I was talking to a good friend of mine recently. She just had her second child and she is reeling from the fact that it is much harder going from mommy of one to mommy of two. I know this all so well…
Before I became pregnant with my first, I was newly married and living in a condo. At the time, this was all we could afford and it was our own little place.
The sad part is that I didn’t realize how good I had it when I lived there. Instead of marveling at less house to clean and children to chase, the entire time I lived there I was wishing for the next phase in our lives. I was too busy dreaming of buying a “real” house with a garage, yard and white picket fence, including the 2+ children running around to realize how good I really had it. I could kick myself now for wishing that part of my life away.
Back then, I was able to work out religiously every single morning at the gym because I had the time.
I was already finished with graduate school, so I took a pottery class just for fun because I had the time.
Shopping used to be a daily excursion and a fun one at that. I could try on clothes and browse a million stores because I had the time.
I could take a long shower, get a manicure, pedicure, my hair done, all of the above because I had the time.
Back then, I didn’t have children to raise. There wasn’t a lawn to mow, a pool to clean or a bigger home to maintain. Nope, it was just my hubs and I and our 900 sq. ft. condo that really was every square inch of perfect for us. Life was so much easier, simpler. Forgiving.
Fast-forward seven years later and after the selling & purchase of two more homes and the birth of two children, here we are.
To me, this part of my life has been a rebirth of our relationship in so many ways. Children will do that to you, and nobody ever told me how much the Earth would shift when I had children of my own. Nobody ever spelled out the whole “you-won’t-have-much-time-to-yourself” reality. Sounds quite selfish, but that’s the truth.
Where were my Theta Moms back then to fill me in on the real deal?
You know I love my family more than anything and I am so grateful for them. My life is so much fuller now and I do know how blessed I am to be living this beautiful life. If you missed that post you can read it here. However, I do recognize the fact that it IS so important to find some time for myself. No matter what anyone says, I know I am a better mother to my kids when I get some “me” time. I have more energy and definitely more patience. That whole time out thing was a wake up call for me this week, when I was such a lame hostess of my own party!
As I often find myself blogging, I’m trying to make sense of it all. I’m navigating my way to get to what’s really important in this thing called motherhood. I have since come to acknowledge that one of the many realities of motherhood is that time is a thief. So going forward, it’s how I choose to manage and juggle it all that will make the difference.
Beautifully said. Before you have kids, it is hard to imagine what it really takes to raise and care for them properly (I was dumbfounded at the whole experience). All moms need me time..we are still people too!
Holly @ 504 Main
So true…
You speak such words of Truth. I love how you gently remind us (moms) that it is OK to have some time for ourselves. I think that sometimes, we (I) feel guilty for wanting that as we (I) feel it would project a imagine or thought of not appreciating every moment with our children. But, I do know that I am a better mom when I take those over-due much needed "therapy sessions" even if it is mindless browsing at Target.
Thanks for keeping it real…..
xox
*~Michelle~*
I can't believe how much free time I used to have and I can't remember what I used to do with it! lol I wish I had some of that time now!
This was great to read as I am currently at the point where you were 7 years ago- wishing away this duplex and wanting to add kids to the mix. You have reminded me to enjoy what we have now! Thanks!
So very true! I need to have my best friend read this, she feels so guilty when she gets some time to herself. And I tell her its ok, we need some time to ourselves!
I was just talking about this very thing with a dear friend of mine the other day! As you know I am about to make that jump from 1-2 and the limited free time I have now, will be gone. I am trying to brainstorm some ways to continue to carve out "Me" time but I know it will be awhile (or at least until the breast feeding is under control). I always feel guilty leaving my husband with my son and try to make sure that he gets me time too….but lately, he has gotten a hell of a lot more than me. I guess we need to find the balance.
I don't know if irony is really the right word, but isn't that the way – how we wish for the future and for things to happen faster, only to become overwhelmed and wishing (or at least daydreaming of) the past? I think these same things sometimes. Especially when recollecting an amazing vacation we went on, or when we were free to just drop everything and go to the movies. It is hard, and I definitely acknowledge and appreciate a need for "me" time. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who understands.
Good Luck finding and keeping that balance of time – it is a constant battle, that's for sure.
You speak the truth!!
I can hardly remember just shopping for fun. Now, shopping is nothing even close to fun. It's all about hurrying in to get whatever you can because you only have "x" minutes.
And OMG yes, the transition from 1 to 2 children is HARD. So hard. NOBODY talks about that. They wait until you have the second and then say, "Oh yeah, that was really hard." Grr.
Agreement! There used to be all the time in the world, now there's hardly time to pee.
