Forbes Woman and The Bump released results of a cobranded survey recently that tries to answer the question of when it is the “ideal” age for women to have their first baby as well as balance a successful career. I would love to start this conversation with the readership of Theta Mom. When do you think it’s the ideal age to start a family? I personally don’t think there is ever a “perfect” time, but I do think women can find a time in their lives that would work better than others…
I was 29 when I had my first child. I knew there were a few things I wanted to accomplish as an individual before I even thought about becoming a mother. I knew once I graduated college that I wanted to immediately begin working in the field and establish myself in the profession. So within my first year of landing a full-time teaching position, I went back to school part-time to earn my graduate degree (knowing that I would eventually at some point want to advance in my career) so earning that degree was a necessity. In the meantime, I met my husband but before I even made plans to get married I knew I wanted to complete that graduate degree.
Once I earned my MA and we were married I also knew I wanted to travel, for once I started a family I knew this would be much more of a challenge. My husband and I were lucky enough to be able to take trips to Europe, The Caribbean, as well as other parts of this country. We really got a chance to travel quite a bit in our early married life.
Having said that, I also wanted to enjoy our time together as a married couple because I knew once we had children that part of our relationship would drastically change, such as the small freedoms of eating out whenever we felt like it; being spontaneous and not having to make plans well in advance because we could just get up and go – that kind of stuff. I knew that if I had children before I began my career, earned my MA or traveled some with my husband, I might have regretted it so I did not even think about having a baby until those other dreams of mine were fulfilled. This was truly a personal decision.
I must also admit that I was very selfish and self-centered in my early twenties. Quite frankly, I was VERY into myself so I can’t even imagine having to take care of another human life at that time in my life. In my early twenties I was really not emotionally ready to care for anything other than myself, let alone a child. As I matured and grew as a woman and individual, I believed that when the time was right when both my husband and I were emotionally and financially ready to raise a child it would happen. And I am truly blessed because that’s exactly how it turned out for me.
If you wait to start a family until you have a bigger house, more money or a better job, the reality is you’ll probably be waiting for a very long time because you’ll never have “enough” money or that “perfect” job. I think the ideal age to become a mother really depends on each woman’s individual goals and aspirations, as well as where she is in her life. Some women are not as career oriented and/or do not go to college (for various reasons) and their one dream is to have that baby – so for these women, having children in their early twenties would make sense.
On the flip side, women who are driven by their career end up waiting until they are in their mid to late thirties to start a family, as they are trying to establish themselves in the professional world. So when you think of it this way, there really is no cookie cutter answer to the question. I believe it really boils down to each woman’s preferences and life experiences/choices. However, if you throw in some curve balls of infertility or unplanned pregnancy, well that’s a whole other variable to add to the equation…
You can read the full article at ForbesWoman here and view all of the results from that cobranded survey here. Cited directly from the Forbes Woman article, below are some of the findings quoted from that survey:
- “Non-moms and women in their 30s are more likely to think 30-34 is the ideal age, while women in their 20s are more likely to think 25-29 is the preferred age.”
- “35% of moms who had their first child at 30 to 34 wish they had their child at a younger age and 57% of moms who had their first child at 35 to 39 also wish they had their child at a younger age.”
- “62% of women surveyed feel that motherhood negatively impacts a woman’s career. Yet, only 30% of working moms felt this way.”
Now, I would love to hear your stories and for you to share some insight into this very hot topic. When did you become a mom and what do you think is the “ideal” age to start a family?
I was 18 when I had my first, so definitely on the young side. Though I was mature for my age, I would recommend waiting a few more years to jump into motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have regrets. I just think that you need to make sure that you get pregnant for the right reasons. However, keep in mind that any child is a blessing, a wonderful joy that you will integrate into your life no matter how old you are.
I dont think that there is a perfect age for anything. Just like driving…lol…some are ready at 16…some are SOOOO NOT! Yeah ok so this is different…but that’s life right?
I had my 1st at 24 (he’s 6 months old and I’ll be 25 this June). I am the oldest in the fam with 5 brothers so I was well ahead of the game (unless he had been born a girl…then that would have been a bit different). But I love it. Sure there are time when I would love to just go out with my girls but no biggie! I love my little boy and I was well ready for him to be with us!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..WACKY WEDNESDAYS: "Total Buzz Kill" =-.
This is such a good food-for-thought post! I was one of those women who put off parenthood so I could pursue other areas of my life…I worked hard on my MA and I was finally at a good place at my career. But then when I finally wanted children, I learned I was infertile…I had waited too long to have kids and my eggs were pretty much crap by that point.
Even though it was a rough road to motherhood, I wouldn’t have changed a thing, as odd as that may sound. I truly believe everything happens for a reason!
.-= Helene´s last blog ..You can pick on me…but do NOT pick on my child =-.
