While driving in the car with my four year-old son the other day I had an eye-opening conversation. Out of nowhere he said to me, “Mommy, I miss Nana. Why did she have to go to heaven? When will I see her again?”
It wasn’t until I realized that we were passing the cemetery on the way to school as he was pointing out the window and remembering. He recollected everything about the day we buried her like it was yesterday and he was only three at the time. He remembered the music at the church, the tears at the service and the flowers throughout the burial. I was so taken back at his ability to articulate so many details from that day.
We briefly talked about Nana and heaven, and since he had so many clear memories of this I decided to ask him about some other moments we have shared as a family, more of happier times by trying to make the conversation a bit lighter (especially right before dropping him off at school). I said to him, “Remember before the weather got cooler, Daddy and I took you to the zoo and you got to see all the animals?”
“No.”
“You don’t remember walking through the gates to see the pigs, alligators and even a snake?”
“No. When did we go there?”
I couldn’t believe it. I continued, “You seriously don’t remember our trip to the zoo? It wasn’t even that long ago!”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well then, what do you remember?”
“I remember that you yelled at me last night because I didn’t eat my dinner.”
The car slowly came to a halt and my heart sank. My son, the child who remembers every vivid detail of my Nana’s passing – the same child who has not one memory of the happy trip to the zoo, DOES indeed remember the tone of my voice that evening and that I was angry with him.
Parent FAIL.
Obviously, this is not what I want my child to remember. I have no control on what my son does and does not remember. However, I am choosing to forget the moment in which I yelled at him the night before while losing my patience; for snapping, barking, and bickering over a silly plate of uneaten food.
Is this what I want my child to reflect on as he thinks of his own childhood? The moments that I have been a mother low on patience with a voice that sometimes reflects resentment, stress and sheer tiredness?
No, which is why I am grateful I do get another chance to make this right. I am given a new day to try harder, learn from my mistakes and ultimately, become a better mother in the process.
Because my son certainly deserves it and so do I, even in the midst of a pile of ketchup and uneaten chicken fingers.
found you on the MBC forum! Following now.
follow me? http://doubledutymommy19.blogspot.com
Its amazing how much we can learn from children!
It’s really a mind-boggling phenomena that humans remember the bad stuff more than the good. I strangely recall seeing a frightening scene of a man about ready to cut off a woman’s breast. I asked my mom about it when I was only six. She told me that the scene I described in detail was from a drive-in movie that my dad and she had gone to. I had been only 19 months old at the time…
My son has said many similar things that just break my heart. I hate not knowing if he is going to remember the good times or only the bad. But you are right, the only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes!
Last night my oldest told me he didn’t like me because I wouldn’t give him anymore food after he went to bed.
This afternoon he commented on a character in the book who was being mean to his mama – “I would never be mean to my mama.”
I’m lucky he still loves me enough to forget starving =)
My son is just starting to re-enact moments in our day-to-day lives with his stuffed animals. It doesn’t seem that bad, but for some reason it completely breaks my heart when he puts Elmo in our designated kitchen chair and heatedly states, “Elmo, time out!” He then sits on the couch with his arms crossed looking over at me and in a disappointed tone repeats, “Elmo, time out.”
i remember when i was 15 and a skater punk. i ripped a new pair of jeans when i fell and my dad yelled at me…that’s almost all i remember of that entire year. it’s sad sometimes what memories kids latch onto…now that i’m older, i know how frustrating going into the office every day can be (and then to be greeted at home by your child’s ripped pair of $80 designer jeans sure doesn’t help). think twice, speak once…so much harder as a parent…
Wow, that is pretty powerful stuff. Makes you think huh? Like you said, we are blessed with a new day to make things right, I will definitely take advantage!
Today has been a terribly emotional day for me (we buried my husband’s 21 year old cousin). I have spent much of the day hugging my sons, just trying to love on them as much as I can.
Your post is just another reminder to me to cherish what I have, and to not sweat the small stuff.
Thank you.
There are so many moments when I’ve had a parental failure moment. When suddenly I look at myself through my childrens’ eyes, and am completely ashamed. But I can keep working on making it better.
Thank goodness each day is a new chance. I think in the long run they remember the good with the bad though and that the good always outweighs the bad. Plus, when they get married and have babies they will totally GET us and in fact be so thankful for all we did.