So true. I definitely wish someone had told me to appreciate all those little things before I had kids. I don't know that I would have believed them but if I had maybe I wouldn't miss it so much now. I also get incredibly jealous of my husband because he leaves the house and has time to himself, can run to a store at lunch or a restaurant. I agree I love my kids and am happy with my life now, it's just a different type of life. One that makes me really appreciate taking long showers, sleeping in and having money to shop!
I was just telling my hubby that when he retires or maybe before, I am definantly looking forward to downsizing – mostly it is because the yard and this square footage is a time sucker. I really don't want to spend retirement weeding and dusting on a large scale. Yes, kids quash the me time, but it is so worth it. Doing as you recommend, etching out an hour a week, is such a great idea.
here I am all broody and set to get #2 on the way and you go and say stuff like this! AH!
You know, it's all so true and if anything, reading this made me feel really sad. Sad for us that we do find it so hard for even an hour of "me" time. And I don't know about anyone else, but for me I feel immensely guilty when I ask for it.
And, although I understand things have changed for my Husband as well and he has less "him" time… It doesn't compare to us at all. If only for the fact that even when I have me time, I am giddy to finish me time so that I can get back to doing all my chores/etc!
I too love my life, I'm blessed with a beautiful child and a lovely husband… I think that is why it is harder to feel this way because I can't justify why I want a break. Or even in my darkest moments, to run away.
Trying to reign in my time and keep it under control is one of my biggest challenges!
Well said, for sure. It is amazing how different your life is before children enter the picture – every single outing now has to be so well planned… and going out on a whim is just not that possible anymore… it's amazing how many things we accomplish in a day now that we are moms! I hate hearing about how tired people who don't have kids are! It's not true! I remember those days, you know! And life was wayyyy more simple!
Very nicely said. Heck I don't even have a minute to pee by myself with out someone barging in the doors. LOL I really need to go and get my nails done or something so I can get some time to myself.
Now I'm back to the part where I have time again, but I often wish I still had the little ones running underfoot…
This is a struggle EVERY DAY isn't it? I wish it were easier to balance. So many things, so much!
Lovely
Isn't it amazing how easily we can forget the passing of time… and then sometimes how powerful the lack of time can be! There just are not enough minutes in an hour.
Kids are a beautiful thing, with their only little time sucking device included!
Happy Tuesday to you and I hope you get some good you time!
Well put as always! I too wished for the next phase of our lives. Now, I can't even remember when the last time I washed my hair was… Oh yeah, I did that for my time-out!
Never thought I would have to plan to wash my hair!
Organization and time management is key. My blog post today provides resources for those.
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
p.s. you better take a fab time-out this week for skipping last week's.
You always have a way of putting into words what so many of us moms are thinking and feeling. Often I feel guilty for wishing I had more time to myself because there was a time way back when I would wish I could be up in the middle of the night with a screaming baby.
Yes, no one tells you how much freedom, independence and flexibility you lose once you become a mom. No one gives you tips on how to juggle it all. Going from a family of just the 2 of us…then to the 4 of us…then to the 6 of us in such a short time totally turned my world upside down. Now I look back and wonder how did I do it all??
We all get through it somehow. We find a way…and when we do, we'll be happy to share it with the world so hopefully they, too, won't have the same struggles!
I feel guilty when I take a day away from Andrew to get my hair done and take care of any doctor appointments I may have. My post yesterday was about how time quickly passes and I have no idea where the past 20 months have gone though I've spent almost every day with him since his birth.
You speak for a lot of us stressed out moms. Love the post. Enjoy every free moment you can get
Enjoy those busy kid moments too. They all do grow up fast!
It is not selfish to wish you had more time to yourself. Everyone needs time to regroup, to breathe again. No one informed me either of how much my life would change and not really in the "for the better" direction either. A lot of the time I end up feeling defeated. But, it passes and then I go on again. I, too, remember the days of pedicures, shopping, sleeping in, stopping for a quick coffee, relaxing, reading a book, etc, etc, etc. Those days are gone for a while. But, really, it's okay. As miserable as I am sometimes, I still wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. Motherhood must be one of the only things in life where you are miserable and exhausted and lacking in self care, but you would still rather stay in it than not.
I know how you feel! I remember when my husband and I lived in our downtown condo…we always had a hard time just getting dinner organized. Now 4 years later plus a house and new baby I can't believe how much time I once had!
Also thank you for reminding me to take a timeout this week ROFL.. I am soo going to try.
