, because they were just too immature/irresponsible/self-focused/poor/unmotivated in their early 20s. I always say, you never know what you might have been capable of. Nine months is actually a nice long time to consider your life and get yourself together. And you don’t have to have it all figured out right in the beginning–what new mom does?
That’s not to say that all 20 year olds should be having babies–far from it. Just that I think sometimes we are a lot more capable of handling life’s upsets than we might think, and they can turn out to be blessings in the end.
I was 30 and 33 when my girls were born, and wish I had them younger. Now, contemplating going back in a couple years (which will be after almost 8 years at home) will be more difficult for me. If I had the girls a bit younger and was re-entering the workforce in my early 30s, instead of late, it would feel a bit less daunting to me. Not that I had much say anyway…we had M 2 years after we were married, so, it’s not as if I had much choice to have children earlier!
.-= LZ´s last blog ..Move Over, Martha =-.
I was kinda like you, but it all happened earlier for me. I graduated college at 21 and got a job right away. a good job!! the start of my career. I got married at 23 and we did decide that we wanted to have a couple years to ourselves before having kids. it was great… we were able to travel a bit and do our love of weightlifting competitions.
When I was 25, we decided we would at least start trying. FIRST TIME really trying… bam! Had my daughter at 26. job/career still going very well. Got pg w/ 2nd kid at 27 and I was 28 by the time he was born. So, here I am at 29 and a half, 2 kids, a great SAHD for a husband and a career that is still going strong.
Obviously, now, I don’t regret having my kids when I did b/c I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I’ve heard some people say, ‘we’re not financially ready to have a kid’… news flash… you never will be. you’ll never be where you want to be.
.-= Work, Wife, Mom… Life! (Julia)´s last blog ..I just want to… =-.
The right time is the time that’s right for you. It’s a personal choice that takes into consideration a lot of factors that are different for each woman.
My story is similar to yours. We married shortly after college, but didn’t have children for almost seven years. We got a lot of those when are you ever having kids questions during that time. But we were working and enjoying our time together as a couple. At the time I thought I would be a working mom. But when we did decide we were ready for a family I realized that I wanted to focus just on my kids, and being a mom. So I became a SAHM. In my case I’m glad I waited until I was almost 30, because by then I was old enough to know what I wanted, and confident enough to know I’d made the right decision.
.-= MommieDaze´s last blog ..Hoosiers =-.
I had my first son at 29, second at 33 and third just 3 months ago. I thought 29 was the perfect age, I had been married for 2 years, established in my career, bought our first house. Now I wish I could have started earlier. I love having children so much I would love to have more than 3. If I had started younger we could have had one more. Oh well. I love my 3.
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I was 28 when my little man was born and I think it was a perfect age. I too spent a lot of time getting educated and established in my career, getting married and enjoying our time as a couple before expanding into a family. I like the way you think and the perspective you put forth. Thanks for a great post. amber
.-= amber´s last blog ..Totseat – the washable, squashable highchair =-.
Funny that you posted this today as not only did I essentially blog about this last night, but this is an conversation that I’ve had a lot in the past few months, both with myself and with my husband. I turn 30 in less than 2 months, have a successful career at a big 4 accounting firm, and want to start a family. However, the big question is when? Being so career oriented, I definitely am afraid that starting a familiy will put the breaks on my career. However, I also know that I don’t want to be an “old” mom, both for being involved in my future children’s lives as well as for the health risks that could or could not develop.
Having said that, on top of the career/age issues, there is the money, house, perfect time issues. Luckily (I think) we’ve come to the conclusion that there will never be a perfect time once you’ve gotten set goals accomplished. These goals for me include making manager, getting my masters, being married and enjoying just us time for at least 2 years, traveling, etc. Thus, the perfect age does differ for everyone as no two people have the exact same goals.
So to sum it up, for us it looks like 30 is the perfect age. I’ve had enough time to do what I want to do, to acheive the goals I’ve wanted to acheive, and to become the person who is ready (i.e. not so selfish anymore) to bring another life into this world…so with my birthday two months away…
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..The end of yet another day… =-.
I was 23 (24 three weeks later) and that was a perfect age for me! In all I had my children at 23, 26, 29, and 31. Honestly I was more calm with each child, but I think that had more to do with experience than age.
I am such the odd (wo)man out here. Let me start by saying I am judging no one, this is my story and my opinions. Everyone has stated theirs without any flaming so allow me the same treatment please.
I was 15 and found out I was pregnant, totally unplanned and very scared. My boyfriend took advantage of me and the result was a baby. We did marry and try to make that work but it didn’t. He abandoned me when I was 18, had a 2 year old daughter and another baby on the way. The next 9 years I was a single parent. I did try to go to college, and I did for a few semesters but I realized that my career was going to be being a mother and hopefully a wife again someday. That is a very worthy career and I hate the idea in today’s society that it is not. I have endured more ridicule for being a full-time mom to my girls and later my boys.
I might be old-fashioned but I truly believed I could have the family I dreamed of even with my rough start and God blessed me. I met and married my life partner and lover in 1994. He was never married and never had children but he was willing to raise my girls as his own seeing as how their dad left. We started our family in the first year and by the time I was 30 I was done having my children, 4 in all-2 of each. I am now 43 and a grandmother of 3, soon to be 5 as my oldest is expecting twins this next month. She also married and started a family right away. She desired no professional career because she felt being a wife and mother was the best job for her and she wanted it.