SO well said. Especially touching as I yelled at my daughter tonight when she was screaming and wouldn’t let me wash her filthy hands.
Thanks for the reminder.
Oh, I’ve had way too many of those times. I try to block them from my memory too.
Here’s to tomorrow…and all the good memories you’ll create.
I cannot believe he remembered that and he was only 3 years old. That’s so amazing to me. I guess even at that age they can sense was is truely worth remembering.
Keeping myself in check isn’t always easy… My little munchkin is only 6 months and I “count to 1o” on a daily basis. I am working on my patience now so it will hopefully get easier as her and I BOTH grow up. Knowing that tomorrow is ANOTHER DAY is really comforting and can always bring hope for more smile than the day before!
Nobody is perfect, I know I am FAR from it. Chin up hun! 😉
I have been saying this a lot lately…Children are the best teachers…I know it is corny but it is true.
I needed this post today…I am currently in the running for “Mother of the Year” after today.
There is just no chance of keeping your cool 100% of the time. Luckily, as you said, we get lots of chances to get it right.
I’ve started asking my daughter, “what was your favorite part of the day?” at bedtime. Each of us answers and it helps us end each day with a good memory.
I worry about this a lot. It does seem like only the bad sticks with our kids.
Oh, the same thing happened to me. When you’re young, the bad stuff is remembered because it strikes you as so unfair. As we age we tend to remember the good because it’s worth occupying space in our hearts. I am thankful everyday for the opportunity to “make it right” even though I crash and burn much of the time. Like most moms, I never stop trying.
Wow. This one really hits the spot. These are the kinds of things that keep me up some nights…the times when I just totally blew it and cringe at the memory of when I LOST IT with my kids. The yelling, the harsh words that made them feel small. It breaks my heart. BUT then I also remember that I’m human and I will make mistakes…and like you…I get another chance to make it right. GREAT POST!!! Thank you! It’s always nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
OMG. That makes me feel so bad. I don’t care how much Xanax I take, I still lose my cool on a regular basic & I hate to think that’s all my children remember of their childhood.
It is sad that they remember the times we had little patience. Most of those moments for me are when we are eating, at least the rest of us, and the daughter is playing with food.
My daughter was 3 when her grandpa passed away, she remembers the funeral rather vividly though she has conveniently forgotten that when she had to use the bathroom she pulled down her underpants and went on a nearby grave during the service (the funeral was held outside in the cemetery). Too bad I can’t forget.
That’s deep. I think what you have to hold onto is the fact he feels safe enough to articulate how he felt when you yelled at him. We all lose our patience, but it’s the underlying security that counts and that’s what he’ll hold onto throughout his growing up years.
The important thing is that we stop to pay attention and acknowledge where we’re weak and that our kids see that we’re flawed but that we’re trying. Not a ‘fail’ but a ‘could do better’ maybe. Thanks for posting!
Heather don’t beat yourself up about this – you’ll be doing a lot more yelling as he gets older. He remembered this because it was fresh on his mind. Continue the fun family moments, and they will help him grow into a well-rounded boy.
My husband yells at the twins when they don’t want to eat, and I tell him that if they don’t want to eat, then they’re not hungry. Of course, that means no dessert.
My oldest is the same way. He is 10 and can remember “bad things” from 7 years ago. *sigh*
You just voiced one of my greatest fears for my children – that they’ll only remember the horrible moments. We took our daughter on her first camping trip for her 9th birthday. We had a fabulous time. But the only thing she remembers is the huge disagreement (ok, it was a fight) her dad and I had over the struggles we were having over our impending adoption of her little brother. Huge fail! Epic fail! I should have been fired for losing my temper on her special trip.
Saw your blog on ToyMommyBlogs.com. Thought it looked interesting. I would normally read your whole post before commenting, but it has been a busy week, and I have been waiting two days to get to it and still haven’t. So I am just saying “HI!” and letting you know that I am following you.
I am so grateful for the life that God has allowed me to live. I love my husband and children dearly and they make me so happy. But I realize that while I’m so focused on cooking and cleaning and getting here and there on time, I’m not being the mom/wife that my family needs me to be. Like you, I often yell and show impatience with my children because I have a “to-do” list to complete before the next day. That makes me sad. I don’t want to be that kind of mom. I want to be a patient mom. I don’t want my children to be afraid of me. I’m so happy for another day to try harder and do better.