I really and truly and with you on this one. I love that song "your gonna miss this" because it is so totally true. I try and warn my younger friends of this. I feel like I "wished" my life away. I was so impatient, just wanting and worrying all the time. But part of the fun and excitement of life is having that to look FORWARD to. Instead of wishing you could do it again. Once it is all said and done, you can never get it back. never get back the excitement of being a bride, the passion filled nights and lazy days of newlyweds, the dreams of what will our children look like.And I never knew until my second, that there is no such thing as that first time mommy feeling twice. I love them both the exact same, we all do. But that specialness of being a first time mommy is gone. Now I am just mommy. Now days are busy with bills to pay. I wish I could relive every moment of it!
The saying "happy mommy is a happy family" is really true. You have to take care of you so you can take care of everyone else. Hope you get your hour in this week!
You're spot on as usual. I used to bitch and moan about cleaning my dinky apartment when we first got married. Ridiculous!
I can remember after having my 4th child, someone asked me what my hobbies were. I just stood there, dumbfounded. Hobbies? I had NONE!
It is so true that you need "me time". It's an important part of motherhood. You will be a better mom because of that.
Hang in there!
Been there, done that, still raising those kiddos! HA! Definitely miss "me" time but the good news is that my two babies are now going on 16 years old and so I am actually able to GET some "me" time for a change! Good luck and hang in there – don't forget – you DO need AND deserve your "me" time! Big hugs! :o)
I don't think it's selfish to have more 'me time.'
'If Mama's Not Happy, Nobody's Happy.'
So true. When I had preschoolers I hired a great college student to come by twice a week for 4-5 hours both days to do the mommy thing for me so I could take care of myself. I refused to do chores…that time was sacred. I would invite other moms to drop off their kids at my house (raise her fee and split the cost) and the kids would get a playdate while we went to the mall/walk/pedicure/lunch/whatever. It saved me! Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com
I look back at my life before I had kids and think "What did I do with all my free time?". Why didn't I exercise more? Why didn't I start sewing then? Why didn't I take that class? And on and on.
Finding the balance between mom, wife and me is something I struggle with daily as Im sure most women do!
You know, at least you're being honest – have you seen the blogs where the women say they never want to be away from their kids??? Yeah OK. Is that really healthy – NEVER being away from your kids?? I think that's some sort of weird dependence and I think it's too much responsibility for the kids to feel completely responsible for making mom happy. You have to do what makes you a better mom ~ you're awesome, girl ~ ♥
Because we only have one little one, we both still get time to ourselves. And I savor it more now than I ever thought I would, knowing there will might be a time he wants us only for funds and transportation.
My biggest fear is how to balance my husband and children.
Ah, there are those days when I wish I could go back as well. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone.
Great post!
I go back in my mind all the time and wonder why I didn't really appreciate how much time we really had together, how we should have traveled more, how clean our house was ALL THE TIME, how much extra cash we had to spend on ourselves. I would never want to go back, but I do agree that its hard to try to balance me as a mother vs me as a woman and as a wife. Me time is ESSENTIAL for my sanity, even if its only an hour or two each week, I will happily take it. Its a balance that takes a lot of time to achieve.
I couldn't have said it better myself! Things are so much clearer in hindsight, and sometimes it's hard to let go of the simpler times. I just have to forge ahead though, and be so happy that I have my hubs and each one of our little blessings!
Time is so precious these days. Each one of us must figure out how much "me" time we need in proportion to the busyness of our lives. Some people need more than others.
I consider it a refresher to mindlessly read blogs for 30 minutes each day after the kids come home from school. It gives me time to regroup for the afternoon and evening ahead.
Great post!
So true, honey…and to think it took me so long to realize that I need time to me. And I finally realized that doing so doesn't make me a bad mommy…it refreshes me and lets me remember who I am–that I'm still me.
Great post. So true. And I remember when I used to have time also… come on over and grab an award http://www.kiddiescornerdeals.com/2009/10/2-new-blog-awards.html
Great minds think alike!! LOL. Did you read my post yet? I am right there with ya!
The best advice (that a rarely take) is that of my grandmother who tells me that I should never wish my life away. These are the best times of our lives and we shouldn't take them for granted
Okay, there's something in the air. I know exactly what you mean about having less time. Come read my post about "embracing duty". We must be having the same kind of week.
Thanks for commenting on my blog. You said that if I follow you, you'll follow me, so I'm here to follow you!
I agree you posted it in words that I don't think I could have come up with! I remember those days and also the complaining I did along with them. Oh how life is a cruel joke at times, love where I am but I must say I miss some of those simple have time moments
Love this post my dear!
So true! I didn't know what busy was until I had kids. Love the idea of your Theta Time Outs … it's a good way to keep us stressed out moms accountable to each other to take care of ourselves! Moms keep all the plates spinning … and they need to be healthy, mentally and physically, to do it!!