I guess my opinions are old fashioned but it truly saddens me at how many children are raised in daycares by the ever-changing staff during the most important years of their lives. Most often it’s so the mother can advance her career instead of focusing on her family. I understand when there is a financial need but usually if a family tries hard and is smart with money they would realize they can live on one income. We have for over 16 years. We have never lacked for anything.
I said all that to say that motherhood was thrust upon me at 16 and I don’t regret it at all. There is never a perfect time for children or marriage, just what is right for each person. In the future my husband and I will enjoy our empty nest and travel and do what we want and still be young enough to enjoy those things.
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Although there is perfect time I can say that I waited, due to lack of hubby on scene, until I was 34, when I had my first. Then I had another at near 37. I’d have another but I am so freakin’ closer to 40 I don’t know if I can physically accomplish it. I am sure I can but there is apart of me that thinks I must have truly lost my mind. So, not that you should have them younger but be aware than your body may quit before your mind has- – – besides that I love my kids, my age and the fact that I am not as innocent and silly as I was yesterday, I mean 10 years ago- so they have a better mom I am sure.
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This is a tough question! Not sure that I have the answer for what the right age is…but I know that I couldn’t imagine just getting started now. I am glad that I had my baby in my 20s.
I was just turned 21 when I had m first boy, 23 when I had my 2nd. I’m glad I did it this way. When I look to go out for work my employers know they won’t have to sign me off on maternity leave as I’ve already *got* my family, and am happy with the size it is already!
There are many things I *could* have done, but even if I had had the opportunity, I know myself well enough to know that I most likely wouldn’t have done them anyway!
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I think there are as many answers to this question as there are women who want to answer it. Maybe whenever it happens is the perfect time. I think there are challenges and blessings to having a baby at any age. My age being in the middle of the spectrum, and the fact that my pregnancy was a surprise probably accounts for my “whatever happens is meant to be” attitude.
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I had my first child at 32. I did a lot in my twenties. I went to grad school. I lived all over the country. And my husband and I shared amost nine years of marriage which was wonderful. So that was wonderful for us. And when we were ready, we were still in debt. Still renting. But we were emotionally ready and we WANTED this baby. That was what worked for us. Sometimes, I wish that I had the physical endurance of my twenties but I am glad that I have the maturity that I do now. I think, however that it is an immensely persona decision and that there is no “right” age.
Traci
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Those unplanned pregnancies really do alter plans! My oldest was born when I was 16, when I was planning to move from the midwest to the northeast for college. After the shock wore off, I had a fantastic supportive family who helped me through the pregnancy and helped me raise my daughter while I attended evening college and started teaching. I know I would have chosen adoption for her were it not for my family. BUT- you really can grow up enough to put another person first- even as a teenager. I married my husband after my first year of teaching, at 21, and two weeks into the marriage, I was pregnant again. A month after my son turned 1, I were expecting a third baby. I’ve never planned a pregnancy, but God was working for me when he gave us babies 2 and 3. I’ve never known an adult life with the luxury of selfishness, but I’ll be 42 when our youngest graduates from high school (assuming no more happy accidents). That’s going to leave plenty of years to travel, work, and be married without children in the house. It’s not the typical schedule for today’s women, but I believe it matters little when you put in your parenting years, just that you take advantage of those few decades and throw your whole self into your family.
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I became a mom when I was 27, shortly after getting married. I had 3 more kids after that, having my 4th at age 34. I started my business when my 4th was 1 year old. This timing, although not at all planned out, really worked for me because I have always put having a family ahead of work. I never had a single moment in which I wanted to get ahead in my career before having children. But that’s just me! Everyone is different.
I became a Mom when I was 27. I think
It seems as if we lead parallel lives…I too am (was?) a teacher and wanted to complete my MA before getting married. I graduated in May and got married in July. The we waited three years before trying to get pregnant and I just had my first baby last summer. We had the whole “not enough money/time/space” conversation many, many times leading up to and during my pregnancy (and funny how those conversations just continue…) and I totally agree that there’s NEVER enough money/time/space. And luckily, we were smart enough to realize that. The week Molly was born, my husband lost his job. Can you imagine if we had waited?! I still wouldn’t have my sweet, adorable little girl. And you know what? We’re all ok. And totally in love.
Good question, and so timely for me. I am writing a similar post today, kind of a personal struggle of “should we wait because to take advantage of another oppty?” So I am so glad you wrote this. I can’t tell you how difficult this issue has been for me and my husband lately. I am turning 31 this May, he will be 29…we don’t feel we have it together enough, but know we’ll regret it if we wait too long. What’s the answer? Hell if I know. Great topic though…can’t wait to hear what others say.
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I was 22 when I had my first daughter. I thought that I was ready and able to have and take care of a child. I wish now that I had waited for a little while. I love my daughter to death but I wish I had furthered my education and gotten to travel some before having kids.
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As you said, I don’t think there’s any ideal age for everyone. I was 18 when I had my first child and I would not trade that for the world. I know that’s not for everyone, though. I think it all depends on the person and their goals for their family & life.
.-= Shay @ Wonderfully Chaotic´s last blog ..Lesson Pathways – Why Homeschooling? =-.