Hello there!
I found you through the “Friday Follow” and decided to follow you through Google Friend Connect. I’m looking forward to further exploring your blog! Come on over and visit us when you get a free moment. Happy blog hopping! <3
Love this post. And it’s given me something to think about when I’m frustrated with my little one. I’m trying, day by day, to be a better mother!
following you from MBC!
This post was a reality check. I’m going to think about this the next time I’m tempted to yell.
This is so true.
I find the same with my son. He remembers so many thing you think he’d forget or was too young to remember….. silly, sometimes embarrassing things- like losing my temper… and has little to no recollection of vacations, beach moments– you know the fun stuff! lol
It is our kids who ultimately keep us in check — right??
Great post…i definitely relate to what you wrote about.
I hope to remember this post when Alexa gets a wee bit older and starts to remember. I would really hate it if she starts down my path on dwelling on the negative (specially if I’m the negative!).
I think about this all the time since it’s true we remember the negative much better than the positive. I started making a point to compliment my kids at least 5 times a day, which is sometimes very difficult. But then one little thing happens, they are sent to the corner, daddy comes home and their report for the day only includes the 3 or 4 minutes in the corner. What to do, what to do??
livingalifeofbliss.blogspot.com
Thank goodness every day is a new day. A fresh start. And yes, it’s frustrating sometimes that kids’ memories seem to be selective. Sure, go ahead & remember that I yelled at you in the grocery store for putting crap in the cart, but forget about how we cuddled and read your favorite Pinkalicious book about 82 times that same morning. ugh!!!
Oh my gosh! My children’s “Nana” (my mom) is battling the toughest battle with cancer, and asks everyday about Nana going to heaven. The irony.
I can imagine how your heart sank when he remembered the bark at the dinner table, but not the unbelievably fun memories you had hoped he’d store away. I love your new approach to change… as it serves as a SERIOUS reminder to ME that I NEED to look up, and not down.
Thank you for this! It is always good to step back and think of the things that are most important in our lives!
It’s about forgiving yourself too.. no ones perfect, that I know anyway
So true. I try to live that motto every day. I have thought about tatooing carpe diem on my hand so I will see it throughout the day.
Layla Grace;s story, I am sure you have heard about her and her family, has really touched me. It has helped me to keep things in perspective like that. I am remembering to really live each moment with my kids. Don’t worry, I am not ignoring them at this moment, one is at school, and one is sleeping while I catch up with blogging.
So true. I try to live that motto every day. I have thought about tatooing carpe diem on my hand so I will see it throughout the day.
Layla Grace’s story, I am sure you have heard about her and her family, has really touched me. It has helped me to keep things in perspective like that. I am remembering to really live each moment with my kids. Don’t worry, I am not ignoring them at this moment, one is at school, and one is sleeping while I catch up with blogging.
I love that you turn things into positive situations and teachable moments. Having teachable moments isn’t just for our kids.
Oh my gosh… that is so sad and sweet at the same time. And that would break my heart. And I know my 4 year old, and my 3 year old even, totally remember when I yell at them. I hate yelling, but sometimes I do. And it’s not right of me to do so. And you wouldn’t believe how amazing their memory is from a very young age. They do remember things. So it’s extra important for us to remember – I have to constantly remmber this myself, you know? Great post.
JennyMac and Loukia – Thank you both for the encouragement – it’s a great reminder as a mother to learn from these situations.
Oh poor baby… I tell ya those moments in life always stay with you in detail. I was 5 when my dad’s sister died.. and I can remember alot of stuff from it.. I don’t know why.. well he loved her so much so it is understandable.
You are such a good mommy
My son surprises me with the things he remembers at two. He doesn’t seem to remember things like don’t play with the VCR. He does remember that he loved to sing Twinkle Twinkle with his grandfather who just passed away.
Stopping from SITS!
We had a conversation with our son a couple weeks ago as we kind of got loud with Gavyn. He asked hubby if he was going to come home. Hubby said of course why? Cuz you got mad at me. ….. Reality Check! We have since learned from that and decided no more yelling, we will talk everything out and not raise our voices. Our children are sensitive to this. I can do so much better as a parent. This was a wonderful post!
Thank you so much Nichol!