I love these kind of open-ended question because there are no wrong answers!
All I ever wanted to do when I was growing up was to get married and have children. Really. And so, I got married at the age of 21 and had my first child when I was 22. I had my second child when I was 24. I was totally and completely ready to settle down and have children because I got my wild side out of my system when I was younger. lol.
When my second child was 7 (I was 31) I had my third child and then three years later I had my last child. Four total, but two sets of two. Two first-born and two last born.
I love all of my children and they have each given us such joy. They are all so completely different.
As far as age, I’ll tell ya…physically…it was much easier to give birth to my first two children in my early twenties! But mentally or emotionally I was much wiser with the second two children in my early thirties!
Soooo, go figure! There is good and bad in everything pretty much. That’s my take on it.
.-= Lucie´s last blog ..We Have A Winner! =-.
When your old enough to have stopped being so selfish, but young enough to still be a little bit idealistic.
I agree that if you wait for the ‘perfect’ time to have a baby, you’ll be waiting forever.
I was 27 when I became a mom. We had been married five years and had just bought our first house. We were reasonably financially stable and I’d had a few years in the “career” world, so my story kind of mirrors yours, Heather. However, I still think 27 was too soon for me. I hadn’t outgrown my self-centeredness (sad, but true) and I had some issues I really should have worked through first, but hindsight is always 20/20. And I am glad I’m still relatively young now that she’s a teen. I need every bit of mental and emotional energy I have left! ;0)
.-= Melinda´s last blog ..You Have Been Warned =-.
I was 28 when my first was born, 30 for my second. It worked out well for me.
Just stopped by from SITS to say hi; hope you will do the same.
.-= Eva Gallant´s last blog ..To the Buff Broad on the Bike =-.
i don’t believe there is a perfect age. i think there is too old and too young, FOR SURE. i believe that a woman who is 60 and having her first child is completely selfish. i also think that 15 year old babies having babies is wrong and shame on the parents for allowing it…but that’s a different post, eh.
i believe it depends on where you are in your life and if there is room in every capacity for a child.
.-= melissa´s last blog ..Tickets, Fines And Suspended Licenses: No, I’m Not Talking About Teenagers =-.
I actually did a post about this too- http://madmomonamission.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-is-ideal-age-to-have-baby.html
I was 24. It was definitely harder the first year because I had just finished college and being a 24 year old with a baby and a mortgage in 2008 is just financially rough as it is. In the long the run, I’m really glad I had him so young. My friend gave the best advice- “it will be harder for you in the beginning because you’re young.” We’re coming out of it and things are really looking up (financially). Not to mention I have the cutest little monkey
.-= Amanda @ Mad Mom´s last blog ..Bullying Has Consequences- Sometimes Tragic Ones =-.
I had a career that I loved. I moved around the country a few times as I advanced up the ladder and traveled for my job constantly. I actually met my now-husband at an airport!
Maybe I would’ve had kids sooner had I met my husband sooner (we were married right before I turned 32). But that’s just the way life works: you can plan to have kids in your 20s but then you don’t meet the right person til your older. And frankly, I had enough trouble deciding what to wear when I was in my early 20s. Deciding on marriage and children? SOOO not ready!
That being said, I’m glad I got to do a lot and see the world before having kids. I feel it’s given me a lot more knowledge and life experience than I would’ve had otherwise, which in turn, makes me a better parent than I would’ve been in my 20s.
I had my first child at 34 and my third at 40. And though it freaks me out that I’ll be 81 when my youngest is my age, and I probably won’t be around to see many grandkids, I still can’t regret the way my life has turned out: any differently and I wouldn’t have these amazing kids!
.-= SpecialSauce in the House´s last blog ..Of Faith and the Easter Bunny =-.
I hope to give birth shortly after my 31st bday to our first child (I’m turning 30 soon). I had hoped to be giving birth a whole year earlier, but it took an extra year to finish my dissertation. I don’t think there is a universal, but for my friends and I, @ age 30 has been the perfect time for us and our careers.
I started at 29, but I think the ideal age could be a lot of different things depending on the person. Though I would say that it’s easier to have a kid when there’s some money in the bank and some general security/maturity.
.-= Christa´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Serious Awwwww =-.
Such a personal decision! Motherhood caught me by surprise in my early twenties. I was just about to start my masters. I was not thinking about having a baby at all. My then fiance (now hubs) and I just went with the flow and moved our wedding date up a year. Our now 12yr old was not planned but, I would not change a thing! Actually, the funny part of the story is that I found out I was expecting him 13yrs ago today. April Fools Day. No joke! (;
.-= Magically Ordinary´s last blog ..It’s Girl Talk Thursday! =-.
