While driving in the car with my four year-old son the other day I had an eye-opening conversation. Out of nowhere he said to me, “Mommy, I miss Nana. Why did she have to go to heaven? When will I see her again?”
It wasn’t until I realized that we were passing the cemetery on the way to school as he was pointing out the window and remembering. He recollected everything about the day we buried her like it was yesterday and he was only three at the time. He remembered the music at the church, the tears at the service and the flowers throughout the burial. I was so taken back at his ability to articulate so many details from that day.
We briefly talked about Nana and heaven, and since he had so many clear memories of this I decided to ask him about some other moments we have shared as a family, more of happier times by trying to make the conversation a bit lighter (especially right before dropping him off at school). I said to him, “Remember before the weather got cooler, Daddy and I took you to the zoo and you got to see all the animals?”
“No.”
“You don’t remember walking through the gates to see the pigs, alligators and even a snake?”
“No. When did we go there?”
I couldn’t believe it. I continued, “You seriously don’t remember our trip to the zoo? It wasn’t even that long ago!”
“No, I don’t.”
“Well then, what do you remember?”
“I remember that you yelled at me last night because I didn’t eat my dinner.”
The car slowly came to a halt and my heart sank. My son, the child who remembers every vivid detail of my Nana’s passing – the same child who has not one memory of the happy trip to the zoo, DOES indeed remember the tone of my voice that evening and that I was angry with him.
Parent FAIL.
Obviously, this is not what I want my child to remember. I have no control on what my son does and does not remember. However, I am choosing to forget the moment in which I yelled at him the night before while losing my patience; for snapping, barking, and bickering over a silly plate of uneaten food.
Is this what I want my child to reflect on as he thinks of his own childhood? The moments that I have been a mother low on patience with a voice that sometimes reflects resentment, stress and sheer tiredness?
No, which is why I am grateful I do get another chance to make this right. I am given a new day to try harder, learn from my mistakes and ultimately, become a better mother in the process.
Because my son certainly deserves it and so do I, even in the midst of a pile of ketchup and uneaten chicken fingers.
As mothers we have all fallen short in our roles as parent, nurse, chef, housekeeper, and sanitation manager. Most likely we learned our roles from watching our own mothers. Sometimes they fell short and missed the mark too.
But, if we were really lucky (blessed!) we also learned grace, compassion, and how to say I’m sorry when we hurt someone. We learned that everything we do will come full circle in its own time.
For me, I learned that when my mom died and I found myself pondering the hundreds of thousands of moments that made up my life with this amazing woman. I remembered very few of the times she yelled at me (and when she did I completely deserved it) and instead I remembered her sweetness, her passion for others, and her greatest life’s work: Mommy to my sisters and I.
Something tells me that is exactly the way it is supposed to be.
We learn through adversity and through our mistakes.
It’s easy to get caught up in “life” and forget that our kids hear more than we think. I’m sure you’ll make more memories with him and he’ll remember his future trips to the zoo. Reflecting will make you grow as a mom.
I think it is life and it is inevitable that at one point or another we are going to lose patience at some point in the presence of our children, and unfortunately, like society starts teaching them on day one, it is not unnatural to focus on the negative things. Just recognizing this and having it sit there in your subconscious will help, I’m sure!
I completely understand you. It was only recently that I realized my children were old enough that some of the memories they are making will be “lifetime” memories. This realization has definitely made me stop and think, and choose my words wisely.
Btw, I think there’s something about the death of a loved one which sticks with a child for some reason. I have a cousin who was tragically killed in a car accident a year and a half ago. For several reasons, we didn’t let the girls come to the funeral. However we still talked about it in depth. To this day, my youngest daughter (4) will be in the car with me and say “Mom, remember when Heidi went to Heaven? Why did that happen?” She was 3 at the time my cousin died, so I thought if either of my children would remember it would be the older one. So amazing what a child that young can remember.
Ouch! I plead “guilty as charged” but may add “temporary insanity”. I never intended to raise my voice to my daughter, but somehow life got in the way. I try to do better and, sometimes I do, for a while anyway. This makes my feel like a horrible mother. I console myself…I’m a good mother in other ways…
These little wake up calls are what keep us mama’s on our toes! I think it is really special that he remembers a day that really was a more significant event…and it is kind of cute, that he came back at you with the dinner comment. The other day I flipped out at my two because they weren’t helping pick up…after the whole thing passed, I was so mad at myself for getting so upset. There was NO reason that the toys had to be picked up at THAT moment. Funny how there are moments that we choose to let get to us and later realize it was kind of silly…like what they are wearing, if they cleaned up, if they ate their dinner, etc.
Speaking as a mother of children ranging in age from 21 through 16 I can tell you with out a shred of doubt that there are no perfect parents…and of course it stands to reason that there are no perfect children.
We all do our best…It is not a parent fail…it is only our own humanity. It would be a parent fail for a child to grow up thinking that his mother is some type of robot or zombie because she never loses her temper or raises her voice. That is not real. So, do your best and give yourself a break. Trust me when I tell you that by the time your son has grown from 4 to 21 you will have had plenty of opportunities to really fail him. That is what parenting is about. It’s not perfection. It’s not even anything close to perfection. It’s struggling through knowing that you could never be good enough for these amazing children. But, forgiveness is a miracle and even more so when we apply it to ourselves.
So, please go easy on yourself. You are not a failure. This does not in any way constitute a parenting fail. Next month he will not even remember it.
I remember wishing that I knew as much when my children were teenagers as I did when they were toddlers.
Oh goodness! Kids have SUCH a way of making us feel terrible! You are definitely not a failure and he is still young, he’ll remember a lot of happy memories too!
It happens to the best of us. The important part is to try and not beat ourselves up for our failures because we also have many successes, some of which we just don’t see. But I do hear about them from other people. I know I lose it with my kids, and they are old enough, teenagers, to understand some of why I lose it, but that doesn’t make it right or me happy. All we can do is keep trying day after day to be the best mom we can be.
I’m so glad you shared this with us…..I’m just as guilty about forgetting what our children remember and what their little ears do hear. It doesn’t mean you failed, moms are human beings (super human beings mind you lol) and we make mistakes. My kids have remembered the craziest things like specifically that I yelled at them for something and even remember the exact words I said from years ago, but can’t remember details for a week long vacation. Don’t worry…you are a great mom and there is no manual telling us what to do.
(((Hugs)))
Ladies – Thanks for your encouragement. I know I am not perfect, nor am I aiming for perfection, I just don’t want those “not so great” moments to define me as a mother.
Ouch. I know that God awful feeling of thinking you’ve failed and wondering if maybe you are completly ill-equipped to be a mother- alas, we are all but human, no? Note to self … pick the battles and let the rest be.
All my days are make-up days.
And I’m working my way to no “do-overs”
(-:
Great reminder that we do make mistakes and that we can learn from them, AND that kids have such short memories and that we can have do-overs. As a classroom teacher, I’ve found that admitting we had a hard day and will try harder the next day makes a huge impression on kids. I am hoping to apply this humility to my role as mom.
Ahhh….we all do it and the regret is always there…Yes, FORTUNATELY we get many chances to do it right!
My weakness..
http://melonbelly.blogspot.com/2010/03/m-o-m.html
Thank goodness for second chances. We all fall short at times. Parenting is a learning process. I try every day not to yell, but many days I do. I remember a conversation with my own mother about my guilt over yelling at my kids and failing as a parent and she sarcastically said “Oh, well I’m sure you were never yelled at as a kid.” Her point was that all parents lose it from time to time. Funny thing is, I don’t really remember her yelling much.
I think as mothers we all have these experiences at some point or another. I am unfortunitly a yeller mom. And I have continued to work on that because like you I don’t want thier memories of me to be only negative memories. My oldest has an amazing memory and she still remembers the day she said her last goodbye to her papa “with the booboo eyes” She was only two years old and she really hadn’t seen her great grandfather very often but she does remember saying goodbye to him just hours before he died. And although this is a sad memory for her to remember I know that it makes my Husband feel good that she still remembers him (and brings it up all the time)
I can completely relate to this. I try to make more of an effort to not yell and be silly. Last weekend all 4 of us were outside building snowmen, having a snowball fight, and just being silly together. Later that night my daughter asks why I am grumpy and never smile or laugh. I didn’t understand why she didn’t think about what we all were doing just a few hours earlier.