I had my twins when I was 29, so we have a lot in common–and I had also already gotten my B.A. and my M.A. beforehand. Hubs and I had been married for 4 years before the girls arrived. We did struggle with infertility, so I’d have had the kids sooner if we hadn’t had trouble. But I agree it’s a very personal decision. it just seems like fertility issues are more common in older women, so I can see where there would be some added stress/pressure as far as that goes…
p.s. Congrats on your SITS day!!! woohoo! and thank you for all of your kind and supportive words on my blog yesterday after all the drama with the “copyright infringement.” ugh!!!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..A Warning To All Bloggers…Watch Your Backs. And Let’s Look Out For Each Other! =-.
An aunt of my husband had her first two children when she was in her early twenties. Then had an oops in her late thirties and decided to have a second so that the oops had a sibling. She said she definitely had more energy the first time around, but as far as truly appreciating what she was doing, she felt it was better later. I thought it was very interesting to hear her observations.
Dana
.-= It’s Messy @Bungalow’56´s last blog ..Feeling A Little Foolish =-.
I became a mom at 28 and it was the perfect time for me. I already had my degrees and my husband and I had been married for about 4 years. I don’t regret waiting one bit. My husband and I got to do most of the things we wanted to do and got a chance to build our relationship on a strong foundation.
.-= Tonya´s last blog ..Have You Taken the Prayer Challenge? =-.
I guess my ideal age would be any time after now. If it happened next week, I suppose that would be fine. If it happened in 2 years, that would also be fine. I could have never pictured myself as a mother in my 20’s though. I’m 32 and only just now am I starting to get out of my selfish years.
I agree with you that there is no perfect time to have children. I had Chick when I was 26 and although I thought that was young at the time I now believe it was the perfect age as I’d travelled the World and started in my career!!
.-= Emma´s last blog ..And the Winner is……. =-.
I started dating my husband when I was 16 so by the time we got married when I was 21 we had grown up together & experienced everything that we personally wanted to experience with each other. We felt it was the “right time” for US to have a baby & I wouldn’t have had it any other way. We always wanted to be young parents & it’s nice to know that we’ll be done having babies by the time I’m 30!
Also, I grew up in Utah (but I’m not mormon), where it is “the norm” for women to get married & start having babies in their very early 20’s. I’m sure that had something to do with my state of mind. And I was never very career oriented either… I never had something I really wanted to do besides become a mother so that played a part in our wanting to become parents early in our marriage!
.-= Mrs.F´s last blog ..In case you’re dying to see what Miss G will be wearing on Easter… =-.
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Thank You!!
I wish I had time to read everyone’s comments, but sadly I just have a few moments before I have to hit the bed for the night. So here are my thoughts quickly….
I had my first child 3 months ago tomorrow and I will turn 33 later this month. For me, I think that was the perfect time to get pregnant because that was when it happened….ok, so I am not nearly that zen, but I wish I was. I have been in some form of baby crazy for about 3 years. I got married back in ’06 and was okay with waiting for a little while, but then something changed and I thought I became READY. What I know now is that I wasn’t really ready, I was just a bit crazy and I had to go through that to get my hubby on the path to being ready. He needed to warm up to the idea and my baby craziness helped him get there.
I am also glad that I didn’t have my first when I was in my 20s because I was too self-centered and way too consumed with becoming the best teacher I could be.
As for everyone else? I think ideally people wait till they are in the “right place” to have children whatever age that is…to me, the “right place” includes -(1) having a solid foundation with their significant other (ex. not having to convince the other that they MUST do this now), (2) be financially stable enough to have a child without public assistance, and (3) be ready to do it because their family doesn’t feel complete, not because everyone tells them it is time. All this being said, life isn’t ideal and I think that people can still be great parents despite not having one or more of these things in place.
.-= Being Mom…Now´s last blog ..4:30 am: where all good plans go to die [Guest Post] =-.
There’s not a perfect age to have children. If you wait around to have children, you might be too late. You may never have enough money, or a big enough house or accomplish all your goals but that is not important.
If you and your spouse care and love for each other, and feel that is right to have children, I say go for it. I promise you won’t regret it. You may not like all the LOST sleep you get, but I promise you when your child says “Mama” or “Dad” or “I love you” You won’t regret having them.
I had my first baby at about 23. I wasn’t ready. But who is?
I am glad I started then.
‘Cause at 34 I’m not sure I want anymore.
3 adorable girls later, and I might be done.
It is a beautiful thing.
Thanks for this post!
Very good. 😉
.-= Alexes Covington´s last blog ..A is for April Fool’s<—Yo! You, April Fool, let me tell you the basics of Blogging, K? =-.
I know there is no perfect age, but I really hope to have my first kid before I am 30, this is why I am planning it now. The Baby Plan is towards this journey.
xxxMsBabyPlan
.-= The Baby Plan´s last blog ..Thoughtful Wednesday =-.
Financially I might not be ready, but body and in some extent my are ready for that journey.