In the end, I think our kids will remember the good. Like you said, we are given more opportunities to try harder. As long as we don’t take advantage of having another day, I think it will all work out in the end.
We all have those moments. I was thinking about this last night “what do I remember as a kid”. There are only a few times getting punished I remember ( I know there were more) but I really remember outings and fun stuff, but most of that is after 4th grade.. much before that is a blur.. lol..
that’s the beauty of parenting we live an learn..
at least it wasn’t something dumb.. last weekend my daughter called a duck a bird.. i said “it’s not a bird it’s a duck” then started laughing.. you should have seen the confused look on her face.. the sad thing I was HONESTLY saying that, and as soon as it came out.. I realized what I said and laughed so hard!!! we still laugh at it…
Been there, done that, really hoping that mine is too young to remember the way I sometimes lose my patience. Ugh.
Wow! This one hits close to home! I’ve been trying to work on this very issue. Thanks for this post!
We all definitely have those moments. I hate when I lose my patience. I try so hard not to. because I don’t want my kids to remember me yelling over happy memories. So I can relate. But mommies are human. And like you said we all get a new day to try harder.
great post!
there is no control over what they remember, but they always say its the experiences not the things. my four year old and i battle over food nightly as well, and you and I both know it would be easier for us to let them eat what they want and not have the fight…but its because you want them to eat well and that you care about their health that the arguing begins. so don’t feel badly. but not too long ago my son said to me, lets play the opposite game “i’ll be angry, and you be upset”. my stomach dropped and I realized that I am coming across angry a good portion of the time, and that is no good, i have re-evaluated our relationship and have really stepped back and looked at what battles i just need to let go of.
I was just thinking of the same thing yesterday because I was so tired and so crabby that I snapped at my 2 youngest who just looked at me. I felt so horrible!!!! And it was right after I did it and saw the looks in their faces that I thought they must be seeing me as some kind of monster. I’ve been so tired and so stressed about money but it’s not fair to take it out on them. So I’m trying to work on this! And like you, thankful to learn from it and fix it.
Hugs to you!!!!
Wow. Kids remember so much. I’ve never realized it.
I too just lost my mom this past year and also struggle to keep her memories vibrant in the minds of my little ones. We all get caught up in the day to day. It’s more important to focus on the joys in life than on the stressors. That is one thing I admired most. The ability to appreciate and enjoy every moment.
Oops – what I admired most about my mom was her ability to enjoy each and every moment.
My children do not remember any of the good times. The memories I cherish as a healthy mother. They don’t remember. This hurts because as my illness took over I became crazier and crazier. Now I am just the Crazy Mother and that is the only person my children remember. Thetamom dont repeat my mistakes, keep celebrating the good and hold tight.
Oops – it’s what I admired most about my mom. Thank heaven we have another day/moment to start anew.
I know your little guy will soon forget that his mommy yelled at him b/c he didn’t finish his dinner…
You guys probably make beautiful memories all the time…and when he gets older and reflects on the bigger picture …
It won’t be from a therapists couch because he will grow to be a happy, well adjusted man…who was raised by good parents (who disciplined him when necessary but also showed him lots of love).
Ginny – Actually, just wanted to clarify, I lost my Nana (which was my Grandmother) and we – including my son – called her the same. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. Losing my Nana was hard enough, I can’t even imagine losing my mom. Makes me even more appreciative of this precious life we are given and to make the most of our days. This post was certainly a wake-up call for me, especially as a mother.
I needed to read this today. As I sit here looking at a big ole pile of chips that my 3 year old daughter “dropped” in the floor. :0) I’m reminded that it will clean up and we will forget it was there. Had I yelled at her, that might have never been forgotten. Thank you so much for this post!
Excellent post and point! We as parents get so caught up in our day to day occurences and without even thinking twice snap at our children who just want you to read them a story (sure it’s the same one everyday but who knows they may be a great author one day). I also am guilty of this. And you are absolutely right, our children do deserve better as so do we. It’s time we start thinking twice before we do these things and handle our stress in a different manner.
Have a blessed day! Hug your family and tell them you love them everyday!
Thanks for the great post!
Thank the Lord we have a new beginning each day and so happy that you realize it! The “eye openers” are meant to teach us.