.-= The Baby Plan´s last blog ..Thoughtful Wednesday: I Am Free Willed =-.
I sure don’t think there’s a perfect age either! It depends on so much. However, I do also remember thinking when I first had mine, “Boy, am I glad I got my 20’s out of my system and advanced degrees out of the way first before I had kids!” Kids tend to interrupt things! I had my boy at 31 years old and feel like I can just focus on family and the basics of my job right now.
.-= Kristy´s last blog .."For the Average American Woman With No Servants" =-.
I got my BA at 21, started my career right away, got married at 22, and now I’m 25 (hubby is 28) and we are expecting our first. I absolutely agree that “the perfect time” is different for everyone. My hubby and I both agreed that we wanted to be married a few years, have time to enjoy each other, establish our careers, and do some traveling before we started a family. We wanted to make sure that our relationship was solid, and we were ready to give up or spontaneous plans and sleeping in before we had a baby.
I think there are pros and cons to having them young or older. If you are young you still have a lot of energy to keep up with them now, you have fertility on your side, and you will be younger with lots to time for ‘just the two of you’ when you become empty nesters. If you wait, you have more time for ‘just the two of you’ now, have more time to establish a career, and are more financially and emotionally stable when you start your family.
I don’t know if I’m actually “ready”, but I am so excited. I could go on and on about the factors that went into our decision to start our family now. But ultimately it is a very personal decision between the two of you.
.-= Pink Blogger´s last blog ..how he saved our baby =-.
I was…wait I have to do the math…ok: I was 26 (and mere days from 27) when I had my son. Waiting until I was older had nothing to do with work or school. I just wasn’t sure I wanted a baby. When my husband and I got married we agreed on waiting at least 5 years. However, when we found out he was going to deploy (1 year later), I realized that if something happened to my husband and we didn’t have a baby, I would be heartbroken to not have that piece of my husband….that piece of us. We decided to try and get pregnant. Luckily, we were able to…almost immediately. My hubs deployed 3 months before I was due, but he was able to come home for the birth. He left a week later and didn’t get to see his son until he was 9 months old. It was definitely an emotional decision, but it was the right one for us. I’m not sure I would have made that decision had I been younger. Plus, I’m not sure it would have been the right decision had I been younger. I’m so lucky to have a beautiful son and a wonderful husband to help raise him.
.-= A Yummy Mummy on a Pink Park Bench´s last blog ..Things That Make You Go Hmmm: Fish Naked =-.
I’m a bit late on this one. I honestly don’t think there is a perfect age to become a mom. I had my son when I was 24, and my daughter at 26. My husband and I got married young. I was 20 and he was 21. By the time we had him, we had already been married 4 years. He was a surprise baby, but an excellent surprise. When I got pregnant, it really pushed us to buy the house we had been saving for. Getting pregnant bettered our lives in so many ways. I have no regrets.
.-= Stefanie´s last blog ..Plaaaaaay Ball! =-.
I had just turned 25 when I had my first, just two years after we were married. There probably isn’t a perfect age, and while I could have done a bit more in life and my career had we waited longer, everything turned out fine. When the baby is here, the baby is here, right? No changing that. We have managed to travel quite a bit for a young couple with kids and although our social life is not as vibrant as before I look on the bright side (which is a LOT bigger than the dark side!
) and think about how young I will be when the kids are out of the house compared to my friends who are older than me and still not mothers. It’s one perk!
.-= Kat´s last blog ..It is time =-.
I had my first baby at 24yrs old, after being married for 5yrs. Looking back, it would have been nice if we were more financially stable but then, she wasn’t planned, either.
I’m not regretful of my children at all. Sure, we struggle, but my children are part of who I am, you know? I think this is probably why only 30% of Working Mothers feel that having children had a negative impact on their careers. Once you have children, it’s impossible to imagine life without them!
.-= ThoughtfulMomma´s last blog ..Weighty Wednesday 6 =-.
I’m not regretful of my children at all. Sure, we struggle, but my children are part of who I am, you know? I think this is probably why only 30% of Working Mothers feel that having children had a negative impact on their careers. Once you have children, it’s impossible to imagine life without them!Fun games</a
I agree with you that there is not 1 age that will be best for every one.
I had my first baby when my husband and I were 21. We started quite young, live in an apartment not a house, and are still figuring out “what to do with our lives”. But we LOVE our little boy, and love that we have started a family already. I wanted to have kids early, because I love kids!!! haha.
pros are that we can have a life of traveling and doing “exciting” things after our children are grown, when we have more $ and are wise enough to know what we want to do/make a difference in the world some how/some where.
cons are that most people we know at our stage of life, just starting families are in their 30s. While we are all still friends, there are some times when it gets awkward as they are talking about childhood memories of a time when we were not yet living :/
there’s good and bad no matter what. They key is just to enjoy it whenever it may be 😀