I can so relate. Been there too many times. Sometimes I felt, still do at times, that I am standing outside my body thinking shut up, this is NOT who you are, what you want to say, do. Being a parent is tough and I know even with always, the best of intentions, we don’t always say and do what we want to or should. My youngest graduates this year (already!!!) and there are times I still want to just tell me to shut up. I have looked back and reflected lately, hoping I did okay, raising my four kids. Thinking what an awesome responsibility that was. But the most rewarding and wonderful thing I have ever done in my life.
Kid’s really know how to kick you when you’re down, huh? Especially super smart, awesome four year old’s. You gotta read my post from earlier this week. I was in total need of a mom groove overhaul. Happens to the best of us. Here’s the link: http://livefromthefence.blogspot.com/2010/02/mommy-dearest-momming-it-up-joan.html
That sucks. My kids remember things that I wish they wouldn’t too.
Only, the other day my 4 year old says, “mommy, ‘member last night when I wouldn’t eat my dinner and you yelled at me and stuff?”
I say, “Yeah…”
He says, “that was funny.”
What?!
Mimi – I know what you mean, it makes me wonder what they really WILL remember, ya know?
“The sheer tiredness” of motherhood: Yes! Thank goodness for fresh starts, flexible children, chicken fingers you can put in the fridge.
Trying to remember that the whole point in having kids is the amazing sweetness they bring to our lives and others, sometimes gets jumbled amongst the ruined walls, lamps, couches, well pretty much everything they get their little hands on. Thanks, ThetaMom, for reminding us.
The great part is…you get to try again. Trust me, there are a zillion positive things etched into his subconscious…..like the way you smell to him, and how you tuck him in at night, and make his favorite food, and tell him you’re proud of him.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember that you are indeed his mom and that you will need to guide him. It starts with chicken fingers, but eventually it will move to curfews, respecting others, bringing the car back in one piece, etc… My mom was tough on me, and I remember some stupid things that got me a nice piece of her mind, but when I think of her, I only think of the loving guidance and how for every time I got scolded, I also got tons of kisses and praise when I was good. Me and my brothers (my mother is a SAINT, I can assure you) turn out ok thanks to her love AND the times she raised her voice.
These moments don’t define you. I know they might feel like they do at times. All you can do is move forward. Our kids aren’t always going to like what we have to say to them. I know that I don’t even like having to say that stuff. Discipline stinks! As your little one gets older he’ll remember more of the good stuff, I’m sure.
To often I forget that my daughter is old enough to remember some things. I often don’t stop and think before I speak. Remember, he will remember lots of good stuff. I don’t think it is bad that they sometimes hear us be human. Afterall, they will have plenty of those moments themselves.
But THIS is when you get to teach him about forgiveness and that even mommies and daddies make mistakes.
The power of forgiveness is a wonderful thing to teach.
I have MANY parenting fails — especially while a hormonal pregnant woman!
I promise, he may remember, but I seriously doubt he’s wounded emotionally. Big hugs lady…
This post made me really think. Your kiddo is older which is why he remembered the incident of last night. I sometimes get impatient with my one year old, and he won’t remember later on, but that’s not an excuse.
Your a great mom!!! This will just help you correct your mistake.
Like always, great posts!! =D
I hear what you are saying but I’m not sure if that is in your control. The reason I am saying this is because I have always remembered the sad and hurtful things in my life. I have also had very beautiful things that have happened in my life, the others are just more vivid. I didn’t decide to do this it’s just how my brain works. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong in your parenting.
Thanks for sharing. It’s hard to tell others about our failures, but I’m glad you did, because it helps to know I’m not the only one who messing things up. Thank God we get second, third, fourth, etc, chances. And I hope I learn to stay a little more calm with my kids and focus on the big stuff not the little things.
wow. great reminder. I always (although not perfect) try to use a tone of voice that is gentle. I remember when i was little that my mom was always snapping at us, stomping her feet, and getting angry. and while i’m certain that she would do things differently had she had the chance, i certainly don’t want my daughter to have memories like that.
great post girl!
Ladies – I really appreciate your comments and I can see how you easily relate to this as well. We are not perfect moms, but it’s so easy to get caught up in the moment. Certainly was a wake-up call for this mama.